To think she should’ve offered to help?

[ForFairLilacHare]

I have two children, one in primary school and an 8 month old baby. DS had parents evening this evening so I had asked my mum to if she could look after baby so me and DH could both attend. We were only gone for around 15 minutes as the school is only across the road.

When we returned, we asked my mum is she wanted to staying for dinner. Once we had finished around, she just got up from the table and said she had best get home. She said bye to the children and then just left leaving everything still on the table. As you can imagine, there was quite a bit of mess as DS2 is weaning and had dropped most of his dinner on the floor.

AIBU that she should have offered to help me to clean up or at the very least brought her plate and glass to the sink?

YABU. If you wouldn’t have accepted her offer of help, what is the actual problem here?

I agree.

Not a big deal, surely? Hardly worth posting a thread about it.

What do you do at her house when you have a meal there and do you have dishwasher?

.Clearing ones own plate tend to a
Trait learned early in life depending on upbringing. Some people hate other people loading their dishwasher or piling up stuff in the sink. I think it depends what the norm is in terms of helping out with kitchen chores at other people's houses.

DM wasn’t there as a guest: she was babysitting. She did you a favour.

I know exactly what you mean my uncle did us a huge favour the other day by coming to look at our boiler and I couldn't believe he didn't stay to clean our house. He's a lazy sod

She was probably really tired. My in-laws play lots with my children when they visit, but they do very little to help (e.g., they'd leave their plates on the table), but I can see they find our children pretty exhausting! I don't worry about it, because I'd rather they use their energy to spend time with the children. Maybe check in on your mum whether she's ok?

So you're annoyed over nothing then as the end result would have been the same...

Even if she had been a guest, I wouldn’t expect her to clean up? I expect my DC/DH to clear their plates, but not my guests.

How far did she travel to babysit? Maybe as baby was fussing she decided to go and leave you to it and not outstay her welcome. You'd probably be complaining if she'd hung around too long and disrupted the routine. She did what was asked of her. Maybe she forgot to put her plate in the sink and was feeling tired. At least she didn't say no to your request and leave you in the lurch.

Ok, so you don't need any help and happy to clear up, yet you think she should have offered to maintain some kind of a ceremony. She offers, you decline and end up clearing up anyway. What exactly is the point of this?
It's a bit like
"Would you like a cup of tea?"
"No, thank you"
"Are you sure?"
Of course, I am fucking sure. Why else would I say it..

OP, there are million exciting things you could be spending your mental energy on. Feeling offended that you didn't get to dance a ceremonial dance with your mother seems a bit of a waste of your life.

@ForFairLilacHare you should go NC! 😂

i just can’t imagine seeing mess around and not thinking to even offer to help my daughter

Yeah but your daughter’s just a kid at the moment.

Wait and see if she grows up expecting you to come over and babysit, then clean up her kids mess for her and her husband before you go home.

And of course she may end up moaning about you on a parenting forum no matter how much you do for her.

Maybe she was tired after looking after small children. See how you feel when charged with this in a couple of decades time!
She did you a favour and this is how you thank her honestly,

An offer would have been good, yes. Not the best manners. Why is it bothering you, though, given you wouldn't have accepted?

Was this a one off?
Was she always like this, or is it just with you?
Are there other things going on?

My mum spent 18 years cooking and clearing up after us. My siblings and I never let her lift a finger when she comes over. My dad never got involved in the cooking etc. (thank god I didn’t marry a man like that, my husband does all the clearing up!), but I will happily let him do some weeding when they come over!

I don’t want guests to help clear up. I only let family members help if it’s my brother as we have a gossip in the kitchen.

I think I was about 12, maybe less, when I stopped needing my mum to clean up after me after dinner.

Now she gets to chill and I clean up.

On point.

Can’t imagine bitching about my mum after she helped out . Shame on you op.

I can't imaging taking to a forum to complain about my mum who had just done me a favour.

You can't be that grateful if you are here bitching about her. Fwiw, I would have helped clear the table, but I see no reason why she should have particularly.

She already helped you out by looking after your kids

This is very valid.

if you are just talking about her own plate, then yes, I’d say the norm especially in your own family would be to at least take your own plate. But you made specific mention in your op that your baby is weaning and had made a lot of mess, with the inference being that you expected her to offer to clean that up.

so, as per the poster I quoted, if a male relative was round doing a bit of free DIY, you give him dinner as thanks, would you then be affronted if he didn’t offer to clean up your babies mess?

Maybe she was tired by then? I imagine children become draining the older you get.

Fair enough she didn’t even offer, but I also find your expectations that she should have a bit much.

WTF? How ridiculously cheeky! You didnt both need to go to parents evening.

Maybe she couldn’t be bothered with what seems just a ritual.

This is where I struggle with my autism. I go around a few times for diner and ask if the person wants help with the dishes and they always say “don’t worry” why would I continue asking? . Or same if when I’m round my daughter never lets me help tidy when I offered in the past why might I offer to clear up.

If I’d thought at all (don’t have kids) I’d have noticed the nighttime routine starting and said goodbye to the children and left.