AIBU- Stuffed Toy in the office.

[2021x]

I work in a newly formed team in an office. We have our team admin who I am going to guess is at least 26-28 y.o. woman.

We did one of those "professional" corporate team-building tests, and she seemed really confronted by some of the feedback she got. Since then, she has started acting more childlike and dependent and constantly seeking feedback on things she clearly can handle herself.

Today, however, she started walking around the office with a stuffed toy. She brought the toy-a crocheted horse- into the meetings and had it on her lap, with the head poking onto the table while she was typing, and was hugging it to her body when walking back from meeting rooms like a child and talking to other team members.

She is getting married this year and has said she just wants to elope, as the cost and managing all the preparations are stressful, and she is dreading it because she will be the centre of attention. She is clearly very sensitive and going through a very tough time (none of her family lives here), but AIBU that this is a step too far, or am I just getting a bit too old/grumpy and should mind my own business as she isn't harming anyone?

I'm now picturing a female version of Mr Bean and his teddy.

👏👏👏

No you're missing my point. There's a big difference between supporting mental health needs and a cuddly toy as a soother for an adult. The ideal is somewhere between the big wide expanse between old fashioned corporate slavery and modern day accepting a teddy bear as an adult soother in a professional environment. That ideal does exist in many, many places and certainly should. It's not an either/or situation.

If she gets her work done mind your own damn business.

And yet she has a job, is showing up and trying. I know it's "odd" and yes maybe she needs some support and guidance, but would it be better if she didn't try, if she stayed at home?

I'd love to know the crossover between posters on here saying she shouldn't be working there and ones on the endless benefit/ND bashing threads screaming "oh all these people staying home for ANXIETY or AUTISM or whether else, why can't they just push themselves and go and get a job?" 🤔

It depends on the extent to which it’s affecting her work and the professionalism of the workplace. What is it you do? Is it a suit and tie/formal sort of place or more relaxed? Do you have any external people visiting for meetings or attending on teams? Because if I were her employer I would not be happy with external colleagues seeing this as it would undermine the professional credibility of your workplace and employees if there’s a toy animals head poking up at meetings! But some workplaces are more relaxed and quirky and the only people there are the ones who work there, in which case it might be less of an issue?
If you have specific concerns you can raise them with your manager and it’s for him/her to decide if it needs addressing. But part of the concern should be for this persons emotional wellbeing as much as anything.

Sounds to me like she is winding up to be signed off work due to mental health issues, to be able to concentrate on wedding planning.

If you are not used to feedback in this manner, it can knock you for six. As it was only on Tuesday, I'd giver her a break.

And the reason we all laughed at that character was because he was so clearly ridiculous.

Except people are using walking sticks and things that they don’t need too. Look, honestly, I’m not mean spirited and we all have our little ways of getting through the day and a stuffed horse is better than cigarettes, I guess. I just would worry about how vulnerable it makes lass look. I’m not victim blaming at all but at some point in her working life someone is going to view her as weak and undermine her and if she’s that fragile that could be horrible. Personally, if I were her manager, I’d be taking her under my wing and gently helping her build resilience.

SevenYellowHammers · Today 12:24 "Except people are using walking sticks and things that they don’t need too."

Why would anyone use a walking stick if they don't need one?

My boss at work part of his collection of lego models on the cupboards in the office. Maybe I should come in on a hobby horse!

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My take from your description is that you all bullied her. Feedback is not meant to be given publicly. A team event is not the place to give or obtain personal feedback.

No wonder the poor woman is struggling.

Yes, she is walking around with a big metaphorical sign saying 'exploit me'.

I do feel bad for any manager taking her under their wing, though. She may have complex needs. Or turn out to be far more unwell than appears at first sight.

I realised at 40 odd that I was auDHD (been on waiting list for 7 years for diagnosis!) BUT…. I don’t work now but when I did I was a high tax paying professional in a career I worked bloody hard for. In work I was professional, at home my tisms would come out and that’s fine. One thing I noticed over the last few years in the workplace is the entitled nature of younger people especially around ND stuff.

I worked in a job which was 24/365 and you just accepted the odd hours etc (why do 5 years of study to become a xxx if you then can’t work early shifts because you struggle to get up, can’t work late shifts because it disregulates, can’t do weekends because etc etc so everyone else has to do more.

im ND, as are my kids, my partner and my step child. We get it, we really do but I’ve seen a big shift in having to accommodate ridiculousness just because it’s almost a fashion trend.

my DD is exactly like me as a child so I can see where she struggles but we teach her how to fit in and ‘be more normal’ and at home or around people that are close she can be as weird as she likes!

having a stuffed toy in the workplace as a comfort is just silly.

Agreed. She might have been struggling on for her whole life so far while privately dealing with MH or self esteem issues and this feedback has pushed her over the edge.

It’s attention-seeking bollocks. She needs to grow up.

People do not use walking sticks for attention 🙈

Also, using someone’s weakness against them is called bullying - generally bullying is not supported behaviour.

I think your focus should be on her line manager checking her welfare and agreeing a reasonable adjustments plan, if needed.

My partner, who has Crohn's disease, absolutely needs a heat pad at times as a medical intervention, and I don't agree that's unprofessional, he can't help it.

You gotta be kidding. I know a woman of 44 going round in a disabled scooter so she can get the council to give her a bungalow.

Quite. If she spoke to me in a baby voice once, I’d probably assume (while gritting my teeth) it was a sort of ‘blurt’, a one-off.
But if this was evidently something she was now employing as part of her self-soothing/whatevs strategy, I’d be out of my chair and in the line manager’s face like a speeding bullet.
No bloody way would I be happy to accommodate this, even if her work were continuing at the expected level of excellence. I’d definitely need reprogramming myself, to learn how to speak to an adult deliberately speaking that way out of the blue.

I’d wonder where the legal requirement for ND/MH accommodations blurs into making all of that the responsibility of employees, and not management. (Which amounts to: ‘So lump it.’

Also, this is all going on in an office, which fortunately seems to have a kind of ‘walled garden’ environment so her behaviour is contained and not witnessed by non-staff, and the work is not physically being held back by her.
But must the same leeway and biting of tongues be demanded in other workplaces, were she employed elsewhere?
A public library assistant, a lab technician, an exhibition installer handling works of art, a call centre operator, a factory worker etc?

Why is a stuffed toy silly but a favourite mug or photo of your children isn’t?

They are called grounding items. It is a researched thing and many workplaces encourage you to have such items for your own wellbeing.

Sounds like you need to try it.

May I ask what her first language is? Is it Japanese by any chance? Adults taking soft toys around with them is a thing in Japan, known as nuikatsu (ぬい活).

Bet she somehow manages to cope without a cuddly toy at her wedding.

How do you know she is doing that? Is that what she told you or did you overhear half a conversation and make a judgement?