MIL Christmas dilemma – AIBU to not want DH spending most of Christmas Day driving?

[Foxy200]

I’m really struggling with this and could do with some outside opinions.
MIL is in her 80s, lives about two hours away, doesn’t drive and has been on her own since FIL died 15 years ago. DH is an only child, so realistically we are the only family she has at Christmas.
She is extremely introverted and has always found staying anywhere other than her own home very difficult. She doesn’t particularly like coming to ours and can only really cope with being around people for a couple of hours.
Historically, when she comes for Christmas, she wants DH to collect her late on Christmas Eve and take her home first thing on Boxing Day. With the driving there and back twice, DH ends up spending about five hours of Christmas on the road.
This year my parents are coming to us. MIL has never spent Christmas with us when they are here. There’s no falling out and she doesn’t dislike them — she just finds having other people around very difficult — so I strongly suspect she will decide to stay at home.
Normally I would think that was entirely her choice.
The complication is that when she has stayed at home in previous years, she sometimes hasn’t answered the phone all day and has even unplugged it. DH then becomes so worried that he drives two hours there to check she is OK and two hours back. On the occasions this has happened, she has been absolutely fine.
However, this year we are also concerned that she may be developing dementia and are waiting for an assessment. She is increasingly forgetful and there have been occasions when she hasn’t remembered who we are. So I completely understand why DH is worried about leaving her alone.
DH is now suggesting that if she won't come to us, he drives up on Christmas Day, spends a couple of hours with her and drives home. Realistically he could be gone for six or seven hours.
And this is where I’m struggling.
I don't want to be horrible about an elderly woman potentially developing dementia, and if this were my mum I know I would be worried too. But I also don't think the answer can be that DH spends a huge chunk of every Christmas driving around the country.
She is invited to ours. We genuinely want her to come and would make her welcome. She could have a quiet room to retreat to and wouldn't be expected to sit socialising all day. But if she decides she would rather stay at home, should DH then miss most of Christmas Day to go to her?
The other thing I'm struggling with is that even if DH agrees not to go, I'm not sure how any of us actually enjoy Christmas.
My parents will be here, but if MIL is at home alone and not answering the phone, DH will spend the day worrying about whether she's OK. I'll know he's worrying and I'll feel guilty trying to enjoy myself with my parents while he's anxious about his mum. We'll potentially spend Christmas Day waiting to see whether she answers the phone and wondering whether DH is going to end up getting in the car anyway.
So it feels as though whatever we do, Christmas ends up revolving around MIL.
There is also some history that probably affects how I feel about this. DH had a very difficult childhood and left home at 16. From 16 until he met me at 29, MIL essentially left him to spend Christmases without her. I have to admit I find it hard not to feel some resentment that our family Christmases now revolve around making sure she isn't alone when she didn't seem to have the same concern about him when he was young.
At the same time, she's his mum. She's elderly, she's alone and she may have dementia. I absolutely don't want DH sitting at home worrying that something has happened to her, or feeling terrible if he doesn't go. And if this were my own mum, I suspect I'd feel exactly as he does.
We also have an 11-year-old son, and I feel quite sad at the thought of his dad disappearing for most of Christmas Day. There aren't that many childhood Christmases left.
I'm starting to think the real issue is that we need some way of knowing MIL is safe without DH having to drive four hours every time she doesn't answer her phone. If she is becoming unsafe to be left alone, then obviously this is much bigger than Christmas and we need a proper plan for her care.
But in the meantime I don't know what the answer is.
If she comes to us, she will be unhappy because my parents are here and she finds being around people overwhelming.
If she stays at home, DH will worry about her.
If DH goes to see her, he misses most of Christmas with us and our son.
And if he stays home but spends the whole day worrying about her, I'm not sure any of us will enjoy Christmas anyway.
AIBU to feel that we can't keep doing this every Christmas? And what would you actually do in our situation?

Christmas is only one day. How often does he see her at the moment? Because unless he is seeing her every day or most days then there must be times he doesn’t know for sure she’s safe or what she’s doing and doesn’t make a four hour round trip to see her - what makes Christmas Day any different? Does she answer her phone at other times? Because that feels vaguely manipulative to me.
Could she come to you another day eg Boxing Day, if she finds it difficult to spend a long time with your parents?
First you need to know if she is definitely not planning on coming. I think it’s fine to push her for a definitive answer so you can make plans, not an ‘I’ll see how I feel’ type response. If she doesn’t come, agree on a different day. And on Christmas Day itself, maybe agree with her a set time for a phone call from DH. And then if she doesn’t answer I think DH kinda just has to be ok with that? I would be reluctant to feed into what feels to me to be manipulation. As I said, it’s no different from other days he doesn’t see or hear from her. Does she have any neighbours DH could ask to check on her?
Obviously her general wellbeing and future is a much bigger conversation. If she has times she doesn’t remember you I’d suggest her dementia is advancing quite quickly.

What happens every other day of the year?

She lives alone the rest of the year and copes (onset Dementia aside) so why would Christmas Day be any different?
He needs to put his 11 year old child first.
He can go and see his mother on boxing day.
If she's forgotten you she might even forget it is Christmas.

Or to put it another way, your 80 year old mother in law isn't allowed to have Christmas day in her own home with her phone off without you accusing her of spoiling your Christmas and making everything revolve around her?
If you don't want your husband driving then that's a you and him argument. Nothing to do with his mother who is just doing her thing.
On a practical level, surely he can agree a time when she'll switch her phone on so they can speak? What happens every other day of the year when he wants reassurance she's OK?

She’s waiting for assessment for dementia - agreeing a time for a phone call on Xmas day - that boat has sailed ! My mum would ring me at 2am asking me why I wasn’t there to pick her up for the hairdressers prior to diagnosis . After diagnosis we recorded bewildered and angry calls at all hours over six months before we could get anyone to help us . Are posters actually reading the op and the thread ? If you’ve not had experience of dementia directly then really some of the well meant suggestions and solutions are just not viable .

My mum went from the first few signs of dementia to being almost out of it completely in one year. This might be the last bit of time he has with her when he can actually talk to her. My mom is still alive but you can’t have any kind of conversation with her.

You sound utterly devoid of any compassion or empathy whatsoever

Why is the MIL more important than the son or the OP's parents?
Because she's alone. Because she's old. Because she's vulnerable.

We are not saying OPs son has to bypass Christmas all together, that's ridiculous. He just has to accept his dad not being there for 6 hours on the day.

Something is wrong is an 11 years can't understand his dad wanting to bring a bit of happiness to his mum in a special day.

All those saying kids should have it all perfect because their wants are more important than anyone else, can't you see you are brining up kids who will think just the same as adults and they won't give a shit about you when you'll need them yourself. Because that time will come, and you'll be birthing yourself for it.

I agree. If she has dementia, then she has it 365/6 days a year and whether it's Christmas or not, he is going to worry about her unless there is proper home support set up.

I think the time has come for her (as it comes to all of us who have the privilege of growing old) that she can no longer call the shots. Stubborn or not, as we age, we have to accept that there are times that what we want is no longer compatible with the lives our loved ones lead. There is no easy, gentle way of saying this to our older family members, but in my view (as an old person), your husband needs to be straight with his mother and tell her what he needs from her. If she refuses to comply, that's on her.

incidentally, I think conversations about situations like this should be had with our loved ones when we (the elders) have our health and strength - and maybe the ability to reason 😊

This is what I took from it aswell.
Can't you just let on your parents aren't coming. If she has another room to go to, I can't see the issue

I’d explain that the only options are coming to yours, or being on her own. Just because she abandoned him in his childhood, doesn’t mean he can neglect his 11 year old child at Christmas.

I’d suggest counselling if his ties to his mother are going to jeopardise the success/happiness of his family unit. His loyalty should be to you and the child you’ve had.

Also, I’d point out that it’s manipulative to unplug the phone to get him up there by stealth. She needs boundaries putting in place. If he won’t do it, you may need to call her and tell her the new rules.

Is anyone else finding this thread incredibly upsetting? All these horrible words, fling at an elderly woman whose dementia is so severe she can't recognise her own family......

I lost my dad to dementia earlier this year, and the idea that so many people would apparently have seen him as a manipulative nuisance is just terrifying.

Do those posters have no empathy for how terrifying it must be to lose your memory so that you can't recognise your own family?

I'm assuming those saying tell her the options and or not telling her that your parents are going to be there have not dealt with people in the throes of dementia. Bringing her, to what now may be a strange place to her, filled with strangers (to her) might go horribly wrong

she is manipulating your husband. i think it is reasonable to come to you especially if you offer her a quiet space. you would think she would like to see her grandchild.
i agree if your husband does not go to check on her he will be worrying but it is a shame to keep disrupting the day for you and your child.
is there not a neighbour who could check and ring to let you know she is ok? unplugging the phone is playing games
it really depends what your husbands wants to do you need to have a quiet calm chat with him

No.

She's manipulative. Because if you innocently want to be left alone, all it takes is a text or to answer a 30 second phonecall and say "Merry Christmas, I'm fine, hope the kids are having a lovely day, speak soon."

But no. This woman (and not just this year, so it's not the dementia) deliberately refuses to answer and rather than a 5 seconds text, goes to the further effort of unplugging phones knowing it will guilt her own son into rushing round there, for 4hr round trip, on Christmas Day. No doubt she'd have a "funny turn" and then that could be all DHs fault for abandoning his poor mother, ok Christmas Day, no less.

If she wants company, you've invited her. This bullshit stunt of saying she'll stay at home then acting up to get her son to come running, is not on for your children. It's their day. And dad's not there.

Yeh - everyone says that . I won’t do it do my children . I won’t be a burden I will go to Switzerland yada yada . Put something in my tea - you won’t . You’ll be just as stubborn and independent . And so will I

It’s like being boiled like a frog very slowly . Search my earlier post - I wept in front of my 83 year old mum with the GP - she was deemed to have capacity the bar is incredibly high .

She maintained she was absolutely fine and she would get a job or go and live somewhere else . She was 83 and maintained the circus people had been round and she’d made a buffet for them . dementia is not kind old ladies forgetting their keys or turn the hob off . It’s ringing people in the night , leaving the house , being convinced people are stealing from you or your husband has been replaced by an imposter