Am I being mean sending my child to preschool on my non working days ?

[Sleepingworries]

Just wondering if I’m being a mean mum here as other peoples assumptions have made me worry.

I work 3 days a week and my ILs look after my toddler while I’m at work. My toddler is now old enough for preschool and I’ve booked my toddler into preschool on my 2 non working days. This just means I get a
bit of a break, time for me so I can do things like go to the gym.

When I’ve been telling people about my child starting preschool, the majority have assumed that it will be on the days I’m working and look quite shocked when I say it’s the days I’m off.

It’s now making me question if I’m being selfish by having those days to myself ? Am I doing something unusual ?

I cherished every moment of time with my children when they were young. I quit my employed role shortly after I had my first (of three) and became self-employed so I could flex my work around them, often starting work once I'd put them to bed. I was sad when each one started full-time school as the spontaneity of simply doing whatever we chose to do each day was no longer possible. Children grow so fast, and those early years are just the best. I think I'd be tempted to find a better balance so you can make as many memories as possible for you and your child. Once they're in school at 4, time for the gym will return.

"Telling your ILs" about your decision makes them sound like staff, not grandparents.

No mean but it sounds a bit selfish. Do your in laws want/need a break? That will be my first question. Looking after a toddler is hard work; your husband sounds quite selfish too if he is planning golf all weekend when you have a toddler.

She said she told them what she was thinking, not what she had decided.

I agree with this.

As long as your in-laws are (genuinely) happy, then I don't see a problem with it if that's what you want to do. Maybe start with one day to yourself and see if that's enough first? But also is triple check your in-laws genuinely want to continue childcare!

"Planning". But point taken. I suppose she'll be fine with it if they say no in the end, since nothing is decided yet.

It's really out of order of you to tell your in-laws what you've decided and leave the ball in their court to object. You should absolutely have given the opportunity to reduce their days. It's also out of order for your husband to spend a lot of tie golfing at the weekend when he works full time. You both sound selfish.

If your in-laws are genuinely happy with this arrangement then that's lovely and I expect your toddler will very much enjoy pre-school . . . but I will say that now my DD is 13 and in a very busy school, I would do anything to go back to the toddler days when we had week days together. Perhaps one day at pre-school for you to have some time for yourself, and one day during the week for you to spend together would be a compromise you'd appreciate in the long run?

Although if your husband is absent a lot over weekends and you feel you're doing the bulk of that parenting single-handedly that's a different story and probably something to raise alongside this decision.

I would t say it’s selfish but I used to really value my time with my kids on my Friday day off. I miss that 1 on 1 time now they are all at school.

I think you will regret this when your child starts school. I get that you need a break, but your child is little and will want to spend more time with you than what they currently get. They will be at school soon enough and you’ll have two days to yourself then. Make the most of time with your child now.

You are absolutely entitled and need time to yourself, but it is unfair to your DC and IL to have a child and spend the least amount of time with DC by choice.

It makes more sense for your DC to attend preschool 3 days a week on your working days, and IL to have them 1 day a week on your NWD.

You still get a whole day to yourself and IL get a break and probably less guilt if they need to cancel on you for some reason.

I work 4 days but am planning to drop to 3.5 so I can have half a day when toddler is at nursery to get stuff done (I spend my current 1 day off with her).

DH gets a lot more free time than I do at weekends as he plays a sport and tends to have more social stuff (most of my social life now is seeing other mums and their kids).

I dont think its unreasonable to try and have uninterrupted time without your child to get things done (or, indeed, to use it as your rest or exercise time!) Surely it makes the time you then have with your child much less pressured as you can focus on playing with them? Sounds like a good balance for your family.

Sorry but this is all just weird.

He spends all week at work then out golfing most weekends.

You work part time and choose to put your child in pre school instead of having any time off with her in the week.

Did you guys actually want a child? Because it doesn't sound like either of you are really bothered about spending time together as a family.

I know this sounds cheesy but you never get the time back.

I absolutely love working so this is not about 'not working as a mum - but mine are 12 and 14 now and I have the fondest memories of before they started school and I always had 1 or 2 days off with them - in the park/ making friends/ just hanging out with them

Children start school so young in this country - then that is it, no more park days and little playgroups. I can't imagine wanting to not have a single day this little kid is with a parent

and that's not just you - but wouldn't his dad like time with him?

You are unbelievable.

Do you not like spending time with your child ?

they are not little for long … seems you would rather not be with them though ?

I guess it depends by what you mean by pre-school. When mine started pre-school it was just 2 hours in the morning so enough time for me to pop to the supermarket and do the weekly shop etc. In that case then I think it’s completely reasonable.

If you’re talking 9-3 however, then yes, I think that’s odd.

Since you asked OP, I think you are being unreasonable. You are riding on the good nature of your in laws and nabbing a spot for a day at your childminding centre you don’t need. This is a fairly selfish decision you have made. Be ready for it to fall about your ears one day when others catch on.

This.

The people who spend the most time with your child is your in-laws.

I don’t think you’re selfish for sending them to pre school on your days off. My DS does to preschool term time school hours and I only work 2 days a week so I get a fair bit of alone time. I see it more as readiness for school and developing social skills rather than childcare.

however sorry but I do think you’re in massive cheeky fucker territory to use the hours to benefit you and not your poor in laws who have helped you out massively. I’m not surprised they didn’t say anything when you mentioned it, I would assume they were completely shocked!

I don’t think it’s mean exactly (although a lot of people will probably not understand why you wouldn’t want an extra day with them when a lot or parents (Mums and Dads) would give anything to be able to have an extra day off with their kids).
I think pre-school can be great for their development and getting them ready for school. I do think there’s something a bit off about expecting your in laws to have them 3 days and then you having 2 days off if it’s just being spent on things like the gym. I think perhaps a fairer thing would have been for them to do 2 days and you have 1 day to yourself and one with your child seeing as currently their actually spending more waking days with them than you are. But if it’s working for you and they don’t mind then it’s not my place or anyone else’s to judge.

This.

This. You are, in my book, a cheeky fecker. Free childcare from inlaws is to facilitate working. It's YOUR child.

My mam was wonderful & did 2 days, I did 2 (with DNiece on one day too)& DSis did the other. Yes, I was knackered, but that's having children for you. DH did 5 days, but wasn't pissing off to golf evenings & weekends: you have a DH issue, so possibly why you are craving 'you time'.

When they're at school & you want some 'me time' grand, you do you, but your time at the expense of inlaws is taking the rip.

Just correcting my post as the edit greyed out. I’m even more surprised to read properly it’s two days a week at daycare that you nabbed for ‘me time’ - wow.