AIBU- Stuffed Toy in the office.

[2021x]

I work in a newly formed team in an office. We have our team admin who I am going to guess is at least 26-28 y.o. woman.

We did one of those "professional" corporate team-building tests, and she seemed really confronted by some of the feedback she got. Since then, she has started acting more childlike and dependent and constantly seeking feedback on things she clearly can handle herself.

Today, however, she started walking around the office with a stuffed toy. She brought the toy-a crocheted horse- into the meetings and had it on her lap, with the head poking onto the table while she was typing, and was hugging it to her body when walking back from meeting rooms like a child and talking to other team members.

She is getting married this year and has said she just wants to elope, as the cost and managing all the preparations are stressful, and she is dreading it because she will be the centre of attention. She is clearly very sensitive and going through a very tough time (none of her family lives here), but AIBU that this is a step too far, or am I just getting a bit too old/grumpy and should mind my own business as she isn't harming anyone?

My 40 yr old colleague was exactly the same. She was autistic, all your colleague's behaviour really indicates autism to me too. The wedding fears and stress also strengthen my feeling on autism. She may need reasonable adjustments to feel better supported, management should ask her. But when the wedding is over it may calm down a bit.

Tricky one. I think as long as she is performing to her targets, even with any extra needs she has, there isn't really anything you (as a colleague) can do. The other stuff is more of a behaviours thing, so is down to her manager to decide if it is appropriate.

Did you not read the OPs first post?
We did one of those "professional" corporate team-building tests, and she seemed really confronted by some of the feedback she got
The woman took a test and didn’t like the feedback. She wasn’t ‘bullied’ by other staff members giving her feedback! Something like this -
https://products.thomas.co/workplace-personality-test-thomas?device=c&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=&utm_content=Team+personality+test&utm_term=team%20building%20personality%20assessment&hsa_acc=9638144194&hsa_cam=23100329015&hsa_grp=189726581027&hsa_ad=778147781737&hsa_src=g&hsa_tgt=kwd-302865396142&hsa_kw=team%20building%20personality%20assessment&hsa_mt=e&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_ver=3&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23100329015&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIwoXSpLCqlwMVg4yDBx1IxQYhEAAYASAAEgJOC_D_BwE

Perhaps ask her manager to check in on her. Say I’ve noticed you’ve been carrying a stuffed toy around, is everything okay? Just see what she says. If she says nothing then maybe suggest she doesn’t carry it around as it can look unprofessional. If she’s feeling stressed then offer some things to help her like checking in daily with her manager and taking regular breaks etc but don’t say anything about the stuffed toy.

Have not RTFT but do you have a MHFA that you can speak to quietly? They can pick up with her and hopefully sign post to somewhere appropriate. It sounds like she’s struggling and needs support.

There are a few ND people I work with who have quirks, they sometimes fidget with things, it’s just part of trying to regulate. I’d ignore the horse.

I’m in a corporate environment and have been for decades. Employers have a duty and should be supporting all staff. They don’t need a diagnosis even - but one can help getting the reasonable adjustments that they need. This woman in question just needs some understanding.

I wonder if there’s a correlation between the increasing use of ‘grounding’ items and their increased availability on sites like Amazon?

The problem with this kind of thing is she is ending up on a doom loop. Sounds like no reassurance is ever enough, so hence the ever exaggerated stuffed toy being carried about, then in meetings, then the baby voice. What next?

Someone needs to sit her down and say, these are our expectations. Do this and you are just fine there are no issues. If she's hitting those then hopefully she will regain confidence and stop being such a baby

Surely cuddly toys at work are more childish than neurodivergent. I don’t know anyone neurodiverse who needs them. That said, the first post nails it-if she’s doing her work or it’s nobody else’s business.

I miss when people were resilient.
I'm so fed up of the pandering to this bullshit. Everyone has issues and triggers, they are NOT for the workplace.

Wow. The replies here. Everyone just overlooking that this behaviour started after the feedback given. Why wasn't she given a debrief and support over the issues raised by the feedback. I'm glad I'm no longer in the workplace and have always hated alpha workplace behaviour, women ganging up and behaving appallingly towards a younger woman who is struggling, it was ever thus.

Aren't you a fucking peach.

Your usage of words like "normal" and "adult" is somehow annoying. She has a stuffed toy for a day. So what?

You said "It is hard to take an adult seriously at work when they are standing in front of you, hugging a stuffed toy." - but that's hard for you, so use it as a learning opportunity to not judge over unimportant things and stay the professional adult you are so proud to be.

Yes, people do things. Other people notice it. Don't overthink it. Either you can do something for her, or you can flag it to the right person, or you can do nothing.

If I didn't have any way to offer a real support, I'd take a stuffed animal myself the next day. Not necessarily carying it to all meetings, just sitting it on my desk and taking it to the kitchen.

Given the age you say she is, did she start work in lockdown/when wfh was prevalent? She might always have used strategies like this, but when at home, you wouldn't know. And, since the test you mentioned, if she has felt stressed, be needing it again.

Are you sure its hasnt got a heatpack inside and its 'sitting 'on her lap to soothe period pains?

So you can see she's struggling. You've decided to give her problems a wide berth - fair enough. But instead of either leaving her alone or choosing to help, you are gossiping about her on social media,

Totally agree. The bar for acceptable, professional behaviour is so low these days.

I am kind and understanding for people that have genuine needs.
I just don't have any time for performative nonsense

It takes a lot of mental strength to have resilience. Especially resilience to trauma.

None of us know what this woman has gone through in her life. Not even the OP.

It’s pretty clear this woman is quite vulnerable and either autistic/neurodiverse, suffering with mental health issues or both. It’s pretty clear she is struggling and needs support in place from line management.

I hope no vulnerable people in your workplace have to come face to face with your disgusting and ignorant attitude. But going by how archaic your attitude is, I’m assuming you’re at the age where you be retired already.

Is your job title "Local captain obvious"? How would this help anyone?

"I've noticed you've been carrying a stuff toy around"... yeah, she knows.
"Looks unprofessional" - she is very probably aware it is not the most typical thing to do. Making a judgmental comment will definitely help her manage.

There is no need to comment on everything you notice unless you can offer some actionable help (but you can't really offer breaks or check with her manager - the manager needs to do that) or at least real sympathy. And the OP doesn't radiate any sympathy at all.

This wouldn’t bother me at all but I work in therapy teams with lots of characters!

Genuine needs from your point of view. If she isn't being supported, then she is trying to make her own support. It's only performative if you draw attention to it.
I volunteer with young people who have had a difficult start in life and the treatment some of them have had in the workplace from other employees is appalling.
I've also got one of my own who doesn't fit the mould, but gets on with their job only to be targeted by groups of women because they don't fit their narrow peceptions.

You don't know me and my background
(Your venomous and ageist reply shows that)

I'm nowhere near retirement and have the sort of background that I could easily use to request special treatment and extra support due to childhood and adult trauma. I don't, because I recognise that my workplace isn't where that happens.

Baby talk and hugging a toy?
You think that should be indulged?

No. Just no.
Imagine putting her in front of a client?

I work in an international global IT company. Legal and HR put a firm no to these American "team building" tests as they are a law suit waiting to happen. They have no basis in proper communication, psychology training etc. They are created by trained professionals, not by professionals but marketing/sales companies
Dumbest idea ever to use these things and TBH it would raise serious alarm bells that a company were used MyerB or CliftonStrengths etc.
Everything you describe is absolutely textbook NeuroD behaviours even undiagnosed adults can start to struggle under stress even adult women who have previously masked well, and TBH if your management/HR were dumb enough to use those tests, they were likely a big trigger one reason why they have such a bad reputation. Let's just hope your company is organised enough to get her qualified Occupational Health assessment and proper work adjustments including training staff to be more ND etc aware. She doesn't actually need to be ND to deserve proper workplace support and your workplace and staff do sound like one constructive dismissal short of a tribunal or lawsuit TBH.

Not acceptable in an office setting and it sounds like she is melting down. Are management aware of this?
Some people do need objects like this to destress but there are toys especially designed for this such as stress balls.
I know it sounds mean but I think you need to bring it up with someone before it escalates. You would be doing her a favour in the long run.
It must be a distraction for the rest of you too.