Am I being mean sending my child to preschool on my non working days ?

[Sleepingworries]

Just wondering if I’m being a mean mum here as other peoples assumptions have made me worry.

I work 3 days a week and my ILs look after my toddler while I’m at work. My toddler is now old enough for preschool and I’ve booked my toddler into preschool on my 2 non working days. This just means I get a
bit of a break, time for me so I can do things like go to the gym.

When I’ve been telling people about my child starting preschool, the majority have assumed that it will be on the days I’m working and look quite shocked when I say it’s the days I’m off.

It’s now making me question if I’m being selfish by having those days to myself ? Am I doing something unusual ?

Surely the reason you work part time is to spend more time with your child? So at least one of your non working days you should be wanting to spend it with your child!

I'm not one of those 'give up work so you can bring up your own child's kind of person but to not work on a day but pay for childcare for that day doesn't make sense. And if you're only working 3 days surely you want to spend time with your child on one of the non working ones?

Full days or the 3 hour preschool session?
That makes a big difference in my opinion. A few hours absolutely fine. Good for your wellbeing and good for DD to get used to a setting like that before school. Then you still have most of the day to do things together.
If it's 8-6 2 days a week in nursery and 3 full days with GPs I'd find that strange and selfish.
Some parents hate having 5 full days away from young DC but have to work. To chose to have your child elsewhere for 5 full days a week does seem selfish and unfair to your DD who would probably love having more time with her parents.

You should have asked, not told

You could have just lived on less and done that then.. No need to dig at people and paint yourself as hard done by. Ffs talk about passive aggressive! No one made you!

Oooo I dunno on this one. I mean, that means your in-laws get more day time days than you...
I fullt support mums having "me" time. My DH works evenings and weekends and I am absolutely burnt out most of the time. But still. So you're a weekend parent?

My week when my DD was about 18 months old looked like
Monday - I worked and DD was looked after by her Dad
Tuesday - Off work but DD had a half day in nursery while I exercised and meal prepped
Wednesday - Off work with DD in my care
Thursday - I worked while my Mum looked after her
Friday - Off work but DD had half day in nursery while I exercise and meal prep
Saturday - I worked while DD was looked after by Dad
Sunday - All off together

It worked for me. I struggled mentally after having her and felt quite depressed. Having scheduled regular exercise was absolute key for me. I also went for walks in the evenings when she was in bed. It meant I didn't have to take antidepressants. It was also good for her social skills being in nursery for half a day twice a week I think - she got on really well there.

She's 7 now and exercise is still my twice weekly non negotiable! I go to gym when she's at school two mornings a week and still work flexibly.

Huh? Yeah of course working is a choice. That's why our benefits bill is so high...... 😂

so your dh gets his parents to have the children whilst he works ( his parents are happy with this arrangement) and then plays golf at the weekends and you have the children - so your time to "play golf" is when the dc are at pre school? have I got this correct?

if everyone is happy with the arrangement can't see what its got to do with other peoples expectations

The ILs not objecting isn't quite the same as being happy about it. At the very least I would have offered to share those days so that they get a day back and you still get a day off.

Yeah..I'd probably think you're being a bit unreasonable but then I never had help from ILs or parents. So your toddler does 3 days with ILS, 2 days in preschool and the weekends with you whilst DH plays golf? I'd say thats unusual but if you're happy with it, then do it.

They probably didn't feel comfortable telling you they would like a day off. Instead of telling them your plans maybe you could have asked them if they would like to drop a day. I know if I was in their position I would find it hard to object to what you have already decided to do.

I think you are taking advantage of your PILs. My SIL does similar, constantly expecting my parents to look after her child whilst she spends large chunks of time on her hobby and my brother is working. My parents never say no but get tired. It pisses me off because they are often too busy to help me for the approx once a month times I could do with it. I think prioritising 2 days to yourself when you have a young child is a bit selfish. Sounds like your DH is a bit selfish too at the weekends.

just out of curiosity - how does your dh think about his arrangement for free childcare by his parents whilst he works? and what does he think about you holding the fort while he plays golf?

does he have any dad guilt, twinges of well I should be playing with the dc more? ever mention anything? friends ever ask if he feels he should spend more time with the dc?

It also means that the in-laws only get two days off a week too. The same as OP wants. Thing is; they didn’t decide to have a baby. You did.

Does no one like spending time with eachother in your family? You have the lovely opportunity to spend 1-2 days a week with your toddler when it's quiet, can go places, but you want me time. And the weekends which should be family time are me time for your husband. All enabled by your on laws who at this rate will be raising your kids more than their parents.

What do you need a break from?

Do you pay for it all or do you rely on funded hours and tax free childcare to reduce the rate?

If it is the latter I think it is morally wrong for you to send your child there on non working days as you are effectively demanding someone else goes to work and hands over their pay to fund your child’s daily fee while you have a free day.

That’s pretty disingenuous tbh. I adore my three year old but she can be really hard work. I work two days a week and she attends preschool for three. This is partly for her benefit but I won’t pretend it’s not for mine either. However, I do have two days off with her as well, and it’s that I think OP needs. Sometimes the less time you spend with them the harder work it is when you do.

You know she’s entitled to it irrespective of if it’s used or not? It isn’t like benefits where there’s a limited pot if you like, it’s a place that belongs to that child and only that child IYSWIM.

No that’s not what I said. I never said working was a choice. Why are you saying I said that.

Most people work part time so that they can spend their days off with their children. So you are unusual.
They are little for such a short time. Don't you want to spend days at the farm, or doing toddler activities together? On a practical level week days are less busy for outings and cheaper.

Wouldn’t it be lovely if one weekday morning a week your child could stay in their pyjamas, get in your bed and snuggle and wasn’t up, dressed and shipped out and passed off to someone else?

They’re 3. I appreciate weekdays mean work and school and carrying on with everyday life. But at 3 I think they can have a bit of downtime at home with a parent.

YABU. Grandparents doing 3 days unpaid childcare while you have two days off. No way. I’m a supporter of time to yourself for sure, but not at the expense of others. I would have asked the grandparents if they still want to do any days now that he is an eligible for pre-school, with no pressure to do so. I wouldn’t mention your hopes to have days to yourself as that shouldn’t be a factor in their decision. If they genuinely want to still do a day or two or three, then fine.

I worked 3 days and sent mine to preschool 3 days and 1 day nanny had him. The other day I spent entirely with him which was a Wednesday so we spent quality time together while his older sister was at school. So we used to go out and have a day together or play at home and I wouldn’t do anything for me or house related that day. He’s nearly 5 now and in reception full time so I definitely wouldn’t have sent him in that extra day to pre school. I miss him being home now!

Or you can do what my neighbour did before her 5yo started primary 1...and just lounge around until 11am then saunter out to nursery with your DC then go to the gym? Get a long lie with your DC?