To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

[Claraus]

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

Because she's actually said she would jf ut was her son.

If you wouldn't let a teenager move back in then don't have kids. Honestly this says more about you than the person you're accusing of spouting shit.

I also don’t think the two girls will be happy to share again.

So what? I thought it was "rules in my home or make your own way"??

He takes the couch. It gives him breathing space and time to plan. What age did you expect him gone by? Young people boomerang these days, it sounds like you expected to slam the door on him, as soon as he tried a bit of independence. You could make the garage work. He'd probably rather be in a tent, than in his Nan's. Or even a sleeping bag in your DS's room. But he has got his Nan's for an occasional stay.

No wonder he moved out. You couldn’t even wait for your stepson to move out before giving his room to your DD.
I hope your husband is fighting his son’s corner instead of leaving it to you to make the decision because this could be the breaking of their relationship. What he does now that his son needs him really matters.
You and your husband both pay the mortgage but you get two rooms for your children and none for his child.

OP, have you seen the configuration where a bunk bed is used as a room divider with plywood 'walls' on the opposite sides top and bottom? With a curtain 'door' at the the bottom of the beds to the wall to provide privacy on each side? Would this be a possible option for the 2 girls so they are sharing but still have their own spaces?

"Marypoppinsbagg · Today 17:35
You are being so unreasonable.
If someone did this to my child I would have to rethink the relationship. In fact I would never want to speak to you again.
Why do your children matter more than your husband's child?
You are aware of the state of the economy and the cost of housing aren't you?"

This with bells on. @Claraus - the huge majority of posters on this thread have expressed how wrong and unreasonable you are being. It's rather chilling that you are continuing to defend and justify yourself. You've already admitted you would make it work for your own DCs but you chose to settle down with a man who also has his own DC and you acquired obligations to that DC. What's wrong with you? And where is your H in all of this? If he allows you to exclude his son, then between you, you will both have behaved appallingly and should both be ashamed of yourselves.

Please say it isn’t common for parents to treat their kids with such contempt. He’s OPs husband’s teenage son, not some lazy middle-aged bum.

With each update you sound even worse, just doubling down on the shit excuses.

Quite. How horrible.

I think some people are reading this as me saying he can’t come home or that I don’t want him here and thats not what I’ve said at all.
But that isn't exactly what you are saying. He's 19, been gone a year, his long term relationship hasn't worked out and instead of welcoming him back you are saying:

• He can't share with my son
• My daughter uses his room now and she likes it (despite sharing for the 7/8 years prior)
• He can't go in the lounge because he doesn't get up til 9.30
• If he was my biological child I'd probably find a way

There's ample room and ample opportunity to find somewhere for him live. Tbh I'd be shocked of your husband took your side here. I'd expect my husband to leave me if I suggested in a few years that his older son isn't welcome in our home.

Why cant DSS share a room with DS that's 15? Do they get on?

The single garage can be cleared out. Refitted as a room.
The largest room (yours and DH?) can be split so two can share- if a dividing wall either the girls or the boys if no dividing wall possible, just the boys (because of DD ADHD)

You can fit a double / king bed in a 9 X10 room for you and DH.

I think you should do the garage conversion. You'll likely need an extra room as your kids get older and the flexibility of more space is ideal.

Other option would be one of those 'studios' in the garden... Not supposed to sleep in them, but might offer DSS some space.

This is exactly why I hate bullshit 'blended' families. It wouldn't even be a question if this was one of your children. He has EXACTLY the same rights to live with his parent as they do. I hope your husband insists on his child being allowed to come home.

Absolutely agree! I have one DSS, and we share two young kids. Our two shared kids will share a bedroom for a good few years but they are not the same gender so it isn't practical long term. We are already saving monthly so that in 3-4 years we can do an attic conversion.

No idea why the OP decided to have a shared child if they didn't have enough room to house all of their children!

But I've heard it sooo many times on here. Not just this post

Legally he has no rights at all to live with parents Same as her kids won't once they are 18

Ok if you say so. I'm not sure where I said I wouldn't let a teenager move back in though

In the case of the OP he could have the sofa bed

I don't feel you should have given his room away when he moved out just a year ago. It was obvious there was a high probability he would want and need to use it again. That's mean and so unwelcoming.

Then the OP (and her husband!) will have to make it work with DSS staying at home

Is there anyway to split one of the bedrooms? Or the living room? Or create a garden room that is heated? It seems everyone needs their own space in the house but do you have a large bedroom out of all of them that could be split with even a heavy curtain or divider/screen? Or even partition part of the living room and put a single bed in there or single sofa bed?
if the other kids all live and get on with him then maybe sit down as a whole family and discuss and see what they come up with? You might find that they have an idea or are happy to go back to sharing. Maybe the master bedroom gets split for the two girls and get them a screen, you can buy specific room dividers for this purpose

Legalt none of the kids, not even the 8 year old, has rights to live with their parents. It’s up to the parents if they want to look after their own kids or if they should be in the care of other people. OP wants to do the latter with her DHs oldest child, but not her own obviously.

You're not coming out of this well tbh OP. He's only 19. You are acting like your own children and joint children have a right to be in the family home, but he does not. You can try and justify this until you are blue in the face, but if this was one of your biological children, you'd have them back in a heartbeat.

You do have room, would you refuse your own child if they needed to move back home at 20?

OP’s DD started using her step son’s room even before he moved out…

Except op has said if it was her own kids, she’d find the room…