School residential

[Pops2651]

Hi,
just posting on here for traffic.
I have a nearly 11 year old son who is due to go on his school residential tomorrow for 2 nights.
he has recently been diagnosed with separation anxiety, health anxiety, ptsd and ocd type worries. Without drip feeding, he was seriously ill when he was 7 and then lost his dad shortly after.
this makes it hard for him to be away from me, he still can’t sleep in his own room and even a night down my mums every once in a while causes him a great deal of stress.
we are under CAMHS and he is being referred to a psychologist.
my issue is, he is in two minds about going and it is actually making him ill. I know he will be fine during the day but it’ll be the night time. It’s 3 hours away so I wouldn’t be able to just collect him if he didn’t settle.
im at a loss at what to do, because I know if he doesn’t go he will be stressing all weekend about missing out but then I’m so worried he will make himself ill when he’s there as I don’t think he will settle at all. He was shaking just talking about it this morning and saying he felt like he was going to vomit.
any advice would be massively appreciated. I think this could be life changing for him if he goes but at the same time I know the intensity of his anxiety and I don’t want to make things worse.

thank you xx

Because it’s 3 hours away, I don’t drive and the closest hotel I’ve found to where he is staying is nearly £300 a night. I’m on my own with no extra support and I’ve spent a lot of money paying for the trips aswell as everything he needed to go on it.

Surely there will be an air b&b or something within half an hour of the place?

You don't need to be in the absolute closest hotel though, just one that is not three hours away.

The level of anxiety here is relevant. We aren't talking about a child with mild separation anxiety, but a child who needs psychological intervention. I think I'd take this decision out of his hands and say he's not yet ready. There will be other residentials when he's in a much better place mentally. If he goes and the experience is bad, it could set him back or make him anxious about future residentials. It might be different if you could be close by, but as that's not possible, with no 'escape plan' he may feel very trapped. Plan to do something fun with him that weekend to take his mind off it.

She doesn’t drive though, how is she going to travel to the place and between places? And how will she afford it? It’s obviously not going to be in a busy city location

This is really difficult OP. Can you talk to school again, what is their actual plan if he doesn't cope? Are they aware of his diagnosis and will they treat him differently to other kids who are just suffering with mild homesickness? If there is an escape route (like they say one of them will drive him to the nearest major station to meet you) then I'd say maybe but if there is no escape route and school are saying you'd have to come and get him etc if he really wasn't coping (which you can't do) or if they're brushing it off with a 'he'll be fine, kids always are after the first night' then I wouldn't send him. I'd say in general anxiety has to be addressed by building up to things, small wins, doing things gradually. Not jumping in at the deep end with no safety net.

I think from reading your opening post there are quite a few steps your child can be encouraged to do before he feels confident enough to go on a residential. I would try to tackle these first and build his confidence. Once he has achieved first small steps it is something to build on and use to remind him that he does have the ability to take control and deal with potentially stressful situations.

-sleeping in his own room

-being able to sleep over at a trusted adults home ie with his granny

For the residential this weekend then I think an “emergency medical issue”, say Covid or flu rather than an upset stomach or migraine, would give him an acceptable out.

Has the school said what their plan is should he have a panic attack and/or a meltdown and is distressed and inconsolable?
What do you think it will look like when he realises he has no choice but to stay where he is and that you aren't going to be able to make it better?

It's such a tricky one tbh. If it was a bit of separation anxiety or first time nerves being away from home, I'd definitely be saying to send him, but these are some pretty heavy duty mental health issues he has.
But on the other hand, he may cope, and enjoy it, and it could be a major turning point for him. And if he doesn't try, he will never know, and consequently miss out on lots of fun.

What would be the worse for him? The anxiety of being away from home and not being able to go back, or the anxiety of the FOMO for a few days/weeks/months?

Just a suggestion if he does go, but could he take an item of clothing or something that smells of you as a comforter, and maybe throughout the night have an ongoing video call with you so it sort of feels like you're with him?

I don’t think his teacher is grasping the extent of how bad his anxiety is no. As he said on the phone this morning that he has had to “hand hold” a few kids in previous years. The school are aware of the treatment he has received and will be receiving in the next few months with the psychologist.
my son comes across as very confident at school as he hides it quite well which I was trying to explain to the teacher this morning that it’s not just general anxiety of him going away.

as for the hotel, I really wish I could afford it. I’ve even asked my closest friends if they will be around incase I need them to pick him up. One is working and one is on holiday. It’s also a big ask for anyone to do a 6 hour round trip on a Friday night.
i just feel like a bad mum whatever I do. His teacher is going to have a chat with him and call me back but I’m just going to see how he is tonight xx

It's not going to help with this trip, but for a future trip, see if you can get a DBS and go along. My friends did this, their son is also very very anxious. His Dad went, stayed in the centre during the day and did his work online from there, whilst the child was out all day with the class. With a plan that he would share a room at night with his Dad. By night 2 he was sharing a room with the other boys and his Dad barely saw him. But I think knowing he was there really helped.

Could you give him lots of letters and envelopes to open in case he gets anxious so you can reassure him that way?

I don't think you should send him if you don't have a clear way of getting him home if needed.

If you can be close by / on standby should he need you then fine, let him try.

He is not ready, he shouldn't go.
He is too far and you cant collect him if anything goes wrong as you don't drive.

This. Why cause so much of angst and unnecessary drama over it. You say the teachers don’t fully grasp the anxiety so how do you think they will be able to help him? He’s had meltdowns whilst in his own home with you there.
he may want to but he isn’t ready and there will be more residential when he is in a better space

Given that you don't drive and seemingly have no other way of getting to him if he has a serious problem whilst there, I think it would be better if he didn't go. If it was just mild separation anxiety it would be different but his issues sound much more severe.

This is what I was going to suggest.

DH took a child on a coastal residential once. Childs dad had drowned at a beach saving someone else's life. Child was present and hadn't been near the sea since.
Mum came out the first evening to check in/pick up if necessary. Child actually was fine. But may not have been. In this situation, it was only 2hrs and mum drove. It was also accessible by train.
It's a shame you can't go and stay to make the opportunity easier for him and give him that choice at the end of the day.

Definitely better for him not to go. If you could drive to collect him it wouldn’t be so bad or if you could stay nearby with him overnight in an air BnB so he could still partake in the daytime activities it also would work. Since you can’t do either, I wouldn’t risk it. You know he can’t even have a sleepover with friends without having a meltdown so he’s going to do this there and the teachers will have to try and support him, it isn’t fair on him or them.

Having the same issue - no diagnosis but definitely anxiety. I don’t think he will go. He went on 1 2 years ago for 1 night and loved it. Gutted for him to miss out but I think it could cause a massive loss of confidence and make him more anxious.

Have you not talked to the school about it when it was planned/booked to prepare them that he might not go?

What does he think, does he want to try?

It doesn't sound like it's going to work though, I have to say. He can do this when he's ready. Does he have an ECHP?

I’m sorry-I didn’t see you didn’t drive. That changes things.
He shouldn’t go.

I stayed in a hotel near the pgl centre and collected my autistic child at bedtime so she could go. It worked really well.

With his diagnosis and the fact you can’t get him as you don’t drive I’d say no. It sounds like school haven’t appreciated extent of his issues eg he currently needs to sleep with a parent.

I have an 11 yo with anxiety (though admittedly hasnt got a history of trauma like your DS) and I entirely get it.

In this situation unless I could stay nearby I dont think i could let him go. My ds has done some scout camps etc but all within an huor or so's drive so I knew I could pick him up if needed.

That all said, I think you need to listen to your gut and NOT what the school says. My ds masks well at school and they really dont understand the extent of his anxiety.

I’d book at hotel /air BnB nearby and just bring him over for the daytime activities.
11 is still so young !
my eldest is 11 and his year haven’t got any overnight trips like this. (We’re outside the UK, I think “residentials” are a uk thing)

Dont let the teacher's attitude make you second guess yourself. So many of us get, they are fine once they are in (ignore the huge meltdown when home demonstrating they have masked), do you think it is your anxiety rubbing off on them, it will do them good etc. I ignored my gut too long and listened to the school, and am reaping the consequences now of having a severely unwell burnt out child. Is it even he really wants to go or feels he should as he wants to please his teacher (ie the fawn or fight flight freeze fawn response).

And you dont need to explain why you cant go or anything else. People forget it isnt a game of sims and that you dont owe them an explanation. It doesnt make you a worse mum that you cant, you are still a mum doing her best under really exhausting and challenging circumstances.

Trust yourself, there is no must or should here, just a decision for you and your son to work out without the pressure influencing it x