AIBU to express hurt/disappointment over Christmas plans

[user77690]

My son and DIL have a young child. For the first two Christmases of my grandchild’s life, they spent Christmas Day with DIL’s parents. We recently asked what they were planning for Christmas this year and my son told us that, from now on, they want to spend Christmas Day just the three of them. They’re going to see DIL’s family on Boxing Day and have said they’ll see us at some point…

I completely understand them wanting to make their own traditions and I know they’re entitled to spend Christmas however they choose. But I’m really quite hurt.
I think what makes it difficult is that DIL’s parents had the first two Christmas Days with our grandchild. We never had a Christmas Day with them, and now it feels as though the opportunity has disappeared altogether. I suppose I’d always assumed the families might alternate at some point.

I don’t want to guilt-trip them or cause an argument, and I wouldn’t expect them to change their plans just because I’m upset. But would I be unreasonable to tell my son that I feel hurt and disappointed by it? Or is this something I should keep to myself and simply accept?

Keep your feelings to yourself. We have been grandparents for about 10 years now. We have never worried about the other GPs, who are all wonderful, get or have. It is just pointless to concern yourself with it. We just try and be as helpful as we can for both of our children, their spouses and our grandchildren. I think this year we will be on our own on Christmas Day. So be it. We will see everyone at some point.

Or perhaps they learnt it at home, long before their wives got their evil wives taught how not to think for themselves.

Suggest Christmas Eve plans ?

I understand this 💐

Mother of God….this would make a great 1970s sitcom.
Pushy and oblivious MIL outside in the snow at 7am on Christmas morning, and within, we find the appalled little family cowering in the cupboard under the stairs. (Good job we’d no elves in the ‘70s, or things would be hectic in there)

Good grief, is this how OP has been left, in your universe?

No there isn’t a reason for that. Or if there is, it’s not the fault of the DIL.

Good point again.

Did the son grow up watching mummy make all the plans? Mum running the home while dad just worked and then came home and ate dinner. Did he spend equal time with both grandparents?

You get what you raise and they watch how you parent.

It’s why daughters tend to again parent more like their parents and feel more comfortable leaving the children with her parents.

She knows how she was raised she’s happy to tell her parents what she wants and dislikes. Shes heard stories of how he was raised in his eyes. She might not like those stories or feel able or comfortable to tell his parents what to do and/or he just lets her run the schedule like his mum did when he was little.

Since it’s mums who tend to do 9 months leave or become the sahm parent she’s again make more decisions in the first few years while dads like whatever or actively doesn’t want to spend time with his family.

Another bone of contention from Mils often about how it’s not fair she goes to coffee with her mum and the baby but not me and so on.

The clever plan here is not to say a word of complaint.
Whatever you say will be taken as judgement and guilting them and it will change nothing.

Perhaps you can invite them over on Christmas eve and have a Christmas eve box for your grandchild, pyjamas, soft toy, a book, a favourite treat,etc in a little box.
Or ask them to pencil you in for a visit and let you know.

My friends only son married a nice girl who is super close to her parents and sister.
Every single holiday was with them.
She just decided to say nothing because if her son is happy then that's enough for her.

On the 3rd year of this her husband said that he was done with a quiet Christmas and surprised her with a 5* holiday and they really enjoyed it.

So every holiday now they book somewhere gorgeous and really enjoy it. They now cover the whole two week period at Christmas and Easter. They look forward to it and each year the holiday gets longer. They have met a few couples over the past 5 years and it is now something they really look forward to.
This year 3 weeks in a 5* hotel in Tennerife sounds like heaven to me.

Some sons that are easy going are like this.
They come from loving undemanding parents and if their wife is super attached to their family, they insist on going there, and the sons just go along with this.

I have sons and daughters and the above is the model we would follow if they make plans elsewhere.

All this and the OP has disappeared.

I find it extraordinary that some women stereotype other women in this way - as controlling harpies that their husbands are afraid of.

Whatever happened to feminism, huh?

Yes, I noticed that. I wondered whether she thought that her original question (AIBU) was rhetorical, and she thought she was going to get an unmitigated outpouring of sympathy and agreement. And then skedaddled when she realised a significant proportion of MNers thought that no, she wasn't being reasonable in the least.

No. A significant proportion of Mumsnet either didn't read her OP properly, or got sidelined by others posts and started thinking that OP had said something entirely different.

She did NOT complain about her son and family having Christmas Day to themselves. She actually said that she understood them wanting that.
She did NOT blame her DIL. She simply expressed some hurt that her son had not wanted his parents involved in his Christmas for three years running. It's entirely okay to be hurt by that.

She asked whether she should say anything. Most of Mumsnet said no. That's fine. But there was no need to create a whole story around it that wasn't there, which many posters did.

When your son said he’ll see you ‘at some point’, I think the obvious thing to have done would’ve been to have pinned down a date for that ‘some point’, and said you’ll cook a meal and host etc, and then you wouldn’t be feeling quite so hard done by. Staying home, just them, is fair enough I think, and I expect a lot of this preference towards DILs family is down to your son’s likely complacency when it comes to making Christmas plans and, more crucially, actually doing the work to make those plans happen.

eta also! I don’t think you’d be wrong to gently (very gently!) say you’d hoped to have seen them on the day.

She said (and I quote):

"I’m really quite hurt.I think what makes it difficult is that DIL’s parents had the first two Christmas Days with our grandchild. We never had a Christmas Day with them... would I be unreasonable to tell my son that I feel hurt and disappointed by it?"

I'm afraid this does sound like the post of an entitled grandparent who is resentful that DIL spent two Xmases with her parents and none with her ILs.

Also "our grandchild". Such a red flag for a possessive granny.

Theee are so many days over Christmas holidays and so many people get so hung up on that day. Ye can have another day where you have a Christmas type dinner, sit and chat and play.

My nana spent every Christmas day with us until I was in my 30s.
Mum had to make her steak as she said she didn't like Turkey. Turned out she had so many pre Christmas day dinners she was sick of it by Christmas lol x miss you nana xxx

And people ask me why I don’t like Christmas! All this hurt, disappointment, moaning, anger… it’s one day! Just get together on a different day. Why oh why does it have to be THE day?

@ThePlacesYouGoAre we really at the point where a grandmother referring to “our grandchild” is considered a red flag? It’s a perfectly normal, affectionate way of speaking about a family member, not a declaration of ownership. People say “our son”, “our daughter” and “our family” all the time. Suggesting she’s a “possessive granny” based on that one word is quite a ridiculous leap. It feels like you’re looking for something to criticise rather than taking what she’s actually said at face value.

ThePlacesYouGo

she’s someone’s mother and hoping her child, partner and child will be with them for Christmas- no need to make it sound totally irrational using words like resentment and entitled and like she has a vendetta as opposed to having human feelings- if she asked aibu she knows it’s somewhat irrational but that’s life- nobody is perfect

Also "our grandchild". Such a red flag for a possessive granny.

Sorry, what? Who's grandchild is it then?

I take about 'my grandchildren' regularly. Friends ask "how are your grandchildren?"

What are we grandparents supposed to call them? Our children's children? DD and son in law's children?

If I was asking after someone's grandchild I'd use the child's name.

Possessive grandparents - in my observations - invariably default to "my grandchild." Just something I've noticed over the years. Maybe that wasn't what the OP was doing here, but a lot of overbearing grannies certainly do it.

Anyway, doesn't seem much point discussing any of this any more given the OP has disappeared.

I'd go so far as to say that every grandmother takes about my/our grandchildren. Because that's what they are.

So you're right. Possessive grandparents will use the term. But so will all the non-possessive ones.

Lol red flag!! I would be absolutely mortified if my son told me he never wants to spend christmas day with me after having his 1st child and YES seeing the gfriends parents instead 2 years in a row before this bombshell is shockingly heartless IMO

Of course the OP has every right to feel hurt, but if her son is so thoughtless and led by his wife, there is little that can be done about it.
Better to leave it go as just one day.
It is surprisingly common though when the son is a bit weak.

If they just said they wanted to be on their own at home I would have more understanding, but every Christmas at hers is very poor, but it happens.

She cares more about her family than he does about his, and takes the easy option of a quiet life.