MIL Christmas dilemma – AIBU to not want DH spending most of Christmas Day driving?

[Foxy200]

I’m really struggling with this and could do with some outside opinions.
MIL is in her 80s, lives about two hours away, doesn’t drive and has been on her own since FIL died 15 years ago. DH is an only child, so realistically we are the only family she has at Christmas.
She is extremely introverted and has always found staying anywhere other than her own home very difficult. She doesn’t particularly like coming to ours and can only really cope with being around people for a couple of hours.
Historically, when she comes for Christmas, she wants DH to collect her late on Christmas Eve and take her home first thing on Boxing Day. With the driving there and back twice, DH ends up spending about five hours of Christmas on the road.
This year my parents are coming to us. MIL has never spent Christmas with us when they are here. There’s no falling out and she doesn’t dislike them — she just finds having other people around very difficult — so I strongly suspect she will decide to stay at home.
Normally I would think that was entirely her choice.
The complication is that when she has stayed at home in previous years, she sometimes hasn’t answered the phone all day and has even unplugged it. DH then becomes so worried that he drives two hours there to check she is OK and two hours back. On the occasions this has happened, she has been absolutely fine.
However, this year we are also concerned that she may be developing dementia and are waiting for an assessment. She is increasingly forgetful and there have been occasions when she hasn’t remembered who we are. So I completely understand why DH is worried about leaving her alone.
DH is now suggesting that if she won't come to us, he drives up on Christmas Day, spends a couple of hours with her and drives home. Realistically he could be gone for six or seven hours.
And this is where I’m struggling.
I don't want to be horrible about an elderly woman potentially developing dementia, and if this were my mum I know I would be worried too. But I also don't think the answer can be that DH spends a huge chunk of every Christmas driving around the country.
She is invited to ours. We genuinely want her to come and would make her welcome. She could have a quiet room to retreat to and wouldn't be expected to sit socialising all day. But if she decides she would rather stay at home, should DH then miss most of Christmas Day to go to her?
The other thing I'm struggling with is that even if DH agrees not to go, I'm not sure how any of us actually enjoy Christmas.
My parents will be here, but if MIL is at home alone and not answering the phone, DH will spend the day worrying about whether she's OK. I'll know he's worrying and I'll feel guilty trying to enjoy myself with my parents while he's anxious about his mum. We'll potentially spend Christmas Day waiting to see whether she answers the phone and wondering whether DH is going to end up getting in the car anyway.
So it feels as though whatever we do, Christmas ends up revolving around MIL.
There is also some history that probably affects how I feel about this. DH had a very difficult childhood and left home at 16. From 16 until he met me at 29, MIL essentially left him to spend Christmases without her. I have to admit I find it hard not to feel some resentment that our family Christmases now revolve around making sure she isn't alone when she didn't seem to have the same concern about him when he was young.
At the same time, she's his mum. She's elderly, she's alone and she may have dementia. I absolutely don't want DH sitting at home worrying that something has happened to her, or feeling terrible if he doesn't go. And if this were my own mum, I suspect I'd feel exactly as he does.
We also have an 11-year-old son, and I feel quite sad at the thought of his dad disappearing for most of Christmas Day. There aren't that many childhood Christmases left.
I'm starting to think the real issue is that we need some way of knowing MIL is safe without DH having to drive four hours every time she doesn't answer her phone. If she is becoming unsafe to be left alone, then obviously this is much bigger than Christmas and we need a proper plan for her care.
But in the meantime I don't know what the answer is.
If she comes to us, she will be unhappy because my parents are here and she finds being around people overwhelming.
If she stays at home, DH will worry about her.
If DH goes to see her, he misses most of Christmas with us and our son.
And if he stays home but spends the whole day worrying about her, I'm not sure any of us will enjoy Christmas anyway.
AIBU to feel that we can't keep doing this every Christmas? And what would you actually do in our situation?

Well said . Alot of advice on Mumsnet is adice poarers probably wouldn't take themawlvea in similar positions. It's easy from the outside with no emotional involvement to judge . Real life is much more nuanced than some posters appreciate .

I would be honest and tell her the situation - there will be more people in the house and would she like to be there for all of that or would she prefer to do something after your parents go home to celebrate. Give her the itinerary- tell her when she could be picked and when she could taken home.

I have/had two inlaws with dementia. MIL has recently passed. Awful disease.

My husband has said that it was not for them (all the running around, moving them etc) it was for his conscience so that he knows that he did everything he could. He's an awesome human being. Better than me

It all sounds very difficult, and others have offered many views and solutions. I just wanted to say your post was refreshing in terms of how it attempted to understand others' feelings and not turn it into a husband vs wife or MiL vs wife, but actually recognise that everyone's a human here trying to do their best. Although I confess to feeling some frustration with her.

Realistically if your MIL is in her 80s with possible dementia then she may not be around for many more Christmases. Be generous and encourage your husband to see his elderly mum . Your son will be fine if you explain the situation. It's one day of the year after all. People put too much store into Xmas in my opinion .

I think he should go up Christmas Eve, even the day before that and spend a few days sorting her out etc. then come home for Christmas Day, or she comes to you and leaves Christmas Eve.
i think people can get a bit hyper fixated on the day itself having to be that day, my mum always worked on Christmas Day, it’s fine. Divorced people move their Christmas Day.
MIL had to spend one of her last Christmas days alone as BIL double booked himself and we were had visitors so she wouldn’t come. DH was in a panic but she was fine. She had visitors Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. She said it was fine as there were things to watch on the tv.

I'd suggest that the three of you go to visit her on Boxing Day, and bring some food for a nice Christmas lunch. Although that depends on when your parents are staying until.

Perhaps install a secret camera in her house and only look on Christmas Day just to be sure everything is okay.

It sounds stressful but it could turn out to be your husband’s last proper Christmas with his mum. I would support him in how he wants to manage it, as long as you get to see your family and your kids which it sounds like you do?

TBH - and especially if she’s starting to get dementia - it’s just another day. Even in the early stages, once she started with dementia, my mother couldnt be bothered with Christmas at all, and soon afterwards any fuss or change of routine really bothered her. She wasn’t even interested in opening her presents!

I’ve not read everything, but didn’t want to read and run

Can Your DH go there Christmas Eve and come back Christmas Day by say 10 am?

you're not unreasonable at all for your feelings but I think I would let it go with my husband given that his mother is elderly, likely has dementia and his father is already dead. realistically he may only have a few years left with her so I'd just let him do what he needs to do and focus on the happiness with my parents and son whilst he's gone.

Is she actually safe to be in her house on her own at any time? If you are living so far away from her, what sort of help are you giving/offering/being asked for on a day-to-day basis? Is this perhaps a time to consider moving her somewhere closer to you (if your DH wants to take on that responsibility)? Since she doesn't cope well when there are others around, she's unlikely to want to move into a care home, but her care needs are going to only increase. Should you as a couple perhaps be thinking about the wider longer term and not just how to deal with this Christmas?

It's just another day but to your 11 year it may not be. Both of you need to focus on the child on that particular day but your DH needs to plan to support MIL longer term.

I can’t understand all these takes saying the MIL is manipulative. It sounds like she doesn’t want to see him and he is obsessed with making her either come to his house, answer the phone, or have him visit her. Everything the OP has said points to the fact that she wants to be alone, and that her son can’t cope with that.
Some people want to be alone. Not to make a drama and have people fawn, just…. to be alone. And a woman who removed herself from Christmas for over 10 years previously sounds like someone who genuinely wants to be alone!

I love how some posters just think it is as easy with elderly care as saying "do this, do that" and it's all sorted. It just isn't like that. You aren't dealing with a difficult toddler, you're dealing with a vulnerable adult in her own home. I

I don't have any solutions for you and get why you feel resentful. Would you husband really be present and enjoy Christmas Day if he is worrying about his mum, probably not? What is in your power is how you spend Christmas so if I was you, I'd leave your husband to manage his mum in whatever way he feels is right for him and I'd crack on and make the best of a really good Christmas with whoever is there, with or without your MIL or husband. None of this is easy and the back story makes it doubly difficult.

I wonder if she turns the phone off not because she is being manipulative, but that she doesn’t like it. Or dislikes talking to people or being disturbed by it.

Not knowing who you are sounds as though dementia has set in. She may well need carers to visit.

Some people will find Christmas overwhelming. Dementia or not. And yes, some people are just introverted.

Why is Christmas different from any other day? She is ok on her own the rest of the year.

I think you need to reframe it as this.

She is likely turning her phone off at Christmas, as she is annoyed, fine, leave her be lol. Your MIL may have dementia, but it doesn't mean she is in the advanced stages or that she can't make her own choices regarding where she wants to stay for Christmas.

Exactly this. It is very manipulative indeed.

I agree with PP who have said this is not just about Christmas. My granddad had altzheimers and so my experience of that was him gradually worsening over the course of about 10 years before he died so I thought that was how things went. My mum was driving in September, not answering the phone in October, in hospital in November and died in December. Completely different progression and I was totally unprepared for how fast it could happen (although, with hindsight, there had been signs beforehand and there was other stuff going on).

I think you have bigger problems than worrying about Christmas Day if she's already not recognising you sometimes. Worry about that closer to the time. Turning the phone off can be a sign that she doesn't want to have conversations because she realises that she can't follow them properly and if you're a fair distance away and don't see her that often then she'll be more easily covering up the lapses in her cognition. She's extremely likely to say that everything's fine when it's really not. It's good that you've got the assessment in the pipeline. If you can, it might be a good idea to spend a chunk of time with her before that to see if you spot anything too.

It’s like those association games psychologists are supposed to play.
For some women , say MIL, they’ll reply manipulative! 😆
It’s so inappropriate to this situation, it’s just ridiculous!’

Combined with not recognising family members sometimes, turning the phone off seems quite worrying to me, not manipulative.

I think your DH has to rethink his attitude about Christmas. Does he call her every day on normal days? Would he drop everything and drive over if she didn’t answer on normal days? I assume not, so why on Christmas? Your son is 11, peak Christmas age. Christmas is about children. Try to get her to come to you but if she won’t, I would not in anyway tolerate having your family’s Christmas ruined by your husband running around after her