Page 18 | To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

Claraus · 2026-10-08T13:37:21+00:00

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling. We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa. I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is. AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

Mermaidmusing · 09/10/2026 19:50

I don’t think it’s fair to make the girls share again as they have ahead had several years of sharing. Either he shares with your DS or he has the sofa, but either way, it needs to be time-limited as it’s not sustainable long term. I’d give him 3/4 months to get sorted with a house share. He is an adult, albeit a young one, and he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. He moved out quickly enough when it suited him to live with a gf.

queenceleste · 09/10/2026 20:50

“It’s not sustainable long term”
wow as if many of us didn’t come and go between life events as we got on our feet. Why are the OP’s precious DDs so much more important than her dh’s son?
It is fairytale cruelty.
dds will learn that family’s support each other when and where needed. That’s it.

BudgetBuster · 09/10/2026 21:02

Mermaidmusing · 09/10/2026 19:50

I don’t think it’s fair to make the girls share again as they have ahead had several years of sharing. Either he shares with your DS or he has the sofa, but either way, it needs to be time-limited as it’s not sustainable long term. I’d give him 3/4 months to get sorted with a house share. He is an adult, albeit a young one, and he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. He moved out quickly enough when it suited him to live with a gf.

How is it not fair for blood related sisters to continue to share but it is fair for non blood related step brothers to share? I don't think one is more fair than the other.

Also he didn't move out 'quick enough'.. he was with his girlfriend 3+ years.

Namechangedoverandover · 09/10/2026 21:34

Claraus · 08/10/2026 15:23

I think some people are reading this as me saying he can’t come home or that I don’t want him here and thats not what I’ve said at all. I don’t dislike him, he’s my family and has been since he was 10. I just don’t know how we’d actually make it work and thats why I’ve posted.

The youngest is mine and dhs together, dd11 and ds mine but dh has always been their dad figure as they don’t see their dad. dss doesn’t see his mum either so we’ve always just been a family unit really, there isn’t a yours and mine thing here.

Dd11 really struggled with sharing when she was younger and has done much better having her own space. Dss has never shared with ds15 apart from holidays and that was maybe a week at a time so I don’t think either of them would be happy with that long term.

I’m also not saying he can’t have the sofa, I just don’t think its fair if dh is talking about him moving back in permanently. There’s no privacy for him and he gets up quite late so we’d all be trying to use the living room while he’s asleep. It might be ok for a few nights but not as a permanent arrangement.

He was nearly 19 when he moved out and we did talk to him about what would happen if it didn’t work out but he didn’t really want to listen tbh, he was convinced everything was going to be fine. I just want to find a practical solution rather than say no to him.

I can't get past the OP stating "I don't dislike like him, he's my family and has been since he was 10".

Such an odd sentence. If anyone said to me "I don't dislike someone" that would mean to me that they are just about okay and I can just about tolerate them.

Then in one of their later posts, they state that if it was DS that had moved out, they wouldn't hesitate in having him back and would make it work somehow.

So, their own biological children have more rights (and love) than one of the husband's biological children.

millymollymoomoo · 09/10/2026 21:38

You are 💯 being unreasonable and if I was your dh you’d get zero say in this. I hope your dh puts his foot down here because you are totally in the wrong

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/10/2026 21:47

You must have known 2 of your kids would share as you jointly bought a 4 bed home with 3 kids between you and then decide to have another joint child

you had a 5&1 when Met dh. He had a 10yr - 2yrs later he moved in perm and you were preg/had newborn

you knew someone was going to have to share as 4 kids and 4 bedrooms so 3 after you and dh

you say you genuinely don’t have the room but you did a year ago

I feel for this 19. Dumped by mum and gf and now seems his dad

your dh needs to grow some balls and insist on his son staying. The boy who you agreed could live with you @Claraus

Londonrach1 · 09/10/2026 21:52

Reading your updates you do have room and even if you don't you make it work. He is 18 and dh ds. Yabu. You making dss not part of the family. He is. Roles reversed how you feel if your dh wouldn't let your 18 year old child home.

Badgerbadgermushroom1 · 09/10/2026 22:19

Claraus · 08/10/2026 14:48

No not really, we don’t have a dining room or anything, its just kitchen, living room and the 4 bedrooms. I don’t think its realistic for him to have a sofa bed in the living room permanently tbh, thats more how dh is talking about it like he can just sleep there and its sorted.

He’s at mils atm but he doesn’t want to stay there permanently as he says shes very controlling and they don’t get on when he’s there for too long.

He’s nearly 20, not 18 anymore. He’s working but I don’t think he could afford a place on his own, he could probably afford a room in a house share though. We have said we’d help him a bit if we could but dh seems to think he should just come home instead.

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He’s still a child really. Don’t be so bloody horrible. Of course you need to let him stay with you. Put some of the younger kids in together. Can’t believe you’re considering saying no. Awful.

beyondyuck · 09/10/2026 22:25

So he is 19 - you are not coming across well - he is and has been part of your family.How long has he been out of the house?
Am sure he will soon find want to move out anyway if your attitude comes across in your actions.
For once the united condemnation of your attitude on mumsnet should give yout he message you are wong but I do not think th message is getting through.

AmberPeaches · 09/10/2026 22:50

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/10/2026 21:47

You must have known 2 of your kids would share as you jointly bought a 4 bed home with 3 kids between you and then decide to have another joint child

you had a 5&1 when Met dh. He had a 10yr - 2yrs later he moved in perm and you were preg/had newborn

you knew someone was going to have to share as 4 kids and 4 bedrooms so 3 after you and dh

you say you genuinely don’t have the room but you did a year ago

I feel for this 19. Dumped by mum and gf and now seems his dad

your dh needs to grow some balls and insist on his son staying. The boy who you agreed could live with you @Claraus

This! How dare you punish this 19 year old heartbroken kid for your poor decision making. You’re giving stepmothers a bad name…

Whaleandsnail6 · 10/10/2026 09:57

Mermaidmusing · 09/10/2026 19:50

I don’t think it’s fair to make the girls share again as they have ahead had several years of sharing. Either he shares with your DS or he has the sofa, but either way, it needs to be time-limited as it’s not sustainable long term. I’d give him 3/4 months to get sorted with a house share. He is an adult, albeit a young one, and he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. He moved out quickly enough when it suited him to live with a gf.

So all of the kids in this household will be booted out at 19, as they are adults and need to stand on their own 2 feet? They get 4 months to sort themselves out?
Or just the one who is unfortunate enough to be the oldest and turn 19 first?

Ar the end of the day, op and her husband chose to have another baby, knowing they have a 4 bed house and 2 kids will have to share. Thats not the kids fault.

queenceleste · 10/10/2026 11:23

Whaleandsnail6 · 10/10/2026 09:57

So all of the kids in this household will be booted out at 19, as they are adults and need to stand on their own 2 feet? They get 4 months to sort themselves out?
Or just the one who is unfortunate enough to be the oldest and turn 19 first?

Ar the end of the day, op and her husband chose to have another baby, knowing they have a 4 bed house and 2 kids will have to share. Thats not the kids fault.

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What whalesndsnail6 said

Enigma54 · 10/10/2026 11:56

OP, as DSS is working, could you and DH afford to give/ lend him a deposit for a studio flat? Could he afford the rent? Claim a bit of UC to top up? Does he have any friends with whom he could flat/ house share with?

Failing that, I’m an afraid the more obvious solution is for the girls to share. They are still young and to be honest, they would be sharing if DSS hadn’t moved out? Bunk beds/ good storage could be your answer here.

I think this is only fair while DSS gets back on his feet. He’s still a young adult and finding his way in the world. Unless you are going to say that he will trash the house, eat all the food and create a huge mess ( in which case, very firm house rules will need to be implemented) then you all need to offer support to this young man, as a family.

queenceleste · 10/10/2026 12:27

OP Say you had a son from a previous relationship and you were now living in a house with DH & your younger shared kids with him - and your own son needed to come home for a time. Would he have higher or lower status than your sparkly new family? Or would you say “this is your brother, this is his home, we will make it work”.

Our children learn how to behave ethically at home first. This would be a great lesson for your younger kids and, it must be said, it might make them better people than you seem to be planning on helping them be at the moment.

BudgetBuster · 10/10/2026 12:36

queenceleste · 10/10/2026 12:27

OP Say you had a son from a previous relationship and you were now living in a house with DH & your younger shared kids with him - and your own son needed to come home for a time. Would he have higher or lower status than your sparkly new family? Or would you say “this is your brother, this is his home, we will make it work”.

Our children learn how to behave ethically at home first. This would be a great lesson for your younger kids and, it must be said, it might make them better people than you seem to be planning on helping them be at the moment.

The OP doesn't have two children from a previous relationship... and has already said that she would allow them home! So it seems she just doesn't want her stepson around.

Mermaidmusing · 10/10/2026 12:40

Whaleandsnail6 · 10/10/2026 09:57

So all of the kids in this household will be booted out at 19, as they are adults and need to stand on their own 2 feet? They get 4 months to sort themselves out?
Or just the one who is unfortunate enough to be the oldest and turn 19 first?

Ar the end of the day, op and her husband chose to have another baby, knowing they have a 4 bed house and 2 kids will have to share. Thats not the kids fault.

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He wasn’t booted out in the first place. He left to move on with his gf, thinking the grass was greener. OP’s family divvied up the rooms accordingly. Why should the girls now be forced to share again just because love’s young dream failed (predictable as it probably was!) ?

Mermaidmusing · 10/10/2026 12:42

Badgerbadgermushroom1 · 09/10/2026 22:19

He’s still a child really. Don’t be so bloody horrible. Of course you need to let him stay with you. Put some of the younger kids in together. Can’t believe you’re considering saying no. Awful.

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He’s not a child though, is he? He’s an adult and he obviously thought he was a big man when he rushed off to live with his gf. At what age do you actually think adulthood starts?

tinygingermum · 10/10/2026 12:46

Just put the girls back into the same room and let him have his old room back or put him in with your son. You say if he was your son you would make it work and have him back so I think it’s disgusting that you are claiming you are a family unit but treat him differently to your bio children

Mermaidmusing · 10/10/2026 12:47

BudgetBuster · 09/10/2026 21:02

How is it not fair for blood related sisters to continue to share but it is fair for non blood related step brothers to share? I don't think one is more fair than the other.

Also he didn't move out 'quick enough'.. he was with his girlfriend 3+ years.

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It’s not fair for any of them to have to share but the girls have ahead shared previously whereas the DS hasn’t had to. So why should the girls have to do it again?

Absolutely ridiculous for an 18 year old to move in with a gf/bf anyway, it’s always going to end in tears. DH should have put his foot down at that time and then DSS wouldn’t be in this position. He’s an adult when it suited him to move out and now he’s a child when it suits him to move back home? His flip-flopping will be unsettling for the younger children so I still think he should be given a limited time on the sofa while he sorts out a house share.

Thatcannotberight · 10/10/2026 12:47

BudgetBuster · 10/10/2026 12:36

The OP doesn't have two children from a previous relationship... and has already said that she would allow them home! So it seems she just doesn't want her stepson around.

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Yes she does. The middle two children are hers, but not her husband's. Youngest is shared and oldest is husband's child.

Whaleandsnail6 · 10/10/2026 12:56

Mermaidmusing · 10/10/2026 12:40

He wasn’t booted out in the first place. He left to move on with his gf, thinking the grass was greener. OP’s family divvied up the rooms accordingly. Why should the girls now be forced to share again just because love’s young dream failed (predictable as it probably was!) ?

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Even so, older teens/young adults should be able to try things, knowing they will be welcomed back by their parents if it goes wrong.

What if next kid in line decides to move out to go to uni, but after one term decides uni isn't for them? Sorry...you made your decision, either live with it or find elsewhere to live? Or, its ok, you are a part of this family and we will make it work? I know which I'd chose.

The boys can easily share. Or the girls can share. At the end of the day, the parents had another child, knowing not every kid could have their own room, so it was ok for the kids to share when it suited the parents when they wanted another baby

BudgetBuster · 10/10/2026 12:59

Thatcannotberight · 10/10/2026 12:47

Yes she does. The middle two children are hers, but not her husband's. Youngest is shared and oldest is husband's child.

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It was a typo, sorry. I meant she DOES have.

GoodChocolate · 10/10/2026 13:56

Mermaidmusing · 10/10/2026 12:47

It’s not fair for any of them to have to share but the girls have ahead shared previously whereas the DS hasn’t had to. So why should the girls have to do it again?

Absolutely ridiculous for an 18 year old to move in with a gf/bf anyway, it’s always going to end in tears. DH should have put his foot down at that time and then DSS wouldn’t be in this position. He’s an adult when it suited him to move out and now he’s a child when it suits him to move back home? His flip-flopping will be unsettling for the younger children so I still think he should be given a limited time on the sofa while he sorts out a house share.

Edited

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Maybe he moved out because he felt he wasnt welcome at home? (Which he clearly isnt)

Error404FucksNotFound · 10/10/2026 16:34

Namechangedoverandover · 09/10/2026 21:34

I can't get past the OP stating "I don't dislike like him, he's my family and has been since he was 10".

Such an odd sentence. If anyone said to me "I don't dislike someone" that would mean to me that they are just about okay and I can just about tolerate them.

Then in one of their later posts, they state that if it was DS that had moved out, they wouldn't hesitate in having him back and would make it work somehow.

So, their own biological children have more rights (and love) than one of the husband's biological children.

Edited

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It's a very revealing sentence.
I dont dislike him with the unspoken I nothing him, I accept he exists.

Badgerbadgermushroom1 · 10/10/2026 19:25

Mermaidmusing · 10/10/2026 12:42

He’s not a child though, is he? He’s an adult and he obviously thought he was a big man when he rushed off to live with his gf. At what age do you actually think adulthood starts?

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God help your kids