To think she should’ve offered to help?

[ForFairLilacHare]

I have two children, one in primary school and an 8 month old baby. DS had parents evening this evening so I had asked my mum to if she could look after baby so me and DH could both attend. We were only gone for around 15 minutes as the school is only across the road.

When we returned, we asked my mum is she wanted to staying for dinner. Once we had finished around, she just got up from the table and said she had best get home. She said bye to the children and then just left leaving everything still on the table. As you can imagine, there was quite a bit of mess as DS2 is weaning and had dropped most of his dinner on the floor.

AIBU that she should have offered to help me to clean up or at the very least brought her plate and glass to the sink?

Weird isn’t it? Mine is gone now but I would love him to leave his plate for me one more time.

I don't expect gusts to wash up in my house - in fact I'd rather people stayed out of the kitchen. If I've been cooking for friends it is probably a mess, and nobody knows where things go and how I do things anyway. I clear the plates after the main course and usually leave any pudding plates on the table when we move into the sitting room, then bung it all in the dishwasher when everyone's gone home. I've had friends 'help' before, and it's taken days to find the teaspoons and I had to run the dishwasher again because they didn't stack it properly.

When I'm a guest I'll ask if someone wants help with the washing up, and would willingly help, but wouldn't really expect to be taken up on it, other than at Christmas or similar big occasions. Unless you've been making a five course feast, washing up isn't a huge job anyway.

Same, I’m visiting my DM a bit later to spoon feed her lunch, she doesn’t know who I am but it’s still so nice ti see her.

I agree! It’s really hard. My children will come to my house and stay for hours - they’re adults with their own children and homes. I make endless hot / cold drinks and snacks etc and I am switched on the whole time, making conversation etc. I am exhausted when they leave and I’m not exaggerating, as I’ve aged I find it very difficult to chat to anyone for more than about 2 hours. When I go to their homes, at their request for childcare, I feel awkward. Sometimes I’m not offered a drink, their spouses often are looking at their watch and I am wondering if I have overstayed (I categorically never have, 100% sure on that) the conversation falls flat, they don’t care whether you’re hot or cold even though when they’re at mine I’m asking if they need the heating on or a window opening etc and I often feel a bit sad when I’ve left, I can’t put my finger on what it is but it feels slightly uncomfortable. I bet OP’s Mother feels similar. She’s probably trying to leave at the right time so as not to overstay etc. and if OP’s and husbands attitude is anything like it seems she maybe doesn’t even really enjoy their company. I don’t enjoy one of my adult children’s company. It’s taken me a long time to admit that to myself but it’s the truth, we’re all human beings with our own thoughts and feelings but us Mums just seem to be expected to care give our entire lives and it’s still not enough.

The Mum didn’t even know she was staying for dinner until after she had arrived (if I’m reading the post correctly) so I think it was likely just a very run of the mill dinner where there was enough for an extra person. I rewash all my pots if a family member washes them 😂 I used to ask them not to do them but they didn’t like that so now I just rewash them when they’ve gone. I can’t stand the thought of eating off plates and utensils that haven’t been washed to my standard 🙈 Typing that out has made me realise I may have some issues!

I understand completely! If someone insists on washing up by hand in my house, those plates will go straight in the dishwasher after they’ve left

Given that the mom here was doing OP a favour by babysitting and she's so petty as to be bitching about her mom leaving her plate on the table, it sounds like much the same vaguely uncomfortable atmosphere as you're describing. You go out of your way for your kids to be comfortable, your kids don't come close matching that energy. OP is critical of the least detail and has made this into a Big Deal. She brought this here hoping her mom would be trashed for leaving a plate when her mom did her a favour and that's trashy behaviour.

You're not answering if this is the first time your mum has done this, which comes across as such.

Why start a thread on your own mother doing something you're not happy with once, afyer she's helped you and only listening to posts you agree with?

Is your DH enraged too?

If this is unusual maybe something happened she is not happy about. Ask her if everything is ok. Maybe she feels taken for granted. Do you ask her a lot. Just trying to understand.

Personaaly I think antone should at least offer to help, I usually dont accept help but it does annoy me when people just walk away ... it not a restaurant.

OP why post and ask for opinions when it's patently obvious you have no intention of listening to the majority who have expressed their opinion.

Of course you do not have to agree but FFS you are just rallying against anyone who does not see it from your point of view.

MNetter's have answered your question of AIBU.
In future you should perhaps not ask for opinions if you cannot accept that their answers may not coincide with your perspective.

I suspect that you posted in order to get validation, never for one moment realising that your opinion may not be the majority.
What a shock and what an an eye opener for you.

Was it starting to get dark OP? Was your mum driving? If so it could be that she noticed it was getting dark, got distracted and realised she needed to dash off. A lot of people hate driving in the dark these days (including me).

Whatever reason, I wouldn't hold it against her. I'm sure she would be devastated if she found out you had started a thread complaining about her.

Maybe she had a TV programme she wanted to get back for?

So each adult takes their own plate (and cutlery?) to the sink? No stacking allowed? Why the sink rather than the dishwasher? What does OP do when at her mother's house. MN is such a weird world.

I don’t help clear up after eating at my daughter's house because I know they like to stack the dishwasher in a particular way. In your mother's place I would have left as soon as possible, assuming you didn’t want interference while going through a fraught bath/bed routine. (That’s what I would have wanted as a young mum.)

I cannot imagine why you are making such a huge deal of something so petty, especially when she had just been doing you a favour. It doesn’t reflect well on you.

Is she retired or had she already been at work all day before coming to babysit so you could both attend a parents evening that could easily be attended by one parent or indeed the 4 of you. I've seen plenty of young children and their siblings at primary school parent's evenings. She did you favour.

"it’s a formality to expect someone would at least just say ‘do you need me to do anything before I get off?’"

Said no one ever

And OP's mother isn't a paid nanny either. She'd already helped.

OP 91% of readers believe that you were being unreasonable. Is that not enough to convince you that you were being unreasonable??? If I invite someone to dinner I never expect them to help me clean up. I don’t expect them to put their dishes in the sink. I expect them to have a really nice time as my GUEST. And to top it off she had just babysat for you and your husband.