School residential

[Pops2651]

Hi,
just posting on here for traffic.
I have a nearly 11 year old son who is due to go on his school residential tomorrow for 2 nights.
he has recently been diagnosed with separation anxiety, health anxiety, ptsd and ocd type worries. Without drip feeding, he was seriously ill when he was 7 and then lost his dad shortly after.
this makes it hard for him to be away from me, he still can’t sleep in his own room and even a night down my mums every once in a while causes him a great deal of stress.
we are under CAMHS and he is being referred to a psychologist.
my issue is, he is in two minds about going and it is actually making him ill. I know he will be fine during the day but it’ll be the night time. It’s 3 hours away so I wouldn’t be able to just collect him if he didn’t settle.
im at a loss at what to do, because I know if he doesn’t go he will be stressing all weekend about missing out but then I’m so worried he will make himself ill when he’s there as I don’t think he will settle at all. He was shaking just talking about it this morning and saying he felt like he was going to vomit.
any advice would be massively appreciated. I think this could be life changing for him if he goes but at the same time I know the intensity of his anxiety and I don’t want to make things worse.

thank you xx

@Pops2651 sending hugs today as whatever your decision there is a lot to deal with x

Thank you so much!
he has said he wants to be brave and give it a go. Whatever the outcome I’m really proud of him xx

Ah, bless you both!!
When he calls just affirm, don’t minimise- you sound like a great mum in really difficult circumstances. I’m sure you wouldn’t.
“You’re really anxious tired and miserable. It’s such a massive step you’ve made. You feel awful now but it’ll be brilliant to see you on Sunday. Even if you don’t sleep tonight you’ll get through this. I really want to hear all the details when you’re back.”

I don’t know is if this is helpful or not but my son had OCD and when he was 11 the school residential was a huge deal and it gave him so much anxiety weather or not to go he was shaking like your son and had obsessive thoughts so I took the decision away from him and I said he wasn’t going. It was the right call for him and he looks back now and says he’s so glad I did that. Yes the kids will talk about it for the week they get back but sometimes the worry just isn’t worth it. OCD is a serious mental health problem and if he’s not seeing anyone for CBT then it could cause him more harm than good to go. Unless he’s got a therapist to talk through all possible outcomes with in a controlled environment I wouldn’t take the risk. It’s not just about saying he’s a bit nervous he’s got a mental health problem.

Ach the poor wee fella. I hope he can get through it. I hope you’re ok too. So hard.

They are talking about OCD and I think that’s something he’ll be talking about when he meets the psychologist.
in all honesty I really didn’t want him to go, but I wanted to give him the option himself and he chose to go. I’ve spoken to the teacher again this morning and he is going to get him to call me on a night if he feels stressed- I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing but again, I’m just really proud of him for putting himself in an uncomfortable position and fighting through xx

Unfortunately you can’t really make this better at this point. When the residential was booked would have been the time to say ‘well because of the separation anxiety etc that doesn’t sound like one for you’.

If he is desperate to go, he goes - he might hate it and that sucks but it’s not for long.

Really crossing my fingers for you and your boy!

@Pops2651 That is amazing!!! And great you have given him the support to make to make the decision which will have helped him have the confidence to go!

It must be so hard, but it’s unfortunate you’ve left it so late to really think about the practicalities of him going (and sounds like money is tight so if he doesn’t go this will be a big loss). Perhaps if planned further ahead you could have stayed in a cheaper air bnb nearby, or even gone as a formal helper with the trip (meaning DBS checks etc).

good luck wherever you end he decide ❤️ I’d have yourself ready to collect him the first morning as if he struggles badly overnight the first night they are unlikely to keep him longer and will ask you to come and get him.

Bloody hell no way would I have gone on a school residential over a weekend, it’s one thing being a bit miserable, but at least you miss school, to being miserable and missing a weekend!
anyway good luck to your son OP. Hopefully he’ll have a fabulous time, and not feel homesick.

I think it will be good for him OP. He sounds like my daughter who suffered debilitating anxiety as she grew up but always wanted to conquer it. (She’s now a few weeks into uni and loving her independence). The teacher sounds like he’s prepared to look out for him. Even if he does suffer anxiety, he’ll grow from this experience. Good luck to him ❤️

Oh my gosh, OP, I am so stupidly proud of him and you!
That’s a massive step he has taken and I’m aware it’s only Friday night, but hopefully he will have so much fun, he just crashes tonight! Keeping everything crossed for a smooth weekend for you!

If he doesnt want to go then he shouldnt go and I dont think you should have agreed to it. If he goes and has a meltdown then it will be a nightmare for the staff and for the other kids as well as for the both of you. If he were older you could tell him that he can only go if there is no nonsense but he is too young to understand that. Im surprised school agreed to take him tbh.

Everything crossed for you both. I’m thinking of you two.

This sounds like odd timing, is it a private school? All residentials locally normally take place over the weekdays and in year 6 and usually 4 nights away.
If the teacher is aware then surely they would be in contact if any issues. My daughter went this year and I had spoken to her teacher about her being worried. They sent me a message on the first night to say all was fine. A friend's child struggled and had to be collected after 2 nights which she was expecting and was happy for the school to do.
I would have had a plan of how you would collect your child as you don't drive and made sure you had taxi money ready or spoken to a good friend to ask if they would help if needed.
Again it does seem strange to go so far, especially for only 2 nights.

Weekend is odd but 2 nights is normal, I’ve never heard of the residential being longer than 2 nights

Locally all year 6 residentials are Monday to Friday.
My school doesn't, but others in the area do a year 4 residential which is only 2 nights.

So if he does need collecting what plan do you have in place? Sorry if someone has asked and I have missed it.

Fingers crossed that all was well - any update @Pops2651 ?

That’s obviously just local to you though, it doesn’t mean OPs situation is unusual.

Locally to me, and where I used to live 3 hours away they do a 2 night residential in y6 and y7,
so there’s just plenty of variety. They went somewhere 2 and a half hours away this year, but where I used to live it was 3+ hours as that was the closest place that did these trips. 2 nights cos over £300 so I’m glad they didn’t double that to be honest

It does sound like he has severe OCD and separation anxiety, is he adopted by any chance?

You need to protect your sone and a 2 night residential is not a good idea as a form of exposure therapy. I would not send him as he clearly isn't ready and residential are optional.

All it due time, he will grow up a lot in the next few years and is likely to be able to cope much better.

Thank you for all your comments, some a bit harsher than others but I appreciate them all the same. And thank you for your kindness too 💖

too answer some questions, he isn’t adopted and he isn’t in a private school. Weekends are quite common in my area with junior and comp, although this differs if they are going longer obviously.

he called me last night and was a bit upset- he didn’t ask to come home just said that he missed me.but he did do it and there is photos of them all enjoying breakfast this morning! My best friend is on stand by tonight if we need anything!

I know some people don’t agree with me sending him but it was his choice. I would have preferred him not to have gone at all. His teacher said he had a wonderful day yesterday and it was just a little set back at bed time.

im so proud of him and his bravery as this is a massive deal for him xx

It’s better to read the updates when the Op was posted days ago.

And adopted is a random call given the explanation for his separation anxiety already being in the OP.

I was just asking if it was a private school as to me it seemed unusual based on my experience of year 6 residentials to be so short and over the weekend.
Also the price you quote is only slightly less than the 4 nights we did (£340).

Anyway I hope he had a good time and OP didn't have to collect in the night considering there didn't sound like there was any plan for this eventuality.