Am I being mean sending my child to preschool on my non working days ?

[Sleepingworries]

Just wondering if I’m being a mean mum here as other peoples assumptions have made me worry.

I work 3 days a week and my ILs look after my toddler while I’m at work. My toddler is now old enough for preschool and I’ve booked my toddler into preschool on my 2 non working days. This just means I get a
bit of a break, time for me so I can do things like go to the gym.

When I’ve been telling people about my child starting preschool, the majority have assumed that it will be on the days I’m working and look quite shocked when I say it’s the days I’m off.

It’s now making me question if I’m being selfish by having those days to myself ? Am I doing something unusual ?

I personally would feel guilty doing this. For a bit of balance I would at the very least reduce in laws days of childcare to 2 days and put lo in preschool two days so you have one day to yourself then one day with them. You don’t get the little years for very long so make the most of them. My eldest has just started school and I miss our weekdays together.

I couldn’t ask my family to look after my child when I worked and put him in pre-school on days off. It’s not fair on family or your child. If you need time for you then compromise and put him in one day you’re working and one day you’re off and spend the other day with him.

Your in laws must be saints. I love my toddler grandchild to bits, but one day's minding him leaves me pretty thoroughly knackered. I would volunteer three days a week if the parents were stuck, but if they had the opportunity for pre-school and expected me to carry on I could well be contemplating violence. I'm pretty sure I'd tell them to jog on and that I would only be doing one day a week from now on.

Don't be surprised if your in-laws come back with a similar reaction when they have time to think about it.

I'm afraid I sort of agree OP.

It makes me think a bit of someone I know who got her holiday paid for by family because she desperately "needed it" and couldn't afford it, then went and bought herself a new wardrobe to go which totalled almost as much as the trip.

I think the idea of them helping with childcare is so that you can get to work isn't it? The sort of "it takes a village" idea. So I wouldn't be at all surprised if they were taken aback by this.

I feel you need to ask them if they want the two days taken off their hands if you are prepared and able to pay for two days a week.

As much as I think the OP is being unreasonable, those of you claiming that the three year old would love a leisurely lie in and snuggle must know very different three year olds to me!

Your taking the P booking toddler in on both your none work days and expecting inlaws to have them 3 days. And yes id be surprised tbh. Surely you want a day woth your toddler?

Of course inlaws wont say anything as they would be worried you would take a huff and not let them do any childcare.

Well yes It is unusual to get your in-laws to raise your child, they see more of them than you do. I’d be judging you too OP.

Hey

my little girl went to a childminders at 10 months old she began doing 2 days a week and I was only working 1.5 hours everyday. Then I increased it to 4 days and I worked full time.

at 3 years old i reduced my hours and hers I did 3 hours work a day she did 3 hours of pre school a day. When it got to January i increased her to 6 hours a day and did 5 hours a day at work. this helped us bond more and live more and slow right down before she had to be in school reception.

When I worked full time in a term time only job and she was attending childminders all year round you bet she was going in to give me “
me time” her dad didn’t agree and kept saying she should stay home with me but I said nope absolutely not I need breathing time!

so no I don’t judge you for that im absolutely sure you’ll find time and pockets of it in every day and every week to spend together

A lot of people do it for financial reasons though- because nursery is so expensive it makes it unaffordable to pay for the fees while not working. I worked 3 days a week and paid for 4 days in nursery as it gave me one day to do my own stuff and one extra days with the child and had the best of both worlds.

The same.

Oh how I miss those toddlers days!

Why do you assume the day 'off' is a day to yourself though- I imagine OP is doing stuff around the house on part of those amazing 'free' hours that her husband doesnt.

Echoing the posts that have already stated about your in-laws tbh. I know my own parents genuinely loved having grandchildren but they’re hard work and 3 days a week is a lot! Are you sure they’re not just being polite as don’t want to offend you or make you think that they don’t want her ? In reality 3 full days is a lot with grandparents & most definitely more than average .

The one next door to me was deliberately kept up late at night so she sleeps in to suit the mother the next morning ....none of that now though as she's in P1 this year! Up sharp every weekday like her older siblings.

It sounds fine as your in-laws are happy with the arrangement and didn’t want to change when you said your DC will be starting pre school.
I was a SAHM and my DC went 4 or 5 mornings a week and I didn’t think anything of it.

How long are you planning on your in-laws doing childcare for you? If it’s long term and they’ll be doing school runs etc for the next 10 years or so I would use preschool on their days- at least one. I have a 12 and 9 year old and know a group of grandparents who are exhausted after doing lots of preschool and primary school childcare. They were fine in the preschool years but it got tiring quickly after.

Depends entirely on your in-laws imo. If they are truly happy then it’s not a problem. If they are the type that don’t feel able to say no even though they would want to, then it might end up being an issue - but how would you know they’re not happy if they don’t say so? Can you make sure via your DH or something?

I voted YANBU because you did run it by your in-laws and they didn’t say anything. If you wanted to make it fairer maybe you could do one of your working days and one of your non-working days so you all get a day off. But, maybe they don’t want to miss out on that time - I don’t know. But in terms of you being mean? You see your DC at the weekend. No one would think you were mean if you were working, why are you mean for doing other things that keep you healthy and happy? Your DC is being looked after. They are probably just jealous.

Agree with this.

I do feel sorry for your child. Don't you want to spend time with them? They'll be at school soon enough.

Wonder what your child would choose, if they had the choice?

I admit I am quite judgey, though.

I found it hard to leave my two, so I worked part time and kept them with me on my days off. It was hard to have no me time but it's been a few years now and when I look back I see that we made so many memories. I'm glad we had that time together. School came around so quickly and we are now at the mercy of the school schedule. I've still never had me time as I now work while they are at school so maybe you should take it while you can. If you feel like you need time to yourself, take it. Kids are resilient and will be fine.

OP do you not like your child?
Its certainly not the norm in my circle to optionally not spend that amount of time with a pre-schooler.
Totally different situation for parents working full time where it can't be helped, but presumably you went part time to raise your child and now don't want to do it?
It won't be long until they start school and you won't get that time back with them.
You'll also then get your 'free time' when they are in school.

Disingenuous? The Op doesn't see her kid for 3 days when she works then somehow needs 2 whole days to herself. That's ridiculous.

It's not wrong, you do whatever works. However, as someone with school age kids - once they go to school you can't ever take them out or get those little aged back when they just want to hang out with you all day. I have amazing memories of my littles as 3 and 4 year olds on non pre school and non work days, there were so many lovely little things we did together. I'd honestly give my left arm to go back and grab one of those days again, even if it was just a supermarket shop and a babycinno, it was gorgeous and such a sweet age. I really miss it!
Everyone is different, but it is unusual not to want to spend a bit of time with your child just the 2 of you (my dh did pt too at 3 and 4 as we both just genuinely really enjoyed them!)

So you told the inlaws you’re plan ,you didn’t ask them if they would like to drop a day of childminding.
A bit selfish on your part.

It’s paid for by others working and handing over their money. It’s akin to someone claiming benefits for being unemployed because they prefer to do that rather than work.

So she wants someone to do unpaid work to allow her some free time to do jobs around the house? That’s morally questionable.