To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

[Claraus]

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

This is his home. They need to give him space.

I think the two of you need to start by having a conversation with him about what moving back in would mean. He is going to be living with a family. That means compromising on his lifestyle. He is chafing with his current rules, but the reality at your house can’t be that much different.

He isn’t going to have quite the same freedom he had living independently. Living as part of a family means letting people know when you will be home so they don’t worry. It means being quiet during reasonable hours. It means cleaning up after yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. He might be moving back as an adult, but it is still going to chafe.

His mum is abroad. It's his gran (OP's MIL) he has been staying at because the OP's children are more important

She’s not his mum. She’s his Granny. His mum moved abroad when he was a kid.

This is the other option- the parents take the living room. With a sofa bed, not just on the sofa.

You’re presumably don’t get up so late.

Or if DSS has it, you obviously don’t start trying to go in there whilst he’s asleep!

Why so people spout that shit? I've no room for my own DDs to move in. So they couldn't.

Jesus your update shows you have no compunction about this, even when confronted with the fact that you'd treat your own kids differently in this situation.
I'd thought you'd left thread out of shame, but no, back again with excuses.
What a horrible human you are.

9.30/10 isn’t even late! I thought you meant he got up at lunchtime.

Honestly, this can easily work.

A living room isn’t essential anyway - it’s nice to have a family space but we do without ours if anyone comes to stay and it’s fine.

I agree with your DH, you find a way to accommodate him. I boomeranged back and forth to my parents house a lot in my early 20’s between house shares, job losses etc. I only really moved out for good and never went back at 27. It’s his dad, his home he grew up in - he should be able to come back.

The fact is you just don't want him back. You like it how it is now. Your children.
Your home hasn't shrunk since he lived there. There's the exact same amount of space. You just don't want to reset the space to accommodate him like you would if he was your own child.

I think you should tell your husband the truth of how you feel.

I genuinely don't see how tell him no is even on the table given your children are taking up three rooms in the jointly owned home and his father wants to say yes.
What would you be doing if, like most lads his age, he'd never moved out?
Do that.

Of course you have the room. We have four children in a two bedroom flat (long story) and have had to divide off part of the living room for myself and DH. Claiming you don't have space for four kids in a four bedroom house is peak mumsnet. Unless you're going to drip feed that he's a drug addict who is abusive to you, YABVU. God knows my DSD drives me mental at times. All my kids do. I still couldn't turn her away - I'm the only mother figure she has known for the vast majority of her childhood. Try and put yourself in his shoes. It's all gone wrong with the girlfriend, he'll be heartbroken and now he can't even move back in with you all? Come on, OP.

In this case because the OP literally said so…

You don't seem to have given any thought to the effect on your marriage of saying no to your SS. It seems to me that second marriages break down far earlier and faster than first marriages if only because people have survived the first marriage breakdown and realise that the world doesn't stop spinning simply because the marriage has failed and, of course, life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage. If I were your husband, I would look at you attempting to deny my son a roof over his head while simultaneously expecting me to financially support your two children, and decide that this marriage was no longer tenable. You can divorce, spilt the marital assets and each house your respective children, with 50:50 care for your youngest child. That would solve the "over crowding" you're so keen to avoid.

I think you have to offer to let him stay on the sofa, at least temporarily.

Your history there suggests a different approach from switching rooms around and installing room dividers.
Although OP’s house does have the space to enfold DSS, that space has been allocated in the past year since his leaving in a way that works well.
Returning, he’ll need everyone to up sticks and all that to slot in handily again. (Which by the way IS doable if these parents cop themselves on a bit and involve themselves)

Now, if this might well continue on and off throughout his twenties (and it’s certainly likely), the suggestion earlier of a small shed-like dwelling in the garden might be a wise investment.
(Assuming planning laws permit: I think they do for family but I may have dreamed that. Of course, who is to say it’s anything other than a traditional Summer house?)
DSS (working, is he not?) could pay a very nominal rent for now, eating etc etc with the family. It’d serve as literally just his bedroom really.
But should this turn more permanent, and should he desire more independence of the main house, rent could rise to reflect this change from the makeshift start.
There are so many dinky kitchen appliances now, one can cook food in a little thing the size of a loaf of bread, for instance.

He might move in with a new girlfriend, or spend a year working abroad etc etc so the bijou shed would be for family use. Or in laws visiting etc etc.
Then he might need a room again in a couple of years…..by this time DS might well have colonised it so DSS takes the former’s bedroom . And so on.

Just thinking that the family might view it as money well spent in the long run, as long as there’s no suggestion that DSS is any kind of nuisance, or is causing upheaval.
This should be ‘sold’ as something of a privilege in fact, he being the eldest among these teenagers. (Would that be swallowed?)

Let him stay on the sofa and carry on as is. Make it clear that he also needs to remember it’s a common area. A week of this and with all the kids up and about and he will go back to your mil.

If he was nearly 19 when he moved out and is now nearly 20 your daughter hasn’t had her own room 2 years. I can’t believe how swiftly you moved into the space he vacated at a young age to be honest. And you say if it was your own child you would have them back but then say you don’t treat him differently? You are so in the wrong here, and that is what the consensus is telling you so I hope you take that on board.

Also I struggle to picture a 4 bed house with just a kitchen and living room downstairs? And at least 2 bedrooms big enough for 2 people. Or is the living room very large and could be refigured to accommodate a sofa bed?!

Because he was literally living there a year ago?

and even better he'll know that he doesn't have a home with his dad so won't bother him again - win/win. This will also make it clear to the OP's children that check out-time is 18 and after that you are a barely tolerated visitor on a sofa - so win win win.

If my partner refused my son our home so his children got a room each then I'd be seriously considering:

1. Whether he was a decent man
2. How I'd ended up in a situation where he got to call the shots and it was up to him to say yay or nay over our jointly owned home. I'd be seriously wondering how I'd lost so much autonomy over my own life that I couldn't make such a basic decision for my 19 year old because my husband's children had to come first.

And he’s not out on the street. He has a room at his GM house. He just doesn’t like the rules. I actually wouldn’t want another adult who thinks there are no rules to live at home. Even if it were my kids, rules in my home or make your own way.
I also don’t think the two girls will be happy to share again.