MIL Christmas dilemma – AIBU to not want DH spending most of Christmas Day driving?

[Foxy200]

I’m really struggling with this and could do with some outside opinions.
MIL is in her 80s, lives about two hours away, doesn’t drive and has been on her own since FIL died 15 years ago. DH is an only child, so realistically we are the only family she has at Christmas.
She is extremely introverted and has always found staying anywhere other than her own home very difficult. She doesn’t particularly like coming to ours and can only really cope with being around people for a couple of hours.
Historically, when she comes for Christmas, she wants DH to collect her late on Christmas Eve and take her home first thing on Boxing Day. With the driving there and back twice, DH ends up spending about five hours of Christmas on the road.
This year my parents are coming to us. MIL has never spent Christmas with us when they are here. There’s no falling out and she doesn’t dislike them — she just finds having other people around very difficult — so I strongly suspect she will decide to stay at home.
Normally I would think that was entirely her choice.
The complication is that when she has stayed at home in previous years, she sometimes hasn’t answered the phone all day and has even unplugged it. DH then becomes so worried that he drives two hours there to check she is OK and two hours back. On the occasions this has happened, she has been absolutely fine.
However, this year we are also concerned that she may be developing dementia and are waiting for an assessment. She is increasingly forgetful and there have been occasions when she hasn’t remembered who we are. So I completely understand why DH is worried about leaving her alone.
DH is now suggesting that if she won't come to us, he drives up on Christmas Day, spends a couple of hours with her and drives home. Realistically he could be gone for six or seven hours.
And this is where I’m struggling.
I don't want to be horrible about an elderly woman potentially developing dementia, and if this were my mum I know I would be worried too. But I also don't think the answer can be that DH spends a huge chunk of every Christmas driving around the country.
She is invited to ours. We genuinely want her to come and would make her welcome. She could have a quiet room to retreat to and wouldn't be expected to sit socialising all day. But if she decides she would rather stay at home, should DH then miss most of Christmas Day to go to her?
The other thing I'm struggling with is that even if DH agrees not to go, I'm not sure how any of us actually enjoy Christmas.
My parents will be here, but if MIL is at home alone and not answering the phone, DH will spend the day worrying about whether she's OK. I'll know he's worrying and I'll feel guilty trying to enjoy myself with my parents while he's anxious about his mum. We'll potentially spend Christmas Day waiting to see whether she answers the phone and wondering whether DH is going to end up getting in the car anyway.
So it feels as though whatever we do, Christmas ends up revolving around MIL.
There is also some history that probably affects how I feel about this. DH had a very difficult childhood and left home at 16. From 16 until he met me at 29, MIL essentially left him to spend Christmases without her. I have to admit I find it hard not to feel some resentment that our family Christmases now revolve around making sure she isn't alone when she didn't seem to have the same concern about him when he was young.
At the same time, she's his mum. She's elderly, she's alone and she may have dementia. I absolutely don't want DH sitting at home worrying that something has happened to her, or feeling terrible if he doesn't go. And if this were my own mum, I suspect I'd feel exactly as he does.
We also have an 11-year-old son, and I feel quite sad at the thought of his dad disappearing for most of Christmas Day. There aren't that many childhood Christmases left.
I'm starting to think the real issue is that we need some way of knowing MIL is safe without DH having to drive four hours every time she doesn't answer her phone. If she is becoming unsafe to be left alone, then obviously this is much bigger than Christmas and we need a proper plan for her care.
But in the meantime I don't know what the answer is.
If she comes to us, she will be unhappy because my parents are here and she finds being around people overwhelming.
If she stays at home, DH will worry about her.
If DH goes to see her, he misses most of Christmas with us and our son.
And if he stays home but spends the whole day worrying about her, I'm not sure any of us will enjoy Christmas anyway.
AIBU to feel that we can't keep doing this every Christmas? And what would you actually do in our situation?

Don't tell her that your parents are coming. Let her arrive and say sorry change of plan or just leave it till your parents rock up.

Christmas Day aside, it sounds like she needs more support. Does she have any friends or other relatives living near her who can pop in? If not, I’d start looking at a carer to go in once a day to start with and then you can increase when you need to.

I can see why you’re pissed off about Christmas Day. I’d suggest your DH plans to visit her on either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day and arranges a Christmas Day visit from a friend/relative or carer so he has peace of mind. She is manipulating you with unplugging the phone so he needs to put a stop to that.

Your DH is a grown man and can make his own decisions. If he wants to visit his mum who is possible suffering from dementia in Christmas Day then that’s his choice.
your 11 year old child will be absolutely fine. They are old enough to know and understand that their grandmother isn’t well and needs more support.
your parents will be there with you, so you aren’t exactly hard done by.
you can always do a special Christmas thing with your DH and child on another day of the e Christmas period if your DH does go to see him mum on Christmas Day.
Also I’d let go of the resentment you have for your MIL from when your DH was between 16-29 years old when you weren’t even in his life, it didn’t have anything to do with you and if your DH was that worried at the time then he’d have just gone home to his parents for Christmas - that seems to have been both of their choices not to spend Christmas as a family so the resentment against her alone is a little unjust, she may have realised what she was missing, maybe reflected more, has a better relationship with her son as he got older - so many reasons she likes to see him now and the same for your DH.

He has to do what he was to do. I’ve spent Christmases driving from London to Manchester via stops at Birmingham. All on the same day. It’s rubbish but nobody put us in these situations. They just exist. Just support what he wants to do. If I eas him, I’d visit her.

@Foxy200 would a local holiday let or Air B&B be possible? We didn't have all the same issues with my late mother but she very much liked her own company and did find it challenging when she was widowed to be social for too long. As a family we had always alternated who we spent Christmas with - again no falling out or anything it just worked that way.

After my father died we stayed with my in laws that Christmas and I'd pop over to the holiday cottage which she loved and either pick her up for a few hours or she'd have one of the grandchildren over. It was my last Christmas with her so I'm pleased we did it.

Could you arrange for carers to go in to get her breakfast, lunch and supper and ring you on each occasion? Perhaps you could leave her a nice lunch that could easily be heated up? At least that way your husband would know she was ok.

Does he ring her daily now? Does she unplug her phone on any other day?

Why is xmas different to any other day? It isn't. Have hubs enjoy xmas day at home, he can visit the day after, no harm done.

I think you need to start by asking your DH how he felt about his mother not being around for Christmas, when he was young, and ask him if that's how he wants his own son to feel.
And then work out a plan, together, that works for everyone. Atm, it feels as if DH is being guilted into doing whatever his mother wants him to do.
My immediate thought is to see if cameras or listening device in her home would work, although tbf I would HATE that, if I was in her position. Would she consider respite care over Christmas? Home help to at least check in on her? Or a helpful neighbour? How do you manage every other day? Does your DH ring her constantly? Does she usually answer?

I'm sorry, but regardless of possible dementia, you MIL sounds rather manipulative. Switching off the phone so that your DH is forced to drive 2 hours there and back to check she is ok is not really acceptable. If she refuses to come to you can you book a care service visit for that day to check on her and then you can all relax? Going forward, you will need a dementia assessment to be carried out so that you can decide what care your MIL needs.
Christmas is really for children so I feel for your 11 year old child.

Christmas is a season not just a day. If she’s at the point she doesn’t recognise family I can’t imagine it would make a huge amount of difference to her if he visits on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day instead.

When you have young kids Christmas should be all about them. Any adults can work around it and especially given their history, your MIL has to accept that if she doesn’t come to you she’ll get a family (or just DH) visit on a different day.

If he speaks to her daily and she only turns off her phone on Xmas day she’s being a manipulative cow. If he doesn’t speak to her daily then there’s absolutely no reason to worry on Xmas day more than any other.

Yeah this.

She's got everyone dancing to her tune. Tell her to come to yours, otherwise you'll see her boxing day.

If she's got no expectation that DH will be calling, then I suspect miraculously she won't unplug it just to get him running after her. He is aware that's what she's doing right?

I think her coming to you and her being able to retreat to her own space is perfect and the most fainamd safest plan for all involved .

If she refuses and doesn't answer phone send police round for welfare check

Book carers to go in over the Christmas period so your DH can relax.

Strongly disagree with this actually. I don't think you can just erase a history of poor parenting, just because said parent is now old and vulnerable. I actually find it remarkable that parents who put in the bare minimum with their own kids - or even less than that - expect them to come running once they experience the difficulties that come with old age. Smacks of narcissism.

And the OP's MIL probably won't enjoy or even really remember Christmas, whereas it absolutely should still be a sparkly magical family day for an 11-year-old child. Her husband needs to prioritise his child. If he's really worried about his mother, then he can pay for a carer to visit her and check she's OK. But it's just one day and no reason why she'd be better or worse than any other day.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this but there is a monitoring system called “Canary”. No cameras but motion sensors placed around the home and linked to an app on a mobile phone. The beauty of this system is that it’s non-intrusive but the relative can see if their loved one is following their normal routine and moving about the home. Obviously if the loved one is stationary for an extended length of time at an unusual time of the day you can see if they for example get up to go to the toilet.
This would allow your husband to be reassured even if Emily doesn’t answer the phone.
https://www.canarycare.co.uk/

My friend is in a similar position has recently put a ring doorbell and a couple of cameras in her parents house. It allows her to check on them fairly non intrusively for reassurance.
(Also to speak via the camera when they don't answer their phones!)

To be honest, this could be the last year she is in her own home, my last few Xmas’s my o/h spent with his mother, I would make both of them dinner then he would take both plates to his mothers and spend the rest of the day with her, she would never come to us so it was a solution, I wasn’t very happy about it but she’s now gone so it was worth it to him, I would do something similar and let him go to hers, you can still celebrate with him on Boxing Day and he has peace of mind.

Honestly, she if she does this every time,
Id let her know you’ll be calling on phone on xmas day, but if she doesn’t answer it’ll be boxing day before you can visit. She’s doing this on purpose, don’t reward her bad behaviour. Are you worried she will do manifest an emergency to punish you if DH doesn’t check? Or is she so poorly there is a real risk of some happening? If it’s that serious then how is she checked up on a day to day basis?

I find this thread utterly depressing. The selfishness and lack of empathy is shocking.

All the solutions offered are one to suit OP, none that really take into consideration her MIL.

All the solutions show no understanding at all of what it's like to live alone, with the start of dementia, knowing your only son lives hours away. No appreciation of the anxiety that comes with old age and loss of memory, that familiarity is the absolute source of comfort.

No consideration that at her age, Christmas might also means a lot to her.

More shockingly, that OPs husband is okay to go and spend the day with his mum. It's not him who is refusing to do it, it's OP who has an issue with it and is trying to manipulate him into not going.

I would never treat my parents like this, and thankfully, my husband would be shocked if I did as would my kids. We've spent the last 15 Christmases at home just because it means a lot to my MIL. Every time we think it might be her last one, she is mid 90s. We would much prefer going away somewhere warm. We do it for her, and I wouldn't change a thing because it means so much to her and we will have plenty of other Xmases to spend as we want.

Cameras and air tags on shoe laces and bags. They mask dementia very well and its only when out of their normal environment do they show it so I could see why she's uncomfortable at your home.

Maybe post in the elderly forum where you will get loads of good advice.

I would say for him to go down on boxing day and spend christmas day with you,

So what happens on other days that aren't Christmas? Why is this only a Christmas day problem? She is an old lady, my mil is 92, we would never dream of not seeing her at Christmas, each one may be the last. Your son needs to realise that Christmas comes in all shapes and sizes. Christmas day is on a Friday this year, you will have a whole weekend to do Christmas. Or, does this happen every day.

Why is Christmas Day different from any other day? Presumably your DH isn't driving over there every day to check on her?

And I agree with other posters - children come before elderly parents, within reason. And you can't use the argument it might be their last one, it might be any of our last ones. Just because someone is elderly doesn't mean they'll die next year - they could live another ten years (assuming they are not already 112).

Why is the MIL more important than the son or the OP's parents?

And maybe the MIL moved away from the son, not the other way round.

Edited: I see my mum every Christmas (and Easter) and would also like to do something else occasionally. But the difference is my son is now a young adult and the in-laws have died. And it was me who moved away from her.