To think she should’ve offered to help?

[ForFairLilacHare]

I have two children, one in primary school and an 8 month old baby. DS had parents evening this evening so I had asked my mum to if she could look after baby so me and DH could both attend. We were only gone for around 15 minutes as the school is only across the road.

When we returned, we asked my mum is she wanted to staying for dinner. Once we had finished around, she just got up from the table and said she had best get home. She said bye to the children and then just left leaving everything still on the table. As you can imagine, there was quite a bit of mess as DS2 is weaning and had dropped most of his dinner on the floor.

AIBU that she should have offered to help me to clean up or at the very least brought her plate and glass to the sink?

My parents and in laws would have stayed to help. Or offer at least. I think it’s quite rude to just get up and walk out!!

of course some posters will say you’re entitled and unhinged and all that but realistically I think most parents would at least clear their plate or offer to help before they leave.

Where does it say that?!

This!

She wasn’t there as your dinner guest though. She was there in a free babysitting capacity and was fed.

Quite! Can't believe OP's reasoning is because she cooked dinner.
Good manners to offer to help, but she'd already helped you massively and probably thought the dinner/clearing up was a thank you.

God I'd have loved that my inlaws always overstayed their welcome after dinner

So these are your boundaries and she has crossed them. So don’t invite her over for free babysitting next time.

Surely it's not the forst time she's eaten at yours, but sounds like the first time she's upped and left.

Why not give her some grace, especially as she's your mother and did you a favour!

I think she should have took her plate, utensils and glass to the sink. I don't think she should have necessarily offer to clean up but taking your own stuff to the sink is basic manners.

This is ridiculous.
So if she'd offered to help, you wouldn't have accepted the help anyway.
But you are offended that she didn't offer.

Presumably your mum knows you quite well and knew that you were likely to refuse her offer of help, so thought she would avoid the need and the delay caused by having an unnecessary exchange of words for some faux politeness sake.

I normally advocate telling people if they have inadvertantly annoyed you, but I have no idea how you would tell her this "Mum, can you offer to help next time you come round? I don't actually want any help, but I want to be able to refuse your offer".

Maybe she was just in a hurry? Hadn’t expected to stay as long?

Why? Surely it's easier to stack all the plates at the table and put the cutlery on top and take them out as a pile rather than ending up with loads of individual plates around the kitchen?

Be careful. You have someone to babysit. If you start adding in extras and getting upset when they don’t do them you’ll end up with no help at all.

I just feel that it is basic manners. I’m sorry if I have offended some posters but I believe if you have eaten at someone’s house, the very least you should do is offer to at least clear your plate.

I don’t think a guest in my house has ever done this.
Out of all the things going on the world is this really a big deal?

It's absolutely basic manners to at least take your plate and cup over to the sink or dishwasher. To leave everything on the table and leave is just rude. (Unless the host tells you to of course.)
I can't get behind anyone who thinks that is ok.

I thought you were going to say she wouldn't mind the baby for 15 minutes, which, if she were able to, would have been a bit unhelpful given the importance.

But, given she did, I think you are being a bit of a whinge tbh.

I suspect she probably had something else she wanted to be doing but hadn't liked to decline the babysitting. Had she not come, you would have been doing the washing up anyway.

Yes, she should have taken her plate to the sink, but maybe she just overlooked it at that moment? Does she usually do it?

She probably thought she was helpful getting out of the way of your evening routine. She did you the favour of disrupting her evening to babysit for you. I couldn't get worked up about this.

I said YANBU, but only because she left her plate on the table.

A family member I can see is a bit different, but generally I think it is actually bad manners to just clear your things from the table. Fine to offer but it isn't good manners for guests to act like they are in their own home. Just as it is fine to accept help as a host if it is offered, but not fine to ask.

Jesus Christ

But she wasn't really a "guest" was she, she was doing you a favour babysitting and perhaps she was just really tired and wanted to get home.

You could ask her tomorrow if everything is alright as "you shot off straight after dinner" ?

She had already helped you out by babysitting. Giving her dinner, and taking her plate afterwards, by way of thanks should have been a given.

Amazing…

No , see my last. I think it is polite to offer, but it is actually rude to just do it.

Exactly!
I really wasn’t expecting such a reaction to this thread. I just assumed that most people would agree that immediately leaving once you have finished is rude.
I had got up to start clearing up but DH was still finishing his dinner when she got up and left.
I just thought she would’ve offered to help at the very least.