To think that this is a ridiculous arrangement?

[Bfgirl101]

I have a friend and I’m really struggling not to say something.

She is married with a 2.5 year old child. She’s also pregnant with her second.

Her dh works full time but she doesn’t work at the moment, which is fair enough, she has a small child.

But, her toddler has been in nursery 2.5 days a week since he was 1. It’s costing them an absolute fortune and she fully intends to put baby number 2 into nursery too.

She is constantly telling me how broke they are and worrying about money but she sees the nursery as essential because apparently her ds loves it there and it’s all for his development.

Aibu to think that this is a crazy arrangement and find it hard not to say something?

There was a thread a couple of weeks ago doing just that. It wasn’t why the OP had posted - she let it slip in an update and it resulted in such a pile on she asked MN to remove it.

Who pays to put their baby/toddler into nursery when they are a sahp.

I voted YABU because of this comment. It makes it sound more like you’re judging her for putting her child into nursery when she’s a SAHM full stop. Not because she’s struggling to afford it.

She can't get funding. That's why they are in dept.

If anyone posted that they were a sahp paying their dc in nursery. Their husband was doing the nursery pick ups and drop offs and doing most of the housework and cooking and they were as a family getting into a mess because of it. They’d be absolutely told yabu and to either get a job or look after their dc.

No I’m not looking for my friend to be ripped apart, but people can be honest and acknowledge that a situation is ridiculous.

I wouldnt go into debt to pay for it but certainly I pay for everything that may help my childrens development/ skill set before I pay for my social life. I was a SAHP and I put both mine in nursery part time also, and I am very glad I did. There was a large gap both academically and socially between children that had been to nursery and those that hadnt when they started school. I now still pay a fortune for all my childrens out of school classes and have little left to socialise but I wouldnt have it any other way.

YABU - it's none of your business really. If her child is happy & enjoys it it is good for development - you already said that

I don’t know any other job which is 0 pay but 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Nursery can be a life line for us. Especially as you can’t guarantee sleep at night!

generally nursery recommend more than one session a week or the kids don’t settle in well. It does help development. So you get what you pay for and it depends what you want to prioritise. I still moan at how expensive it is! But also think it’s worth every penny!

Yes its mad but its also true that kids get a lot out of nursery.
You can just phrase it differently.... I know you're worried about money but children really do all come out pretty much the same whether they go or not, why don't you save your money and pop them in nursery when theyre a bit older or when they become entitled to help or when you start work.....

Why? No, of course not. Going by info given by OP. I do however know other parents who had kids in nursery on days off or even if they weren't working on some days. It’s not that unusual.

Some people love moaning about how 'broke' they are when they are really no such thing. Anyone with half a brain who actually needed to economise would know that they'd have to either pull the child out of nursery or get a PT job.

She's not paying for the childcare. Tax payers are. She doesn't need to work.

She (well her husband) will be paying.
As she is a SAHM she won't be entitled to any funding.
That's why they are in debt. Because they have to PAY for nursery.
If she was working too (minimum of 30 hours) then they would get funding.
But she is a SAHM. That's the whole point.

YABU. She’s not being unreasonable at all- SAHP need breaks too.

But it won't cost her more for the same when her baby goes to nursery as her currently 2.5 y/o will be well over the age of 3. So I don't understand your point.

And she's saying it's for her child's development and so he can be well socialised. She's not lying. Maybe she thinks £600 pm is better than the kid staying at home with just her all day every day.

Do you have a toddler? Are you a SAHP? Does your child have the benefit of learning from others and socialisation?

@ProudCat but to pay the £600 they are in debt and can't pay other bills.
I don't know about you but I think mortgage/rent, gas, electric, council tax and food should be priority over a nursery place.

like eg 5 day breaks???? every week???

I assume her husband doesn't work 7 days a week and apparently she has other relatives close by.

I'm not convinced her DS will have had much of an opinion aged 1, he possibly does enjoy my it more at 2.5. It isn't nursery specifically that is good for development, it's interaction with care givers, seeing the world, reading, singing, attending playgroups etc. That £600 she's spending would pay for some excellent groups and have money left over.

When you have a 3yo, I absolutely agree that the 15 hours she'd get really would be beneficial for development at that stage.

Realistically she's pregnant and about to have a newborn at home so that time one to one will probably be welcome. Not ideal if they can't afford it though.

Also, I would be concerned about her wellbeing if she's handing him over for 2.5 days and not taking up work in that time. Having the odd child free day is nice but 2.5 days a week when you haven't got a lot of spare money is unusual. Does she struggle with being a SAHP or struggle socially?

@ProudCat I have never met a SAHM who actually stays at home all day 😂
If she wants him to socialise and play then she can take him to one of the cheap/free groups available out there.

YABU because what has it got to do with you??

Would she not get funding with her partner working?

Either way, it's got really nothing to do with you so the idea that you're struggling not to say anything is what makes you unreasonable.

Everyone has priorities and that's ok if her priority is nursery I've essentials but she needs to accept she can't have it all. I'm someone who can't be bothered to people moaning and would tell her she's made her choices and she can't have it all. And if it's putting her in debt then maybe she should accept she can't afford it but that's her problem ultimately.

Yes it's none of your business but she made it your business. But then I'm someone who doesn't want to know other people's money issues. I had someone at work who was constantly moaning and insisted she couldn't afford a Christmas tree and was so sad because of it (hello... Freecycle??!!) but i got fed up of listening to someone who had the same money coming in as me, who had only one child ( I have 4) and was constantly judging me for having a posh lunch box or fancy food for lunch cos she decided I couldn't afford it. 🤦‍♀️

@Bigreddog25 both parents have to work to get funding.
(unless a single parent....which she isn't)

I would also guess that the nursery might not accommodate single days. From what I hear, less and less do with pressure on places.

This may be the driver of the 2.5.

"Who pays to put their baby/toddler into nursery when they are a sahp."

The answer to your question is in your opening post: "her ds loves it there and it’s all for his development"

No that isn't true