AIBU to express hurt/disappointment over Christmas plans

[user77690]

My son and DIL have a young child. For the first two Christmases of my grandchild’s life, they spent Christmas Day with DIL’s parents. We recently asked what they were planning for Christmas this year and my son told us that, from now on, they want to spend Christmas Day just the three of them. They’re going to see DIL’s family on Boxing Day and have said they’ll see us at some point…

I completely understand them wanting to make their own traditions and I know they’re entitled to spend Christmas however they choose. But I’m really quite hurt.
I think what makes it difficult is that DIL’s parents had the first two Christmas Days with our grandchild. We never had a Christmas Day with them, and now it feels as though the opportunity has disappeared altogether. I suppose I’d always assumed the families might alternate at some point.

I don’t want to guilt-trip them or cause an argument, and I wouldn’t expect them to change their plans just because I’m upset. But would I be unreasonable to tell my son that I feel hurt and disappointed by it? Or is this something I should keep to myself and simply accept?

My mum has never spent Christmas day with my kids. I told her we were hosting PILs this year (who have had one previous Christmas with my eldest) and she did kind of say 'oh well I hope there's a chance you'll consider doing Christmas with us one year' and I said well actually I have considered that, and for these very practical and logistical reasons, I can't see it happening any time soon, can you? And she had to nod and say actually yes you're right.

If you think your son can be honest with you without the conversation turning sour and hurtful then by all means raise it with him, because there may be things going on you are not aware of. But be aware, you may still be faced with a 'I get what you're saying but no, you won't be spending Christmas Day with my child'.

And, I am FAR closer with my mum than I am with PILs, she sees my kids way more often through the year, and my decision to invite them and not my mum has nothing to do with how close we are or who I like best, there's just other stuff going on.

I agree it’s hurtful etc but I really don’t get the suggestions of can’t you just take them away for a weekend or a twixmas break. They want to be on their own on Christmas Day and have said they’ll see her ‘at some point’, why would her response be to offer to take them away?!

Your worst fear? That on one day of the year they make plans to do something else?

Having a good relationship for 365 days of the year is way more important than seeing them on just one.

I see their point but maybe not how they've gone about it. We as kids always spent Xmas at home however our circumstances were different, I only had 1 set of GPs and my uncle had died so they used to come to us.
Now the situation has continued. I now only have 1 parent, but sibling lives far away so my parent comes to us. We then go to my husbands family on boxing day for a few days as they live far away also. Works for us.
I wouldn't want to be travelling with my child but I do think it's unfair for you to not have any time put aside as such or to have even been invited over.

Could you maybe offer to do a little day out with your grandchild either before or after Xmas? Could be your own little tradition and something for you and them to look forward to each year? Before xmas would also give the parents a chance to do some last minute santa shopping!

Can see the bad mils incoming.

Mum we are spending Christmas at home alone.

Well let me just pop in for a bit, let me come cook breakfast, just a cuppa, I can come for tea time snacks 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I definitely would not try and intrude on Christmas Eve either. The little traditions of the cookies and milk, hanging the stocking and very likely some kind of Christmas Eve fun box.

Trying to make everything super nice and fun for the little one with the background chaos of knowing what tomorrow is.

The world or rather Christmas Day doesn’t mean you get to override others wants on how to spend their day. More likely just pushing them away further and showing exactly why you are not involved in the first place.

Always dils getting the blame for sons too lazy or who just don’t care enough to arrange something their side.

The son could have made a plan and picked a date when he gave op her at some point whisy washy details. He chose not to. Not the dil.

For the record, OP has not blamed DIL. She is speaking with her son, and she has said that she quite understands why they want Christmas Day to be just the three of them.

So why the vast majority of posters are criticising her for not understanding that they want Christmas alone, and for blaming the DIL for everything, I really don't know.

It was other posters blaming the DIL, not the OP.

OP complained that her grandchild had spent two Christmas Days with DILs parents, and they now had Boxing Day lined up this year too.

I think there's a pretty strong implication she thinks DILs family is getting preferential treatment.

But ultimately, that's up to OP's son to manage.

Im referring to other posters automatically blaming the dil.

It’s like Boy mum’s can’t see fault in their own adult child and it must be this horrible woman who’s making him.

Not all boy mums but a lot. You see it from posters of only boys dreading them getting a partner because this will happen with no thought to that their son if he wanted to would or could but if he doesn’t it means he just cnba.

Why don't you invite them to your house for Christmas eve? Or the 27th of December? Could it be they are waiting for an invite?

I really do think this is the best solution 👏

Agree with poster above - arrange something. Be proactive and get a date in calendar for something nice, open presents etc. and a special meal. You don't need to see them on Christmas day to celebrate.

I see family on various different days through the festive period and it's always just as special as the main day.

Or the ones who say "I'm glad I have girls". Why?

Well indeed you equally have daughters who don’t give a shit or just prefer not to spend things like Christmas with their parents.

Take me as that one. I do not spend Christmas at my parents. Because I don’t want to, dh would and could never stop me if I wanted to but I don’t so I don’t.

I do alternate Christmas between home and his parents because he wants to go to his parents sometimes.

Women do still tend to be the sex that actually cares more about visiting their families however it seems.

It’s like men (not all) can’t split their time thoughts and love so focus it all on the right here. So his role is just work, friends, home. Wife can organise “family”. Not fussed whatever you want luv type stuff. Much like shit dads when they separate that are great to their step children but lacking to their own children. It’s the here and now in front of them. So when a long term partner appears mum/dad don’t need to fill that empty gap anymore of being the home part of his life.

They get away with it because women hold other women accountable for men’s behaviour still.

There's also the fact that women will still commonly put in the majority of the physical and mental labour for Christmas.

(Not all women etc etc)

I'm not a Christmas martyr - I love Christmas! I probably increase the Christmas "burden" by about 50% out of the sheer joy of it.

But I also do probably 75% of the normal Christmas burden, even in a relationship where we did SPL, split pick ups, wakes, etc etc.

My husband acknowledges this, accepts that he benefits, compensates in other ways, and allows me to steer on what's a workable, enjoyable Christmas for all of us. In our case that's planning time with our families separate to Christmas day at the moment.

Yes I must admit it’s me buying 98% of the gifts, it’s me sorting events, decorating he just does the tree lights, it’s me picking up the bits and bobs for the house. Booking the outside ice rink, sorting out the Christmas jumpers for the various jumper to school / work days. Trip to see Santa. Which Santa!

I make sure we have the food and drinks in.

He does cook the dinner on the years we stay home.

The back up gifts and cards to hand when a long lost relative turns up at your door when you haven’t seen them in 5 plus years.

Of course I could do none of that but I like Christmas. I like my 6ft candy cane and lights and 👀 inflatable santas and stuff. Very not mumsnetty of me. I like to have a Christmas tree in all our living spaces. I hand tinsel off the stair rails and kitchen cupboards. I love it. Making up the Christmas Eve box. The bloody elf and I love hate relationship. It’s just some fun.

Not ceiling decs tho I draw the line there 😂

Why don't you say "That sounds great, how about you come to ours on Christmas Eve?" That way you're just forming a new tradition going forward :)

really?

its lovely!. late DH spent most of our christmasses just us and the dogs.

I’d book a holiday and they can fit round that.

@Malasana , yes he could and I believe my sons would but a lot of men don’t perhaps because their wives have taught them that disagreeing with them isn’t worth it. Some women are vile, there’s a reason for the saying which begins “a son is a son until he gets a wife…”

I th

I think that they are quite horrible to you. Spending the last 2 Xmas's with her parents and not alternating. Also say they are spending future Xmas days at home...fair enough....but to say they will se her psrents on Boxing Day and you some time!!!!! Very hurtful. Wouldnt say anything tho.

Blaming the woman! Women always get blamed.
Perhaps the son is just not bothered enough to make the effort and assumes his wife should make all the arrangements.

All these grandmother's and mother in laws - I would love to know how many of your own young children's Christmases you spent alternating staying between yours and your husbands families? Didn't spend a single one at home?

As someone in my thirties, I think I recall perhaps one or two Christmases spent away visiting over my childhood (older years at that) - the rest were spent in my own home. This is the same for the majority of my peers. Yet somehow our parents all now seem to think we will cart our children to their homes alternating years? What if you and your husband both have divorced parents? Is that four different homes on a four year basis? None of which is yours and your child's own 😂

Just ridiculous!

Theyve told you they're home Christmas day, and at DIL family boxing day - and they'll see you at another point. So now is the time for you to choose a day and invite them?