Page 17 | To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

Wadsworthy · 08/10/2026 21:01

YABU

Basically, you’re showing him that you don’t consider him to be part of your family. He’s only 18. You say you see him as your own, but you’re showing him something different.

Bitsostuff · 08/10/2026 21:03

Timeforachange26 · 08/10/2026 17:47

Why so people spout that shit? I've no room for my own DDs to move in. So they couldn't.

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But the OP does have room

Polipocket60 · 08/10/2026 21:08

@Bitsostuff agree 4 bedroom house. He can share with her DS. OP simply just doesn't want her DSS. Not sure why she even posted!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/10/2026 21:39

Polipocket60 · 08/10/2026 21:08

@Bitsostuff agree 4 bedroom house. He can share with her DS. OP simply just doesn't want her DSS. Not sure why she even posted!

I know! So many options have been given.

Onlythisnamewasavailable · 08/10/2026 21:46

YABVU

I bet you would find space if it was one of your own children. He is still very young. Most young people don't leave home at that age, he has at least tried.

You all lived in that house before so you have clearly made it work in the past. It sounds like you are making excuses to be honest.

There are larger families living in smaller homes

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/10/2026 21:50

I don’t understand how you can have 4 bedrooms and only a kitchen and living room down Stairs

surely would mean the kitchen and living room are massive @Claraus

unless one of the bedrooms was a
dining room and really a 3 bed

but to have 4 beds upstairs means must be quite big so why is the downstairs so tiny

if you post a floor plan someone may be able to give ideas

but you would make it work if your blood child so it would be possible whether as I said before

sharing /splitting or building a pod/garden room

Brokentoes85 · 08/10/2026 21:57

Timeforachange26 · 08/10/2026 19:54

But I've heard it sooo many times on here. Not just this post

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Then comment it on those posts

Aleopardneverchangesitssocks · 08/10/2026 21:57

Claraus · 08/10/2026 15:23

I think some people are reading this as me saying he can’t come home or that I don’t want him here and thats not what I’ve said at all. I don’t dislike him, he’s my family and has been since he was 10. I just don’t know how we’d actually make it work and thats why I’ve posted.

The youngest is mine and dhs together, dd11 and ds mine but dh has always been their dad figure as they don’t see their dad. dss doesn’t see his mum either so we’ve always just been a family unit really, there isn’t a yours and mine thing here.

Dd11 really struggled with sharing when she was younger and has done much better having her own space. Dss has never shared with ds15 apart from holidays and that was maybe a week at a time so I don’t think either of them would be happy with that long term.

I’m also not saying he can’t have the sofa, I just don’t think its fair if dh is talking about him moving back in permanently. There’s no privacy for him and he gets up quite late so we’d all be trying to use the living room while he’s asleep. It might be ok for a few nights but not as a permanent arrangement.

He was nearly 19 when he moved out and we did talk to him about what would happen if it didn’t work out but he didn’t really want to listen tbh, he was convinced everything was going to be fine. I just want to find a practical solution rather than say no to him.

If DSS was nearly 19 when he moved out a d nearly 20 now, how has DD had her own room for 2 years?

With every post it seems like you're making excuses. If 15 year old DS and 19 year old DSS have been such a tight family unit as you say surely they can share for a while.

Your DH must be horrified by your attitude.

5128gap · 08/10/2026 22:10

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/10/2026 21:50

I don’t understand how you can have 4 bedrooms and only a kitchen and living room down Stairs

surely would mean the kitchen and living room are massive @Claraus

unless one of the bedrooms was a
dining room and really a 3 bed

but to have 4 beds upstairs means must be quite big so why is the downstairs so tiny

if you post a floor plan someone may be able to give ideas

but you would make it work if your blood child so it would be possible whether as I said before

sharing /splitting or building a pod/garden room

Integral garage is generally the reason for top heavy living space.

Theresawaytobehonestandkind · 08/10/2026 22:11

Wow. You’d have your own children back but “struggling” with this. It doesn’t sound like you are struggling you just want a bunch of people on the internet to not tell you are as bad as you actually are and make you feel it is ok. Men and husbands always get a hard time on here but you are making it clear it’s one rule for you and yours and another for your husband.

DungeonsnDragons · 08/10/2026 23:45

Claraus · 08/10/2026 17:16

The house is ours jointly, me and dh, and we both pay into the same account for the mortgage/bills etc

When he says mil is controlling he means she wants to know where he is, what time he’s coming back, who he’s seeing etc and she has quite a lot of rules in her house. He says he feels like he’s 15 again when he’s there. I don’t know how much of that is him being nearly 20 and wanting his own space though tbh.

The rooms aren’t tiny but they aren’t big enough to properly divide either. The the boys (inc dss old room) rooms are probably about 9ft x 10ft and the girls room is a bit smaller. We could technically put another bed in with ds15 but it would be very cramped and they’d have no proper floor space. I don’t think dd11 and dd8 sharing again would be impossible, but dd11 really struggled with it before and she has been so much happier having her own room.

We don’t have an attic we could turn into a room and the garage is a single garage with no heating/plumbing etc and its full of stuff atm, so thats not really an option either.

Dss doesn’t work nights. He works normal hours but he tends to get up quite late, around 9.30/10, especially on days he’s not working, so the sofa would mean everyone having to tiptoe around him in the morning.

He had actually been with his gf since he was 16 and for about a year before he moved out he was spending loads of time at hers anyway, sleeping there most nights and they went away on holidays together etc. So it wasn’t like he suddenly disappeared, and dd11 was using his room when he wasn’t there anyway. We did talk about it all before he moved but he was nearly 19 and thought they were going to be together forever tbh.

If DH is paying half the mortgage, he should definitely be able to house his two kids in that.

rwalker · 09/10/2026 05:45

What would you do if it was the other way round and DH wouldn’t let one of your kids come home

MyMilchick · 09/10/2026 11:01

Timeforachange26 · 08/10/2026 17:47

Why so people spout that shit? I've no room for my own DDs to move in. So they couldn't.

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The OP literally said if it was her own DC she would make room so not too much shit spouting after all

Wadsworthy · 09/10/2026 12:34

I bet you would find space if it was one of your own children.

Yup, @Claraus says that upthread. How to make her DSS feel unwelcome in spades!

GoodChocolate · 09/10/2026 13:30

You have got room , you just dont eant him there because he isnt your own.where do you get off telling a 19 year old kid he cant live in his dad's home? your little princesses having to share is not worse than your dh's teen being homeless.Most 19 year olds are living at home , even when they are at uni they are home nearly 50% of tge time.

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 09/10/2026 13:45

Well he can't sleep on the sofa for long. What's he meant to do with his clothes and possessions? I know you said no to him sharing with DS but it seems to be the only solution, if your girls can't share again.
It also depends on what DSS is planning? Does he want to move out again ASAP? If it's short term the sofa is okay, otherwise you have to decide if the girls share or the boys share.
There's no need to tip toe round him if he's sleeping on the sofa. He's old enough to understand it's a shared family space. I bet he won't sleep in if he's using the sofa anyway.
If he's staying for around a month, sofa is okay, otherwise put the boys in together (there's not that much of an age gap).
You can't just tell him he can't come home at 19.

4timesthefun · 09/10/2026 14:26

Claraus · 08/10/2026 17:16

The house is ours jointly, me and dh, and we both pay into the same account for the mortgage/bills etc

When he says mil is controlling he means she wants to know where he is, what time he’s coming back, who he’s seeing etc and she has quite a lot of rules in her house. He says he feels like he’s 15 again when he’s there. I don’t know how much of that is him being nearly 20 and wanting his own space though tbh.

The rooms aren’t tiny but they aren’t big enough to properly divide either. The the boys (inc dss old room) rooms are probably about 9ft x 10ft and the girls room is a bit smaller. We could technically put another bed in with ds15 but it would be very cramped and they’d have no proper floor space. I don’t think dd11 and dd8 sharing again would be impossible, but dd11 really struggled with it before and she has been so much happier having her own room.

We don’t have an attic we could turn into a room and the garage is a single garage with no heating/plumbing etc and its full of stuff atm, so thats not really an option either.

Dss doesn’t work nights. He works normal hours but he tends to get up quite late, around 9.30/10, especially on days he’s not working, so the sofa would mean everyone having to tiptoe around him in the morning.

He had actually been with his gf since he was 16 and for about a year before he moved out he was spending loads of time at hers anyway, sleeping there most nights and they went away on holidays together etc. So it wasn’t like he suddenly disappeared, and dd11 was using his room when he wasn’t there anyway. We did talk about it all before he moved but he was nearly 19 and thought they were going to be together forever tbh.

I totally get the practical issues and I would prefer a different solution too. No judgement from me. But it does mean that you and your DH will need to provide him some financial support so you get your way. If you don’t want him there, just help him out with that.

Poppinpoppinpopcorn · 09/10/2026 14:36

My almost 19 year old son lives at home, and will do for several more years. If it was one of your kids they wouid be welcome back. He is your step child, I am a child, my own step parent would never treat me the way you are treating your stepson, he treats me as his own. Have a word with yourself.

queenceleste · 09/10/2026 14:37

I think in this economy - to expect young people to be financially independent is incredible.

When I was his age there were loads of jobs, rent was low, prices were manageable, transport, everything worked to help us leave home. It’s just nothing like that now.

He has to be treated just as any of his siblings would be.

queenceleste · 09/10/2026 14:39

BTW I do have friends with independent kids but they have all had significant grand parental or parental chunks of deposit etc and money for gap years and masters degrees etc etc and great connections in the professions. Money helps the young leave home.

VoiceOfCommonSense · 09/10/2026 14:41

Claraus · 08/10/2026 14:37

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

FFS you sound like a wicked stepmother. Put the girls in with each other and tell them to suck it up so he can have a room for himself..

Gloriia · 09/10/2026 15:03

VoiceOfCommonSense · 09/10/2026 14:41

FFS you sound like a wicked stepmother. Put the girls in with each other and tell them to suck it up so he can have a room for himself..

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I have to agree. He's been gone such a short time surely it won't be disruptive to have everyone revert to how it was. Not like he's been left 10yrs or anything.

It gets so depressing reading about 'blended families' on here. It is always so very obvious where priorities lie and if it's obvious to us then it's very obvious to the poor kids living it.

queenceleste · 09/10/2026 18:08

Gloriia · 09/10/2026 15:03

I have to agree. He's been gone such a short time surely it won't be disruptive to have everyone revert to how it was. Not like he's been left 10yrs or anything.

It gets so depressing reading about 'blended families' on here. It is always so very obvious where priorities lie and if it's obvious to us then it's very obvious to the poor kids living it.

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It is so depressing to read these strident women prioritizing their own children and making the children of the earlier marriage (a marriage they may even have helped to break down) becoming 3rd class citizens. Despite the fact that these children are often the most damaged in these situations. Friendly fire I guess? 🤷‍♀️

It is an extraordinary level of selfishness IMO and I have seen it in my own life so I know how much step mothers can reflect the ones in fairy tales.

As the child of divorce your life can be profoundly impacted by this kind of deep injustice and it makes no sense to me. If you take on a man with kids you take them on too or don’t take him on.

Cokeandfudge · 09/10/2026 18:25

The OP has been AWOL for over 24 hours now. Hopefully she has been to IKEA and is now feverishly putting together bookcases as a room divider to make room for her DSS to come home.

queenceleste · 09/10/2026 19:17

Another question for the dads in this situation…. How about making sure you limit the number of children you have to the size of house you can afford and to the amount of time you have to
Being a dad to ALL your children. What kind of idiot gives up on their kid because their second wife tells them to.
What about your third wife? What if she says the second wife’s kids suck and don’t need any space in the house of your third marriage?