School residential

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Hi,
just posting on here for traffic.
I have a nearly 11 year old son who is due to go on his school residential tomorrow for 2 nights.
he has recently been diagnosed with separation anxiety, health anxiety, ptsd and ocd type worries. Without drip feeding, he was seriously ill when he was 7 and then lost his dad shortly after.
this makes it hard for him to be away from me, he still can’t sleep in his own room and even a night down my mums every once in a while causes him a great deal of stress.
we are under CAMHS and he is being referred to a psychologist.
my issue is, he is in two minds about going and it is actually making him ill. I know he will be fine during the day but it’ll be the night time. It’s 3 hours away so I wouldn’t be able to just collect him if he didn’t settle.
im at a loss at what to do, because I know if he doesn’t go he will be stressing all weekend about missing out but then I’m so worried he will make himself ill when he’s there as I don’t think he will settle at all. He was shaking just talking about it this morning and saying he felt like he was going to vomit.
any advice would be massively appreciated. I think this could be life changing for him if he goes but at the same time I know the intensity of his anxiety and I don’t want to make things worse.

thank you xx

Can you stay close by in a hotel, so he knows you're there if he needs you?

Are the teachers aware of just how serious his mental health issues are? Have they done a risk assessment?

It wouldn’t be possible to stay in a hotel unfortunately.
yes they are aware as he has had counselling at school.

I had this same scenario when my son was 11, his residential was to the Isle of Wight so I’d have to have got a boat to go get him. I ended up booking a hotel nearby, just incase he needed me to get him. The school also allowed him to call home and tell me about his day before dinner every day (not before bed as I thought that would be too triggering!) Could this work for you and your son? X

How pricey was the trip?
Id deffo be considering a hotel nearby, even 2 hours closer. Mine went to Arthog (3 hours away) and I located an Air B&B that was close by in case there were any issues.
I know you said a hotel isn’t possible, but maybe an Air B&B or something?

Have the staff at school spoken to him about it? Do they no how nervous he is?

I think that’s a really difficult situation and it could go both ways- love it or hate it. Kids can surprise us.
I think I’d need a firm plan in place and be willing to go get him if needed.

do school see the levels of anxiety that you do at home? Kids often mask at school and just get on with things to fit in.

Have you spoken to the school properly in the last couple of days, rather than just know they are aware?

If they think they can manage it, he should go.

My child’s friend did it as daytrips so they didn’t miss out but weren’t too stressed. However they are now 17 and still can’t do sleepovers so also missed DofE, sports tour and language trips.

I’d start with sleepovers with a best friend and ask the parents to facilitate as best they can. Avoiding the small stuff means the big stuff gets worse.

I really wouldn’t be able to stay in a hotel.
we tried to have his friend stay over last week and he did manage to have him sleepover but he had meltdown after meltdown that he wasn’t going to be in the room with me.
I really appreciate all the advice xx

Having a very similar child of likely around the same age, im afraid it sounds like it might be a step too far. I always questioned if I was just being an over anxious mum and putting it on my child but am learning to trust my gut which is usually right. I think it would be one thing if you were able to stay locally and drop him each day or be minutes away, but if he had panic attacks from you not being in the same room at the weekend and does the same tomorrow, you will be three hours away. Go with whatever YOUR gut is telling you x

The other important thing is he is able to see it isnt a failure on his part if he doesnt go but that it is something he can do later. Mine eldest didnt in primary but has in secondary as he has absolutely thrived and grown in independence.

Remember you are an amazing mum doing everything you can to meet your child's needs. And for camhs to be involved I know you will have had years of navigating it all so remember you've got this!

Can you both stay in a hotel nearby and he joins for the day activities from breakfast until dinner?

Go with your gut. If he couldn't cope with a sleep over, he's likely going to struggle there, even if he masks. I do understand he'll feel disappointed in missing out on the fun during the day, but could you do a few activities at home/out and about so he feels he's achieved something else?

How difficult for both of you. Given the sleepover it sounds like it’s too much for him to go away. Can you ask him how he’d feel if he just decided not to go, once he’d got used to the idea of taking it off the table would he be able to relax?

I personally wouldn’t send him. With a lot of children they are nervous but will
probably be fine once there, but your experience is telling you this is unlikely to
be the case. Without being able to stay nearby just in case, I don’t think it sounds worth the stress.

I would keep him home, if he found the sleepover at home tricky then a residential 3 hours away could cause a lot of distress. I would be worried that he would get very anxious at night and you’ll be too far away to help. I’m sure teachers will look after him but I do think it might be too much for him at the moment. He’s been through a lot and 11 is still so young. Could you maybe do a fun weekend with some activities so he doesn’t feel like he’s missed out too much?

As a cub leader, I'm a huge fan of camps/residentials for kids this age. But it really does sound as though your DS is just not ready yet, and that's fine, not every child is. It's not worth putting him through something that will cause him so much stress.

Could you do some fun activities with him at home, so he still has a great weekend, just different to the one he was expecting?

He is young and has whole life of potential adventures ahead of him. Allow him to get there in his own time. Don't set him back by insisting he go on this trip.

He was shaking while even speaking of it; that would tell me all I need to know.

I would think about working up to the next one by having days out, a camping trip, (perhaps eventually taking one of his friends along). Build his confidence up rather than eroding it even further - which going on the trip would do.

I'm all for independence and adventure but he needs to get there in increments.

I know you said that staying nearby wouldn't be possible for you so I'm just posting this to give you some perspective. We had a similar situation and I did book a nearby airbnb, but it wasn't needed and everything was OK - DC had a brilliant time and didn't need me to run to the rescue at any point. DC explained that being in a group of 6 in a room with classmates was obviously very different from sharing a room with me but was fun and nothing like being alone in a bedroom at home or at grandma's house so it wasn't upsetting.

EDIT - I SEE YOU TRIED THIS My recommendation would be to host a sleepover for a small number of classmates in your sittingroom a couple of weeks before the residential so that sleeping in a room with peers is less unfamiliar.
as this was tried and didn't work out i agree it's not appropriate for your DC just yet

I’m not sure what your dilemma is? He clearly can’t and won’t cope. Staying nearby should not be an option because it defeats the whole purpose and other kids would want that too.
he couldn’t cope in his own home with a friend, and you there so why would he at school or a new environment.
Just don’t send him?

Thank you all for the solid advice. I really appreciate it so much so thank you! X
i have spoken to his teacher again this morning and he has said it will be life changing for him if he goes and that he can FaceTime me on a night time off his phone.
I’m goung to pack his case and see how he feels when he gets in. I probably get torn a new one but if he isn’t going to the residential I don’t think I’ll be making him go to school tomorrow as he will be the only one out of his year in.

i do think a lot of you are right though and he just isn’t ready. But I also don’t want him feeling really anxious all weekend about going into school on Monday and all of his friends are talking about it but I think he does have to deal with a certain amount of anxiety as I can’t protect him from everything.

it’s just really hard when he’s already had so much trauma and you want to wrap them in cotton wool. Xx

The dilemma is her son wants to go, partly anyway, so she’s considering all options. I agree it doesn’t seem like it will work but there’s nothing wrong with considering it

The dilemma is he is in two minds whether to go or not and wanted to “be brave” (in his words) and try and go and push himself but his anxiety was taking over.

If you can’t do the hotel thing I wouldn’t send him.
my daughter pushed through at that age (I was also pushing) and unfortunately the trip set her back a long way. I should have listened to my gut that she wasn’t ready.

Why can't you stay in a hotel nearer? You haven't explained that part and it's the obvious solution.

Iwould just be really positive about it and remind him of all the good things about it and what he will enjoy etc. I wouldn’t focus on his anxiety. Just big up all the good things about going and how much fun it will be. Good luck!