MIL Christmas dilemma – AIBU to not want DH spending most of Christmas Day driving?

[Foxy200]

I’m really struggling with this and could do with some outside opinions.
MIL is in her 80s, lives about two hours away, doesn’t drive and has been on her own since FIL died 15 years ago. DH is an only child, so realistically we are the only family she has at Christmas.
She is extremely introverted and has always found staying anywhere other than her own home very difficult. She doesn’t particularly like coming to ours and can only really cope with being around people for a couple of hours.
Historically, when she comes for Christmas, she wants DH to collect her late on Christmas Eve and take her home first thing on Boxing Day. With the driving there and back twice, DH ends up spending about five hours of Christmas on the road.
This year my parents are coming to us. MIL has never spent Christmas with us when they are here. There’s no falling out and she doesn’t dislike them — she just finds having other people around very difficult — so I strongly suspect she will decide to stay at home.
Normally I would think that was entirely her choice.
The complication is that when she has stayed at home in previous years, she sometimes hasn’t answered the phone all day and has even unplugged it. DH then becomes so worried that he drives two hours there to check she is OK and two hours back. On the occasions this has happened, she has been absolutely fine.
However, this year we are also concerned that she may be developing dementia and are waiting for an assessment. She is increasingly forgetful and there have been occasions when she hasn’t remembered who we are. So I completely understand why DH is worried about leaving her alone.
DH is now suggesting that if she won't come to us, he drives up on Christmas Day, spends a couple of hours with her and drives home. Realistically he could be gone for six or seven hours.
And this is where I’m struggling.
I don't want to be horrible about an elderly woman potentially developing dementia, and if this were my mum I know I would be worried too. But I also don't think the answer can be that DH spends a huge chunk of every Christmas driving around the country.
She is invited to ours. We genuinely want her to come and would make her welcome. She could have a quiet room to retreat to and wouldn't be expected to sit socialising all day. But if she decides she would rather stay at home, should DH then miss most of Christmas Day to go to her?
The other thing I'm struggling with is that even if DH agrees not to go, I'm not sure how any of us actually enjoy Christmas.
My parents will be here, but if MIL is at home alone and not answering the phone, DH will spend the day worrying about whether she's OK. I'll know he's worrying and I'll feel guilty trying to enjoy myself with my parents while he's anxious about his mum. We'll potentially spend Christmas Day waiting to see whether she answers the phone and wondering whether DH is going to end up getting in the car anyway.
So it feels as though whatever we do, Christmas ends up revolving around MIL.
There is also some history that probably affects how I feel about this. DH had a very difficult childhood and left home at 16. From 16 until he met me at 29, MIL essentially left him to spend Christmases without her. I have to admit I find it hard not to feel some resentment that our family Christmases now revolve around making sure she isn't alone when she didn't seem to have the same concern about him when he was young.
At the same time, she's his mum. She's elderly, she's alone and she may have dementia. I absolutely don't want DH sitting at home worrying that something has happened to her, or feeling terrible if he doesn't go. And if this were my own mum, I suspect I'd feel exactly as he does.
We also have an 11-year-old son, and I feel quite sad at the thought of his dad disappearing for most of Christmas Day. There aren't that many childhood Christmases left.
I'm starting to think the real issue is that we need some way of knowing MIL is safe without DH having to drive four hours every time she doesn't answer her phone. If she is becoming unsafe to be left alone, then obviously this is much bigger than Christmas and we need a proper plan for her care.
But in the meantime I don't know what the answer is.
If she comes to us, she will be unhappy because my parents are here and she finds being around people overwhelming.
If she stays at home, DH will worry about her.
If DH goes to see her, he misses most of Christmas with us and our son.
And if he stays home but spends the whole day worrying about her, I'm not sure any of us will enjoy Christmas anyway.
AIBU to feel that we can't keep doing this every Christmas? And what would you actually do in our situation?

She could still do the ‘you didn’t call me’ as she might not remember. My DM can say no-one has been to see her when I am on my third visit of the day. Her brain genuinely doesn’t hold the memory of my earlier visits. Or she will talk about visits of other people which will not have happened (and possibly relate to dreams) or people who died years ago

The op has not given a lot of details on the diagnosis or come back on how she coping currently but if it’s requested you are usually mid way if it’s at the don’t know who family members are stage . Again I don’t think you get it - I certainly didn’t at the beginning - I too thought my dm was unreasonable and demanding .

Your husband is recreating the same Christmas-with-absent-parent situation that he encountered, but with his son at a younger age.

None of us can say whether MIL is unplugging the phone through vindictiveness or dementia- does she only do it when things haven’t gone her way?

If she refuses to come to you then there are options .

Your husband could go up on Christmas Eve or the day before, taking a ready-to-cook Christmas dinner for them both, plus presents. She might then be satisfied that she’s already celebrated Christmas.

You could pay for carers to visit- if any issues were to crop up, they would quickly be on the scene.

I am intrigued by this idea of random hit squad carers, prepared to do a visit on the most expensive day of the year without any prior knowledge or meeting with the client, or in fact any confirmation that the client wants them to visit at all.

Assuming this even was possible most services charge double for public holidays so that “drop in” a couple of times could easily cost several hundred pounds. Who pays for that then ?

Unfortunately mid and late stage dementia is impossible to buy your way out of as a carer unless you’re uber rich I guess. Although I do like the idea of the kettle movement responder.

Are you talking to the OP or someone else ?

The OP is tying herself in knots trying to do what is best for everyone.

It is October and round here voluntary, church based and paid for carer providers have been asking if anyone has time, space, provision or need over Christmas.

I cant remember a time post Facebook when this hasn't happened, in town, city or rural places I have lived

Yeh - companions essentially - ladies generally who does a bit of cleaning , makes a cup of tea . Usually a bit of an inroad for someone to accept care or support at the start . We had one way before the diagnosis

. If the person has severe or mid stage dementia - it’s a disaster and they quickly go back to a family and let them know it’s above their pay grade or the elderly person sends them away - been there done that

They ARE not trained dbs carers for people with mid stage dementia who might be sundowning or trying to leave the house to go “ home” or have taken their all medication accidentally or think it’s bedtime at 10am and even then the quality of what you get is ropey in private care.

And then they call you as next of kin to sort out what’s going wrong !!! Over and over and over again .

I think this is callous and gives a bad message to children.
The traditional meaning of Christmas is ‘wecoming the stranger in our midst.’ You don’t need to be a Christian to believe this.
In some E European countries they have a tradition of setting an extra place at table for anyone the family comes across who will be alone at Christmas. Then the family member is expected to say ‘ Please join us. we have a place already laid for you.’
I think it’s a beautiful tradition to remind us that for many people , Christmas is about loneliness and our ability to welcome the lonely if we are lucky enough to have a family.

I wouldn’t be happy about this purely because of your son. It’s important for him to have his dad there and grandma should recognise this. My mum would be mortified if she caused her son to be away from his own kids having turned down an invite. In a year or two DS won’t want to be with you anything like as much. I’d personally tell MIL what the score is - invite her up but if she refuses tell her to keep the phone on and if she doesn’t answer you will send a neighbour round. That should hopefully make her answer. And call her bluff if she doesn’t. I wouldn’t mind popping in to check a neighbour was ok, even on Christmas Day.

Could you put cctv at mil home for peace of mind.

And if they weren’t ? If they were crying for their own long dead mother or telling you someone had been lurking out the back or they need to home or their son was coming in 10 mins to pick them up or they were locked out . Or the circus people had just been and they hadn’t eaten the buffet ( a classic I got called out for ) - What do you do then ? You call the OP

The op has said the mil is vulnerable is awaiting a diagnosis as they no longer recognise them at times . As they have dementia they don’t recognise they are ill . Thats the paradox

Would it be possible to all go out to eat on Christmas Day half way between your house and you MIL, maybe organise a taxi for her and then she won’t be on her own all day. The other idea I had was for her to stay at a hotel near you and then she can leave when she’s had enough. Have you talked to your 11yr old about the situation, just in a casual way? Hope you get it all sorted and have a lovely Christmas no matter what.

Agree with this - it literally is that, just a day. It doesn’t alter the 'at risk/not at risk' fact just because it's Christmas Day. The day before and the day after have just as much potential, surely?. I think it would be a sad old situation without your husband/his son's daddy being there and would mean a lot more to the 11 year old, than to the grandma. Encourage your husband to set off early on Boxing Day - maybe with a couple of plated Christmas dinners if they will travel - and have the day with her then. We worry understandably about our older folk but this seems a good solution.

As discussed further upon the thread a few of us who have been there have already gone through that both these scenarios will not work for someone who has mid stage dementia as well as hosting . The poor op is so upset for trying to do right . So
many people tried to offer me advice when I was going through it all - when you spelt the grind and misery of the mid stages they just shook their heads in disbelief that there is no safety net , no help and the bar for capacity is decision specific . Logic doesn’t work .

Husband an only child as were both of his parents. I've hosted christmas eve since the stone age. Untill the year MiL called to announce there was some snow, so they wouldn't drive and needed to be picked up ánd taken home. The real reason was so my FiL could drink as much as he wanted. Distance about 45 min.drive. I immediately decided this wasn't going to happen. My husband was out collecting orders for dinner, and I didn't want him to take the road 4 times (!) on christmas eve. I arranged for a taxi service to pick them up and bring them here, later to collect them from our place and take them home. Yes, we payed for that. And no, we don 't have any regrets.

Im in a similar boat with my mum. Although mine has refused the memory test so isnt officially diagnosed. The memory clinic called me to let me know, they said its actually very commen for them to refuse and we cant make them at this stage. They told me that dementia patients do not know they have it because of a neurological condition called anosognosia, which damages the part of the brain responsible for self-awareness. Anosognosia (Lack of Insight): Physical damage to the frontal or parietal lobes literally stops the brain from recognizing its own memory loss or mistakes. It is not a choice or a psychological defense mechanism; the person genuinely cannot see the problem. Its such a horrible disease! Like yourself, I also wanted to put up cameras - she refused and I cant put one up sneakily as theres no where to hide it without her seeing - her house is very minimalistic. However a year on shes just agreed to a video door bell but only under the pretence abouy door canvasers and pushy scammers trying their luck under the guise of gardening and roofing etc (one recently knocked on and quoted £360 to trim a bush). At least I can keep tabs on who's coming to her door and when she goes out.

Not answering and Unplugging her phone is very manipulative. I'd say to tell her if she doesn't come to you for Xmas (And Hubby decides when he's bringing her there and taking her home at his convenience....) Then she stays home alone. You're going to have to let the chips fall where they may. Perhaps look into getting some sort of visiting careers.

There's also another option of Hubby visiting her before Xmas eve and Xmas day, maybe the weekend before and do Xmas with her then.

What does she do the rest of the year? Who helps, who checks in daily? It’s DH decision but I’d be pissed off. Go and see her a few days before if you can, do Christmas early then spend actual Christmas at home. Go back down a day or so later with some leftovers etc. Can you arrange carers? Her stubbornness is putting you all in a position and I would resent that.

Pop a few cameras in like we have for my mum. You can check on movement and then you'll know shes fine.

Could she come and stay in an Airbnb or hotel really close to you instead? So she had her own space but you can still see her and know she’s safe?

Is it possible for you all to go to hers for Christmas?

Probably not if she has dementia

It’s up to him what he does. It’s his mum. I’d just leave her to get on with it, if she wants to unplug the phone that’s up to her, I wouldn’t drive up to see her.

But it sounds like she is home alone all the time anyway? So if she does have dementia it must be early stages if she can be alone at home? Admittedly I know nothing about this but thought it might be a good solution