AIBU- Stuffed Toy in the office.

[2021x]

I work in a newly formed team in an office. We have our team admin who I am going to guess is at least 26-28 y.o. woman.

We did one of those "professional" corporate team-building tests, and she seemed really confronted by some of the feedback she got. Since then, she has started acting more childlike and dependent and constantly seeking feedback on things she clearly can handle herself.

Today, however, she started walking around the office with a stuffed toy. She brought the toy-a crocheted horse- into the meetings and had it on her lap, with the head poking onto the table while she was typing, and was hugging it to her body when walking back from meeting rooms like a child and talking to other team members.

She is getting married this year and has said she just wants to elope, as the cost and managing all the preparations are stressful, and she is dreading it because she will be the centre of attention. She is clearly very sensitive and going through a very tough time (none of her family lives here), but AIBU that this is a step too far, or am I just getting a bit too old/grumpy and should mind my own business as she isn't harming anyone?

Sometimes discussing the obvious is the best way forward. Avoiding the obvious rarely helps matters. Yes of course a manager needs to check in on odd behaviour to see if she’s okay and might need support. Regular breaks might help along with regular check ins.

I would be absolutely pissed off and distracted by a live animal in the office. If we had a bring your dog day I’d work from home. In contrast, I can perfectly well ignore a stuffed toy, including a stuffed toy someone is carrying. I think you should say to your manager clearly and unambiguously ‘I think sally is having a tough time and may be having mental health difficulties. I don’t know if it’s work or home but you need to have a supportive conversation with her as her manager and see if she needs some adjustments for a while or reduced hours, to help her cope. The company could be liable if she had a breakdown. (I don’t know if that’s true , it is in Australia if there have been obvious signs and nobody’s done anything.) and say I’m going to email you that. (I’d think about cc’ing hr too- I would at my work but I know there’s hr and then there’s hr)

I am very resilient which is why other people's eccentricities don't get to me at all and I can easily cope with someone carrying a teddy bear around.

She’s very vulnerable and I would suspect she has been the victim of extreme parental criticism all her life. I’m not convinced this behaviour is ‘normalised’ as some posters have said. After all, it’s why you have posted here. Who is her line manager? I think she needs support from the company and reassurance that negative feedback is not disastrous but advice on how to improve (if, of course, that is what it is and not an ambush). She is reverting to childhood coping mechanisms when she is under pressure.

This, I can't comprehend all the little social codes that people use to ring fence and bully people. If they are doing their job adequately then move on and get along with your own work.
In the OP's example I'd say it needs raising because it's happened suddenly and the need for a lot of reassurance is impacting her colleagues. But it's a reason for support, not targeted bullying.

It's unprofessional and also somewhat attentions seeking.

Gobsmacked at all the comments suggesting you help her out- you and your colleagues aren't her therapist. If she's struggling then she needs to seek help. If she's turning up at work then she needs to act like an adult. Carrying around my little pony isn't that.

I'd be speaking to HR.

Goodness me I am so glad I am not in an environment where this nonsense happens. How awful for people to want to go to work to do their actual job and this infantilised woman is courting attention rather than doing what she is paid to do.

I always wonder what actual, tangible support the random object is actually providing. How does a bit of crochet make things better or less awful. As a grown up we process our emotions and I for one would welcome the return to people calling out this attention seeking behaviour rather than trotting out the well trodden Be Kind mantra.

How does your example work if you substitute a gold cross on a chain around her neck? What is during times of stress she fingered her cross to ground herself and draw strength from her faith? More acceptable?

No difference in these two examples to me. People have transition or other reminder objects to help them cope in difficult times, or to bring comfort. Similar to a phone or screensaver with your kids on it 🤷‍♀️

Leave her to it @2021x as others have said MYOB. It doesn’t affect you, it helps her, all is good. Sounds like this woman was subject to a ‘pile on’ at the away day- tough to hear and handle. And not the point of these days, the moderator should have nipped that in the bud right way. Were you a ring leader there I wonder? Were others in the pile on similar to you re sex and age and time served etc? I bet they were….

Exactly. It’s laughable reading how some people would be so distracted by this that they would be unable to do their jobs properly. Really pathetic.

If someone has a MH issue or ND issues that mean they need a Teddy in the office, you really would prefer it if they didn’t work and just stayed at home claiming benefits?

Do people carry their mug or their children's photo around in the office? I think not (unless on their way to the kitchen of course, re the mug not the photo!)

I don't think that this is 'normal' as I certainly haven't seen it before.

My first thought was how anxious/worried/uphappy must a person be to have to have something very conspicuous and comforting at work in a meeting.

My second thought was how upset this person must be to need that toy so much that she didn't think about perception from colleagues.

I almost never think going to HR is the answer, but I think a quiet word here that you are worried about her to her manager and/or HR is a good route to take.

Totally unprofessional behaviour. Sort it out and get her the help she needs, then ban cuddly toys in the office.

Pandering to this sort of thing is so often to the detriment of those who work hard without obvious attention seeking/distracting behaviours. That's unfair.

This. It is weird and unprofessional.

It's quite sad that she feels she needs a toy in the office but the combination of that and the 'baby' voice does make it seem rather attention seeking. Perhaps it is a genuine cry for help in which case I hope your company are supportive. She definitely sounds as though she could be ND but who knows.

The problem with reasonable adjustments is how do you decide what's actually reasonable? I'm sure many people who are signed off with mental health issues could return if this or that was different - I've been in that position myself so no judgment.

But I also accepted that the business couldn't be run around my needs without looking at the bigger picture. For example if my colleagues had to pick up for me that would be fair on them and if I carried around a random favourite object I'd look unprofessional. Adjustments have to work for both sides.

You know what, I find that weird as fuck.

But if it's not impacting you, you don't mention it, and you get on with the job you're paid for.

If it's impacting her job, her manager will deal with it.

The stuffed toy could be a hot water bottle or heating pad cover for if she has say endometriosis or similar.

Laughing to myself at the idea of the little head poking up over the table in a meeting. Think I'd have had to include it in the meeting and ask it if it had any new ideas 😂😂😂

Is that right ? I’d love to hear your thoughts on how to keep them out of the workplace.

It is weird to carry a stuffed animal around at work. When I started working someone would have said it out loud in front of everyone "hey Stacey what's with the cuddly toy"

If I liked her or was her manager I'd sit with her and explain that she will most likely not progress at work unless she finds an easier way to cope with her stress and brainstorm some ways that might work. This is true whether her work is affected by it directly or not. People will not take her seriously.

I think no one wants to have a difficult conversation with anyone anymore (which might be a conversation about choosing a more work-friendly hot water bottle cover if she has endometriosis)

Silently judge her - thats what everyone else in the office will be doing.

That's not resilience. Resilience is about coping with adversity or bouncing back from challenging situations. What you're talking about is just open mindedness.

The amount of times the word "weird" has come up derogatively on this thread. This is how children isolate and bully their often ND peers. This behaviour is learned from the adults in their lives. Accept that not everyone is the same as you, it doesn't make them weird, being hard faced about other people's differences and difficulties doesn't make you some super professional person.

Yes, they likely acknowledge mental health and neurodiversity more now to keep people in work. Laugh (privately), empathise, keep up our own efforts and move on.

God I totally agree. I'm all for supporting someone with genuine needs in a work environment appropriate way but that doesn't mean we put up with anything and everything in a paid, professional workplace. People need to get on with their jobs and be professional doing so.

Where does it end? Yes, please do bring along a pillow to cuddle at work if it comforts you. Of course you can have a 2 hour break to ground yourself everyday. No problem to bring in your support guinea pig...

I think it is resilience in the context of this thread as people are acting as if they are personally affected in a negative way by this behaviour and can't seem to get past this. But otherwise yes, open mindedness.