MIL Christmas dilemma – AIBU to not want DH spending most of Christmas Day driving?

[Foxy200]

I’m really struggling with this and could do with some outside opinions.
MIL is in her 80s, lives about two hours away, doesn’t drive and has been on her own since FIL died 15 years ago. DH is an only child, so realistically we are the only family she has at Christmas.
She is extremely introverted and has always found staying anywhere other than her own home very difficult. She doesn’t particularly like coming to ours and can only really cope with being around people for a couple of hours.
Historically, when she comes for Christmas, she wants DH to collect her late on Christmas Eve and take her home first thing on Boxing Day. With the driving there and back twice, DH ends up spending about five hours of Christmas on the road.
This year my parents are coming to us. MIL has never spent Christmas with us when they are here. There’s no falling out and she doesn’t dislike them — she just finds having other people around very difficult — so I strongly suspect she will decide to stay at home.
Normally I would think that was entirely her choice.
The complication is that when she has stayed at home in previous years, she sometimes hasn’t answered the phone all day and has even unplugged it. DH then becomes so worried that he drives two hours there to check she is OK and two hours back. On the occasions this has happened, she has been absolutely fine.
However, this year we are also concerned that she may be developing dementia and are waiting for an assessment. She is increasingly forgetful and there have been occasions when she hasn’t remembered who we are. So I completely understand why DH is worried about leaving her alone.
DH is now suggesting that if she won't come to us, he drives up on Christmas Day, spends a couple of hours with her and drives home. Realistically he could be gone for six or seven hours.
And this is where I’m struggling.
I don't want to be horrible about an elderly woman potentially developing dementia, and if this were my mum I know I would be worried too. But I also don't think the answer can be that DH spends a huge chunk of every Christmas driving around the country.
She is invited to ours. We genuinely want her to come and would make her welcome. She could have a quiet room to retreat to and wouldn't be expected to sit socialising all day. But if she decides she would rather stay at home, should DH then miss most of Christmas Day to go to her?
The other thing I'm struggling with is that even if DH agrees not to go, I'm not sure how any of us actually enjoy Christmas.
My parents will be here, but if MIL is at home alone and not answering the phone, DH will spend the day worrying about whether she's OK. I'll know he's worrying and I'll feel guilty trying to enjoy myself with my parents while he's anxious about his mum. We'll potentially spend Christmas Day waiting to see whether she answers the phone and wondering whether DH is going to end up getting in the car anyway.
So it feels as though whatever we do, Christmas ends up revolving around MIL.
There is also some history that probably affects how I feel about this. DH had a very difficult childhood and left home at 16. From 16 until he met me at 29, MIL essentially left him to spend Christmases without her. I have to admit I find it hard not to feel some resentment that our family Christmases now revolve around making sure she isn't alone when she didn't seem to have the same concern about him when he was young.
At the same time, she's his mum. She's elderly, she's alone and she may have dementia. I absolutely don't want DH sitting at home worrying that something has happened to her, or feeling terrible if he doesn't go. And if this were my own mum, I suspect I'd feel exactly as he does.
We also have an 11-year-old son, and I feel quite sad at the thought of his dad disappearing for most of Christmas Day. There aren't that many childhood Christmases left.
I'm starting to think the real issue is that we need some way of knowing MIL is safe without DH having to drive four hours every time she doesn't answer her phone. If she is becoming unsafe to be left alone, then obviously this is much bigger than Christmas and we need a proper plan for her care.
But in the meantime I don't know what the answer is.
If she comes to us, she will be unhappy because my parents are here and she finds being around people overwhelming.
If she stays at home, DH will worry about her.
If DH goes to see her, he misses most of Christmas with us and our son.
And if he stays home but spends the whole day worrying about her, I'm not sure any of us will enjoy Christmas anyway.
AIBU to feel that we can't keep doing this every Christmas? And what would you actually do in our situation?

Could you organise someone local to his mum to call in for an hour and check on her? Maybe a one off carer visit so you pay (but cheaper/easier than all the driving). Even if she didn't let them in the house it would be a welfare check that she is ok.

I'd rather pay for a very very expensive Christmas taxi than have my husband missing most of Christmas day.

You could install a small camera to observe MIL during Xmas day if she does not come to yours.......
Many families do this in care homes etc
Just a suggestion before I get shot down in flames !!!!!!

Yes, I was wondering the same. If she's on her own, day to day, why is Christmas day that different?

Very difficult situation especially if dementia is present, I would be more concerned about the future care MIL might need rather than Christmas tbh this could prove difficult to manage from a distance. Good luck.

If it has come about very suddenly then it may also worsen quite fast. Plans you make now might be overtaken by events. It is a horrible situation for all of you to support her especially where she is not keen to accept the things that might be useful for her safety.
You might need to hold off making any final decisions till nearer the time.

What has your mil said about Christmas? Would she expect your husband to go and visit her?
I think as you’ve said you can allocate her a quiet space in your house, she’d be quite unreasonable to expect other people to bend over backwards for her if that’s her stance. Having said that, she might be perfectly happy on her own!
I think this goes deeper than Christmas Day. If you’re starting to become concerned with her behaviour then at the very least, she needs carers going in each day. Or a care home/assisted living. Or she moves closer to you maybe?

I agree with the camera idea.

Personally, with the dementia issue thrown in, your dh’s obvious concerns I would prioritise MIL on Christmas Day and have your family for a bigger Boxing Day after mil is settled back home.

but that’s me, I don’t focus on the date too much and due to circumstances we have a bigger Boxing Day than Christmas Day some years too and it is no less special, if anything it is more relaxed and less pressured.

I can’t believe the number of people saying Christmas Day is no different from any other day. They are ignoring the fact that this is DHs Mum and he wants to include her in Christmas for himself as well as her.
So many posters see her simply as a nuisance.I suppose they are expecting to be treated like that themselves when they become frail?
As for what happened when DH was younger. An awful lot of assumptions are being made. We don’t know the details.
Not a lot of Christmas spirit on show from some.

Oh op.. I feel for you.
First of a all I can sympathise as had the same with manipulative FIL... The dementia made him worse. Similar thing to you but you must put plans in place now. One xmas demanded my husband drive 4 hours round trip (so 8 hours total) to collect him, eat lunch at ours and take him home or "how was he to get lunch".. He had moved 2 hours away to be with his daughter. Pointed this out and offered one trip to ours and he could taxi home (has plenty of money). He rejected this. So I joined his local Facebook group, asked about local services and a church group offered to deliver a xmas meal to him.
I visited his neighbours and gave them my phone number (and they gave me theirs). On occasion he has misplaced phone handset so I texted a neighbour who popped in, located it and reassured me.
THIS WILL ONLY GET WORSE.. YOU NEED TO SORT SOMETHING OUT NOW. is your husband on the GP record as a consent to share and next of kin? On the hospital records? Have you checked the memory clinic haven't been in touch? We found FIL had declined at appt so had to go to back of queue again. We got the memory clinic to call us with next appointment and got them there.
Set power of attorney up immediately before she loses capacity
This is more than xmas

This thread is going round in circles .
the mil is in her 80s not 80
she is vunerable

the gp has put her forward for a dementia assessments and ( shes suffering from not recognising her family members - they take weeks )
carers cost an absolute bomb both state and private - eye watering costs - the state does as little as possible to step until usually disaster
dementia is quite a paradox - it destroys whole families and is complex .
cameras and assisted living aids only do so much up to mid stage dementia- if you be met a person with dementia - you’ve met one person with dementia . They can mask and many people think they are fine especially in the early stages when they meet them but things can be seriously wrong . I had a ( useless) social worker suggest that if I laid out a kettle and left out the tea things she would cope and my mum agreed yes yes she’d be fine & eveyone was making a stupid fuss but but by that stage she would not have the executive functioning of even a 5 year old to make a cup of tea in the order you need to do it you see ? It would be a shit show

take the whole scenario and swap out the word dementia for “ cancer “ . Yup and you get help and support for that . And you still have to deal with your emotions and Resentment as well .

A camera?? To replace human connection? Like she's a dog in daycare?

this. I get why he might feel that christmas is somhow different but for practical purposes its not. Although having said that, he is a grown up and you can't realistically do anything to stop him unless you want to end the marriage over it and even that isn't guaranteed to work. (and I am not suggesting it as a good idea)

Surely they could do Boxing Day with the MIL
instead. She has never prioritised Christmas anyway.

Does she normally unplug the phone, or is that just saved to manipulate your DH on christmas day? Pay for someone to check in on her on christmas day.

If I’m reading g this correctly, you have spent most Christmas days with your husband and his mother. His mother will decide not to come this year because your parents will be there. I think he should be with you and your parents this year, as you have been for him. She clearly has form for manipulation so your husband needs to decide whether to allow this to affect him or not. He already knows she won’t pick up. I know you
mentioned dementia but this is not new behaviour. Alternatively put her in a B&B, as others have suggested.

Could he go up on Christmas Eve, wake up at MIL's house, have a nice breakfast, then leave in time to be home for lunch with you? That way you still get him for half the day and it's less worry and driving for him.

I totally understand your frustration and upset, but I think you have to find a compromise that allows your husband to feel ok about how he's handling it.

Hmmm. I think his son trumps his mother tbh. Especially given the history. However, he needs to see that, and if he’s going to be worried the whole day I can see why it might be better if he just goes. Sounds far better if you can just persuade her to stay with you. Work on that option.
The dementia thing is a much bigger worry. Particularly if she’s already forgetting who you are on occasion. Hopefully you have POA and can make decisions on her behalf? If not yet, get that sorted asap.

I love the advice upthread about getting an Air BnB if that is possible for you but otherwise I would say that there are worse things than being apart for most of Christmas day.

For 12 years our family Christmas revolved around an elderly relative including collection and return (over an hour's trip each way). She deteriorated very quickly so one Christmas I went with my parents and two of our daughters to spend the afternoon with her leaving my husband and the rest of the family to their own devices. That was our last Christmas with her and I am so glad we made the effort. That year everyone had their favourite food for lunch - my dad was thrilled with his can of macaroni cheese! - and we had our Christmas Dinner on Boxing Day.

)

I think this needs a bit of long term looking at, the Christmas thing is almost irrelevant.
i think both options sound reasonable. If husband wants to see her on Xmas day it could be done, if she is safe and not really aware of Christmas Day and just wants to stay at home it would be just as good to see her another day.

You've already started looking at this which is good but you have a MIL 2 hours away with initial symptoms of cognitive impairment and a son that needs you and dh presence at home as well.

You can give Age UK a call and make sure she is getting attendance allowance if not already (they can help to apply or you can download the form from the DWP website). You can use that to arrange 1-2 care calls/week, whatever she might accept.
if not carers, would she accept a hairdresser/cleaner/gardener (carer)
or Alzheimer’s society have good dementia companions who take people out or chat with them at home if she prefers this.

I’d consider getting her closer to you if you can. Would she consider moving to a sheltered flat or accessible flat? Even better if a warden or staff on site as that shares the burden of checking on her if there are concerns about her just falling to dh.

what are the actual risks when she is at home? Cooking unsafely? Wandering outside the home? Falling on stairs? It could help to call the council and ask for advice about tech or ideas that can help her be more safe at home.

That’s a good start. It could be a long slow journey of managing this disease so do what is right and manageable for you and the family, and only you will know this.

i hope you have a nice Christmas time whatever you choose to do this year.

DH spends Xmas day at home, you all go to his mum’s on Boxing Day? Take leftovers and have a buffet lunch?

If your husband’s mother is developing dementia then this is the least of your worries. Christmas is just a day with a fancy family meal.

What do your mum and dad think? They have each other, but the person potentially being left alone here is your MIL. I would have thought a better solution would be your MIL coming to you (or you going to her if she prefers that for a dialled down celebration) and then see your parents either before or after. Where do they live? They could come over on Boxing Day and you could have Christmas at yours. Personally, I think the way your DH is taking his mum into consideration says a lot about him and makes him an excellent role model for your son.

I haven’t read the full thread, but this seems to be an issue entirely of your husband’s doing. I’m not unsympathetic to why - we all find it hard to imagine someone we love spending Christmas alone. But a few thoughts:

1. if she’s alone most of the time, why is he more worried about her on Friday the 25th of December?
2. it sounds like she has been letting him know for quite a few years that she wants to spend Christmas alone. She left him at Christmas between the ages of 16 and 29. She wants to be alone now.

You feel resentful that your Christmas is now revolving around your mother in law but it’s not - it’s actually revolving around your husband’s inability to manage his feelings about his mother. He is the one insisting he travels to her, speaks to her on the phone when she’s gone as fast as to UNPLUG the phone to avoid speaking to anyone. As uncomfortable as it is - can he not respect her clear wishes? And if it’s about dementia, I take it he calls her every single day and if she doesn’t reply, travels to go and check she’s ok? Even on work days?

I think he needs to work through this with a therapist.