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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

472 replies

Claraus · 08/10/2026 14:37

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

OP posts:
CaramelGhost · 08/10/2026 17:21

A child should be welcome home at any time, he's only 19, poor kid. Yes it'll be cramped but you make it work. Find a way.

villadicance · 08/10/2026 17:21

Claraus · 08/10/2026 17:16

The house is ours jointly, me and dh, and we both pay into the same account for the mortgage/bills etc

When he says mil is controlling he means she wants to know where he is, what time he’s coming back, who he’s seeing etc and she has quite a lot of rules in her house. He says he feels like he’s 15 again when he’s there. I don’t know how much of that is him being nearly 20 and wanting his own space though tbh.

The rooms aren’t tiny but they aren’t big enough to properly divide either. The the boys (inc dss old room) rooms are probably about 9ft x 10ft and the girls room is a bit smaller. We could technically put another bed in with ds15 but it would be very cramped and they’d have no proper floor space. I don’t think dd11 and dd8 sharing again would be impossible, but dd11 really struggled with it before and she has been so much happier having her own room.

We don’t have an attic we could turn into a room and the garage is a single garage with no heating/plumbing etc and its full of stuff atm, so thats not really an option either.

Dss doesn’t work nights. He works normal hours but he tends to get up quite late, around 9.30/10, especially on days he’s not working, so the sofa would mean everyone having to tiptoe around him in the morning.

He had actually been with his gf since he was 16 and for about a year before he moved out he was spending loads of time at hers anyway, sleeping there most nights and they went away on holidays together etc. So it wasn’t like he suddenly disappeared, and dd11 was using his room when he wasn’t there anyway. We did talk about it all before he moved but he was nearly 19 and thought they were going to be together forever tbh.

We get it. He is very inconvenient. But he exists and deserves space in your home just as much as your children.

JustAnotherWhinger · 08/10/2026 17:21

Claraus · 08/10/2026 17:16

The house is ours jointly, me and dh, and we both pay into the same account for the mortgage/bills etc

When he says mil is controlling he means she wants to know where he is, what time he’s coming back, who he’s seeing etc and she has quite a lot of rules in her house. He says he feels like he’s 15 again when he’s there. I don’t know how much of that is him being nearly 20 and wanting his own space though tbh.

The rooms aren’t tiny but they aren’t big enough to properly divide either. The the boys (inc dss old room) rooms are probably about 9ft x 10ft and the girls room is a bit smaller. We could technically put another bed in with ds15 but it would be very cramped and they’d have no proper floor space. I don’t think dd11 and dd8 sharing again would be impossible, but dd11 really struggled with it before and she has been so much happier having her own room.

We don’t have an attic we could turn into a room and the garage is a single garage with no heating/plumbing etc and its full of stuff atm, so thats not really an option either.

Dss doesn’t work nights. He works normal hours but he tends to get up quite late, around 9.30/10, especially on days he’s not working, so the sofa would mean everyone having to tiptoe around him in the morning.

He had actually been with his gf since he was 16 and for about a year before he moved out he was spending loads of time at hers anyway, sleeping there most nights and they went away on holidays together etc. So it wasn’t like he suddenly disappeared, and dd11 was using his room when he wasn’t there anyway. We did talk about it all before he moved but he was nearly 19 and thought they were going to be together forever tbh.

You’re still making excuses…

one of the rooms was big enough for two people before so it’s big enough for two people now.

The other option is that if your room is bigger then give that to the two that share, you have the next biggest and the two with own rooms have the smaller rooms.

Bitsostuff · 08/10/2026 17:22

What would you have done if he hadn't moved out at 18? Do that.

He's 19. Coming home to his family is extremely reasonable and he should be able to expect more than use of the sofa.

Itsasecretnow · 08/10/2026 17:22

@Claraus what size are the four bedrooms? I’d imagine at least two of them are doubles, presumably your master being the largest of them? It would likely be possible to re-jig the bedrooms/configurations by converting the largest one with some kind of dividing solution - whether that be by furniture or non-permanent dividing (plasterboard?) wall that would sort out the privacy issue and whichever two that would be sharing (both ds, or two dd) would still have their own space, albeit smaller. You’d be surprised at what options there are available when you think outside the box.

Or an option to convert the loft/garage/build or buy a “tiny home” for the garden, convert a cabin/shed and make it cosy and self contained and private…

I”m afraid it would definitely send a really negative message to dss if you don’t try and work out something. I know you’ve already been asked this, but, really think, say your oldest goes off to uni (or moves away for some other reason - or this was reversed and it was your child who wanted to come home but your dss already has her bedroom)) and then the “spare” floating kid (probably dss) then takes her bedroom for their own. Then they drops out of uni/work/falls out w roommate etc about 18 months later and wants to come home, what wouldn’t you do in your power to make sure you’d find space for her so that she didn’t feel like she wasn’t part of the family anymore? Just really think about this - if it was “your” kid you’d try anything, right? And so you should even if he isn’t “yours! It was his family home for almost half his life. It wouldn’t be permanent, but it could be just for now, until whatever comes next for him. If you would do it for “yours” then you need to find a way to do it for “his”, if you really, genuinely mean what you said about them all just being “ours” and one family.

JustAnotherWhinger · 08/10/2026 17:22

And your husband should be finding your desperation to round up your DSS’s age to the next year whereas keeping your own children very much as young as possible absolutely offensive.

He’s 19. He moved out at 18. It was basically inevitable that he would bounce back.

Hankunamatata · 08/10/2026 17:23

You need to suck this up

Either girls share or boys share

You dont get to say no to dh son coming back home.

Mildorado · 08/10/2026 17:24

Hankunamatata · 08/10/2026 17:23

You need to suck this up

Either girls share or boys share

You dont get to say no to dh son coming back home.

This ⬆️. It's his home.

Whaleandsnail6 · 08/10/2026 17:24

Timsbluetrousers · 08/10/2026 16:55

You need to give him your room then and you and your DH sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge..
If your saying he can't share with his 15 year old step brother
And your saying the girls can't share
Then there is no other option
You know you would move heaven and earth to accommodate your own children in this situation..
My daughter left home at 18 .came back at 19 with a boyfriend,left home at 21 bought a house ,came back at 23 when she sold it ..each time we had to shuffle the bedrooms round for her .but no one minded, because you do for family

This.

I'm almost certain that if it was one of your biological kids, you would make others share and allow them home...this is no different

Its not step sons fault his dad and stepmum didn't have a house big enough for all their kids.

AlphaApple · 08/10/2026 17:25

I imagine he'll squash in for a few months and then find himself a flat share. There's nothing so bad that can't be put up with for the short term. He'll need to fit in with family life, so if he is on the sofa he'll have to get up with the rest of the family.

I can't believe you're making such a big deal of this. You're the only mum he's really known and he'll be in your life until you die. Are you sure you want to make this so difficult?

birdling · 08/10/2026 17:26

You give him your room and adapt the downstairs to accommodate a bed for you.

VickyEadie · 08/10/2026 17:26

EXACTLY what I was going to ask.

OP - before he moved out, what were you thinking the room situation was going to be long term? Many young people don't leave home for good until they're much older these days.

villadicance · 08/10/2026 17:27

The most obvious choices are the two girls sharing or the two boys sharing but if you really don't want that (and I do think the two boys sharing is undesirable) here are other options:

DD8 shares with you instead - or you divide your bedroom to make space for her

You take the sofa and give up your room

Your DS can go and live with his gran - he's nearly 16 anyway

Your DS takes the sofa if he is an earlier riser

None of those are very desirable either, I can see. But just not housing your teenage stepson isn't an option. Pick the least undesirable and get on with it.

Lndnmummy · 08/10/2026 17:28

You are saying 'you don't want to turn him away' but your very title is 'Am I being unreasonable to say no to dss move back in'. You also acknowledge you wouldn't turn one of your own away. You have 3 biological kids living with you. Your dh has one.....

Yes you are unreasonable, you will have to find a way to make it work!!

Zero2ten · 08/10/2026 17:31

You need to make space for him. The girls sharing again seems the most straightforward solution. Youngest DS is 8, how much time does she actually spend in her room outwith sleeping anyway? Surely not that much so 11 year old would get some space if she needs it

lemmein · 08/10/2026 17:31

I hope your DH takes this as a serious warning to get his will in order cos if he goes first you’ll screw his son over before he’s even cold!

My DD is a SM to her DSS- I’d be fuming with her if she was behaving like you.

If you don’t want to accommodate stepkids then don’t date parents!

permanently · 08/10/2026 17:33

When I was in a similar situation, I gave up my bedroom, bought a sofa bed and a wardrobe and lived in the living room. Wasn’t forever.

Marypoppinsbagg · 08/10/2026 17:35

You are being so unreasonable.
If someone did this to my child I would have to rethink the relationship. In fact I would never want to speak to you again.

Why do your children matter more than your husband's child?

You are aware of the state of the economy and the cost of housing aren't you?

ThereIsSomethingWrongWithTheLeftFilange · 08/10/2026 17:35

Claraus · 08/10/2026 15:23

I think some people are reading this as me saying he can’t come home or that I don’t want him here and thats not what I’ve said at all. I don’t dislike him, he’s my family and has been since he was 10. I just don’t know how we’d actually make it work and thats why I’ve posted.

The youngest is mine and dhs together, dd11 and ds mine but dh has always been their dad figure as they don’t see their dad. dss doesn’t see his mum either so we’ve always just been a family unit really, there isn’t a yours and mine thing here.

Dd11 really struggled with sharing when she was younger and has done much better having her own space. Dss has never shared with ds15 apart from holidays and that was maybe a week at a time so I don’t think either of them would be happy with that long term.

I’m also not saying he can’t have the sofa, I just don’t think its fair if dh is talking about him moving back in permanently. There’s no privacy for him and he gets up quite late so we’d all be trying to use the living room while he’s asleep. It might be ok for a few nights but not as a permanent arrangement.

He was nearly 19 when he moved out and we did talk to him about what would happen if it didn’t work out but he didn’t really want to listen tbh, he was convinced everything was going to be fine. I just want to find a practical solution rather than say no to him.

But your original post literally asks AIBU for saying no to him coming home?

Now you are back tracking and saying that you are not wanting to say no to him coming home and are just looking for a solution.

Therefore you should have started a thread asking 'how can I make space for my SS to come home?'

maudelovesharold · 08/10/2026 17:37

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

Yes, you are, because you genuinely do have the room. You have a 4 bedroom house. Some families have to be housed in a hotel room in order to stay together, fgs.

dreamingofgoodhair · 08/10/2026 17:38

@Clarausyou said if he was one of your children , you’d make it work.
You’ve also said your husband treats your two as his own.
Well SS is your husbands child.
You need to find a way.
Your daughters need to know they have a step brother who needs a place to live.
Unless you’re happy to set him up in a rental?

Notonthestairs · 08/10/2026 17:38

villadicance · 08/10/2026 17:21

We get it. He is very inconvenient. But he exists and deserves space in your home just as much as your children.

Show quote history

Yep.

if I was paying half of all household bills for my 2 step children but wasn’t able to house my own child I’d be out the door.

anterenea · 08/10/2026 17:39

Speak with your DSS and DH and reach an agreement - DSS can sofa stay at yours for a couple of months then he has to go his mums for the same length of time. She has the space, she is his mum and he can learn to live with a few rules 😅 Hopefully after 4 months or so he will come to realise he might be better off with his own space, be it renting or housesharing.

Bellyblueboy · 08/10/2026 17:40

Where is your husband on this. If I married someone who refused to allow my 19 year old to come back home I would be seriously rethinking the relationship.

I agree your husband also need to consider his will to ensure all his children are protected and provided for.

I absolutely understand that this young man isn’t your son - however you are ignoring the fact that he is your husbands son and he belongs in the family home just as much as the children you brought into the marriage and the child you had together.

blended families rarely work out as people envisage - and this is a prime example

sittingonabeach · 08/10/2026 17:44

Could you temporarily move into the next largest room and let 2 DC share the master bedroom and possibly split it in two. Even if this is temporary. A DC shouldn't have to move to grannies rather than live in his own home.

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