AIBU- Stuffed Toy in the office.

[2021x]

I work in a newly formed team in an office. We have our team admin who I am going to guess is at least 26-28 y.o. woman.

We did one of those "professional" corporate team-building tests, and she seemed really confronted by some of the feedback she got. Since then, she has started acting more childlike and dependent and constantly seeking feedback on things she clearly can handle herself.

Today, however, she started walking around the office with a stuffed toy. She brought the toy-a crocheted horse- into the meetings and had it on her lap, with the head poking onto the table while she was typing, and was hugging it to her body when walking back from meeting rooms like a child and talking to other team members.

She is getting married this year and has said she just wants to elope, as the cost and managing all the preparations are stressful, and she is dreading it because she will be the centre of attention. She is clearly very sensitive and going through a very tough time (none of her family lives here), but AIBU that this is a step too far, or am I just getting a bit too old/grumpy and should mind my own business as she isn't harming anyone?

But how would we know how much negative feedback she was receiving compared with anyone else. If management knew she wasn’t performing properly this is their job to manage, rather than leaving it to the team to humiliate her. Again, no-one knows the amount of feedback given, it’s all speculation. This post has vast become a divide between those who want to hate on a stranger and those with compassion.

Bravo. You’ve summed it up better than I ever could. This is the first experience I have had with Mumsnet and quite honestly, the lack of compassion for a struggling, regressing individual who doesn’t have the safety net of her family or friends in a foreign country, is so off putting. The fact this site is called “mumsnet” is kind of ironic. All over a harmless bl**dy horse.

The longer you spend on here you will soon learn how much mumsnetters hate disabled people

Just leave the poor kid alone!

It’s not “natural” it’s what we have been conditioned to believe, for no good reason

Firstly relax everyone, no need to tear chunks out of each other. The anger in this thread is interesting... anyway...

I can understand the frustration for OP, particularly if they have limited time and patience for the situation.

On the one hand, this is a professional environment, and the behaviour could reasonably be seen as inappropriate. Speaking in a baby voice is not something one would expect from colleagues in a professional setting.

At the same time, it sounds as though she may be struggling for any number of reasons, and I suspect this behaviour is a way of managing her distress. People often develop ways of behaving that help them get their needs met, and it is likely that this approach has worked for her in the past. We all learn ways of getting people to back off or provide help when we feel overwhelmed, and I don't think this is unique to her.

What may have been helpful to her in the past, particularly in getting people to back off or avoiding feedback, may not be appropriate or effective in a professional environment. As a child, for example, she may have developed "don't hurt me" behaviours, such as acting more childlike to avoid criticism.

To me, this speaks more to a lack of coping strategies and resilience than to her deliberately trying to be difficult or irritating. I would suggest that compassion needs to be central to how this situation is approached. Most adults would find behaving in these ways embarrassing, which suggests that something else may be going on beneath the surface.

Some people find receiving any feedback that challenges their self-perception extremely painful, particularly when they do not have a strong sense of self. Even relatively minor criticism can leave them questioning whether they really know who they are, or wondering what other people in the workplace truly think or feel about them.
Over the years, I have known many people who, when faced with even the slightest criticism, withdraw and become distant, act childlike, become aggressive, or overcompensate in an attempt to make up for their perceived failures.

The first thought that came to mind when I read this thread was: has anyone actually addressed the behaviour gently and asked her if she is okay?

I might say something along the lines of:
"Sarah, I've noticed you've been carrying a cuddly toy around quite a bit this week, and I'm wondering if everything is okay, as this isn't something that's usual for you."

TLDR: People behave in ways that get what they need or avoid pain. Keep compassionate, as you would hope others would do to you if you were struggling. That includes posters here.

Pp have probably already said this but I haven't time to read every answer.

Sounds like the personality test was the last straw for this girl. At best she's struggling to regulate her emotions, while at worst she's very unwell. Either way she needs support. I think you should go to HR, OP. Getting the ball rolling could make a significant difference to her in her vulnerable state of mind.

It's very unusual for an adult to carry a soft toy around, and if you saw a director doing it you'd wonder what parallel universe you'd stumbled into. But just see it as a sign that this girl is really not coping and don't judge her. The toy shows you that she's in crisis.

She's not a kid!

See also, why we don't generally employ actual kids

On the contrary, there are very very good reasons why adults leave toddler like behaviour behind. Fascinating that anyone would think otherwise.

What we deem to be “toddler like behaviour” is socially conditioned. There is also a large overlap with ableism.
There is nothing wrong with this person having a cuddly toy. I can see why it may be a problem if talking to clients but that’s not the case here.
The baby voice, annoying yes, but all of this seems clearly rooted in mental health and/or neurodivergence. The woman needs compassion, not judgment.

Yes I’m very glad my doctor doesn’t talk to me in a baby voice or clutch a cuddly toy at my appointment.

If it’s an issue when dealing with clients, then it’s an issue full stop. It’s a workplace, not a therapy centre.

She's not a kid. She's in her bloody 40s!

I can't believe people are being so understanding. I couldn't work with someone who needed to be parented. If her mental state is this bad, it needs raising with HR.

But that assumes that it will be long term and that the woman isn’t receiving professional help. The toy may be a temporary support mechanism. If it doesn’t impact anyone else and has been agreed as an adjustment with management then it’s really nothing to do with anyone else. The problem throughout the thread is the lack of understanding that if there is a genuine MH problem then it’s a protected characteristic and care has to be taken in how it’s handled.

The best thing OP and her colleagues can do is report any concerns to the manager and let them deal with it. From what OP has posted they’re coming very close to something that could be considered close to workplace bullying if they don’t.

Which is why management should be dealing with it instead of ignoring it and exposing the poor woman to the contempt of her colleagues if it’s impacting their work.

Had a vivid flash of prime minister’s questions with all the MPs holding their comfort stuffies!!!

for those who missed it and fixated on the horse - this woman is seeking constant reassurance. Not only is this massively disruptive of the team but also undermines her own confidence. The horse is less of an issue (although for those crying ableism, I would point out reasonable adjustments doesn’t mean whatever you want) than the amount of time and resources this is using. Being able to take feedback, interact appropriately with others and do the job efficiently are all reasonable expectations in a workplace.

I do just want to point out that having a MH issue is not always or automatically a protected characteristic.

There have been quite a few incorrect statements made around this and how someone with a disability cant have their poor performance monitored if its as a result of said disabilty etc.

It doesnt do people any favours to be told incorrect advice.

Sorry its just a bit of a bug bear of mine. Ive been in so many meetings in the past where someone has said "ive been advised my MH is now a protected characteristic" ummm.....no....it MIGHT be (and 9/10 as soon as occ health and GP records is mentioned, suddenly they recover).

Yes, protected against what, exactly? Discrimination? We’re all protected against that. Supposedly.

Well spotted!

Quite. The same people believe that you cannot be managed out for poor performance or sickness levels if they have a LT condition, including MH.

Se also: redundancy during pregnancy or mat leave.

I think many of us would view that interpretation of conditioning as akin to claiming we’ve been ‘conditioned’ to regard ‘maison’ as French for house.

Sure, it’s all intangible, a ‘construct’, and whatever you’re having yourself, but all the same, some things just ARE, as they stand, and it’s pointless to argue and get all Jesuitical about phenomena/facts you just happen to feel strongly about.

Well that’s just not true. Context matters.

Then nothing in the world would ever change or be challenged… how dull.

There is nothing wrong with taking your panda to hospital, although standard advice is not to take anything really valuable to you in case it goes missing, and I don't think you will be allowed to take it into the operating theatre. Work is an entirely different situation.