To think that this is a ridiculous arrangement?

[Bfgirl101]

I have a friend and I’m really struggling not to say something.

She is married with a 2.5 year old child. She’s also pregnant with her second.

Her dh works full time but she doesn’t work at the moment, which is fair enough, she has a small child.

But, her toddler has been in nursery 2.5 days a week since he was 1. It’s costing them an absolute fortune and she fully intends to put baby number 2 into nursery too.

She is constantly telling me how broke they are and worrying about money but she sees the nursery as essential because apparently her ds loves it there and it’s all for his development.

Aibu to think that this is a crazy arrangement and find it hard not to say something?

If she could afford it I wouldn’t have given it a thought.

But she is telling me how they've only got her dhs income, their outgoings are greater than their income, they are in a lot of debt and are unable to pay certain bills.

It isn’t like a little luxury like the choice between buying a coffee and getting your nails done. They are in a mess.

she sees the nursery as essential because apparently her ds loves it there and it’s all for his development.

You said in your op.

If she was working then she would be entitled to funding so would be paying none or considerably less.

For those saying she might need to put her children in nursery for her mental health - personally I think being in dept can't be much help for mental health issues.
It is her choice but I can understand why the OP is fed up of hearing about their money troubles when there a simple solution.

I do think a lot of people are being deliberately obtuse.

When she complains about money some of us have asked if she thinks she will go back to work, but she says she wouldn’t be able to find anything that fits around her ds, plus she’s pregnant again now.

Friends have sad to her that the nursery is costing a fortune and could she drop it knots her ds gets funded hours but she says he needs it.

Well what else can you say to that?

She sounds annoying and pretty stupid. If you've got no money then don't pay for stuff you don't need.

Especially with a baby on the way.

All studies show child care doesn't help the child until 3-3.5years old so the development bit is rubbish. They are better being off with primary carer if that person's healthy and well.

Maybe she's just pregnant and knackered- mine went ina few mornings once I was pregnant with the next despite me being at home but at least I was honest. It was for me not them!

What development?

mainly because it’s her choice and can get funding age 2 if one parent works. It’s actually none of your concern. My daughter doesn’t work but sends my granddaughter 2 afternoons because she enjoys socialising with other children and it helps her development

I'd say what I normally do when friends make different choices: empathise, acknowledge and let the conversation move on.

"That sounds tough, but I'm sure you're making the choice that feels right for you"

Judging a friend the way you are is nasty.

With respect, you probably had more energy. Being a mum in your 30s is a little bit harder than in your 20s. And she’s pregnant again too and pregnancy is hard. I had 3 in my 30s. SAHM. No, I wouldn’t have sent mine to nursery before age 2, especially with family around to help. I think from age 2 it is beneficial though and mine went in from age 2.

If you really want to say something, maybe ask if her parents can help look after her DS instead of sending him to nursery, so she can save the £600 pm or whatever it is. Another 6 months and she’ll have funding I think? 15 hours over 3 years old even if she is a SAHM?

What flexible working?

but they are adults and that's not your business either. If the moaning gets to you (it would get to me) then change the subject or see her less often.

Other than suggesting she considers ways to save money or increase her household income I don't think there is anything you can do. If she's a close friend you could tell her that you are weary of her complaining about being hard up when she isn't prepared to do what seems obvious to you - working, at least part-time, and reducing her DC's nursery hours.

good one!

They're insane to spend that much unnecessary money on nursery when they're broke!

Or are they "broke" (i.e. living within their means and their budget so not actually living month to month?)?

People are probably voting that you're being unreasonable because as much as it seems pointless to put kids in nursery as babies when they don't work is pretty ridiculous. But then it's not you paying for it, how they spend their money isn't anyone else's business. They won't get funding for it so it's their choice to pay it. I remember my son's cousin's mum sending her kid off to nursery five days a week from 8am til 5.30pm from when he was around a year old. She was a single parent not working and had a social worker who got her funding for 15hours a week, she paid the rest herself from her own PIP money. Pointless to everyone else but it was her money she was spending

I think I just need to distance myself from her a bit.

It goes round in circles with her moaning and complaining but she isn’t willing to change anything.

I don’t care if someone sends their kid to nursery, there are all sorts of reasons why.

But the constant complaining rubs people up the wrong way. We have friends who went back to work, a couple were sahp for a bit, some were single parents.

I do wonder if times have changed because when mine were small it was unheard of to send a 1 year old to nursery unless you were going back to work, unless you were on mat leave so already had the place. It certainly wasn’t something anyone would have gone into debt for.

According to her their outgoings exceed their income, they’ve burnt through any savings they have and are now in debt and unable to pay bills.

Oh, well in that case they're just really bad with finances.

Who could have possibly seen that spending money you don't have on things you don't need will spiral you and your DH into debt? It's a mystery!

The thread is about her feelings about her friend pleading poverty to her when the friend isn't working and spending her husband's salary on child care.

So it is CLEARLY her business.

Do you know the friend?

They can play with others outwith nursery.

Yanbu as your friend is getting themselves into serious debt. Also as shes not working she wont get mat leave or anything and will struggle even more, what happens when they cant keep up with mortgage payments etc? Sounds like a dangerous situation

While socialising with children their own age, and being away from the parents are both important things for a toddler to get used to, these do not need to be done in a nursery or certainly not for as many hours as she is doing.

Socialising can be done at play groups for a few pounds per session, and time away from mum/dad could be with grandparents, or do one day at nursery. I personally don't think being away from mum is necessary to do before about 2 and for most it is dictated for them. I was lucky with my eldest he done one morning a week at 2 then two mornings at 3, then 5 mornings when he got to 3.5. then 5 full days from 4 years 3 months. With my youngest out situation changed and she had to start on 5 mornings a week from 20 months.

I get she needs me time, don't we all but if she is that broke maybe get a part time job when number 2 is going to nursery and receive the funded hours