Are my standards too high?

[Cwackers]

Fully prepared to be told I'm expecting too much but I'm getting frustrated with my husband at the state he leaves the house in the morning. We both wfh and I usually do the nursery run in the morning (he does pick up).

So I leave the house at 7:45am and he gets up and starts work between 8-830am. Usually when I get back from the nursery run (about 8:25 and I start work at 8:30), I then have to do the following things because he has literally just got out of bed and walked into his office;

Let the dog out
Make the bed
Open the curtains and blinds throughout the house
Collect dirty cups from the bedroom (we have a morning coffee in bed) and take them downstairs
Reset our daughters room (make bed, open curtains, collect dirty nappy bags and take downstairs)
Empty and reload dishwasher

Then start work.

I've brought it up before and he just says he doesn't think things like making the bed or opening the curtains are important and he 'doesn't notice'. I like a nice, reset house to start work in the morning.

On the odd days I have to leave the house for work, I often return home in the evening the same situation, so it's not just a preference for when these things get done.

Am I being too particular and high maintenance?

Do you do the nursery run every day? Who gets her ready in the morning?

Who does nursery pick up? and who gets dinner ready?

If there’s two of you you need to tag team the children job and the house jobs.

No im the same, Dh seems incapable of plumping pillows or straightening the duvet nicely, he gets up and pulls it up but never as neatly as i do it. Its the same at bedtime, i open curtains and replace / plump cushions so everything is nice when we get up he just leaves it drives me mad.

Apart from the dog it sounds like you have mismatched expectations.

If he doesn’t think making the bed or opening the curtains are important, he can leave those tasks to you and instead empty the dishwasher, lets the dog out and take his daughter’s dirty nappies out. Problem solved!

(But in reality, problem is not solved, because the issue is not actually that these tasks are unimportant but that your husband is a lazy prick and doesn’t need to do them because he knows his wife will).

It says in my post, I do drop offs, he does pick up.
We both tag team to get her ready in the morning

Apart from letting the dog out (which I think is awful), my DH probably wouldn’t do all of those things and would say it was different standards! He would make the bed but it wouldn’t be exactly how I would make it- with plumped pillows etc. He probably wouldn’t ‘reset’ a child’s bedroom if he was busy at work, or draw the curtains either if it was just him WFH.

What does he say when you talk about it?

I’m having an ongoing battle with my DH about wiping down the kitchen work surfaces after he has done his breakfast or lunch. Driving me crazy.

I’ve tried to pick my battles but all this does is make the relationship unbalanced (with me doing everything).

Not sure what to advise because I feel like I’ve turned into a full time nag.

@Cwackers
Your standards are your own personal standards. You need to find a happy medium where they meet with DH’s standards. You can’t ask more than you concede.
In your list I’d say that the dog is the only major issue here, so I’d personally focus on that.

I leave the bed covers pulled back and never make it up, needs to air out. That’s deliberate. Curtains wouldn’t bother me.

Rest needs doing obviously.

No. Tell him that you’d appreciate a team effort. It is learned laziness with men, act stupid to get away with doing normal daily tasks.
He can give the dog a five minute walk.

Show him that list 6 things - pick three each.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to share these tasks, but I think it’s unreasonable to insist they are all done first thing in the morning.

if you're tag teaming to get her ready, why is he not up when you leave? does he go back to bed?

I do think some of it is mismatched expectations. you care if the bed is made, he doesn't. personally I like it left open to air, we're all different. so you sort the bed etc.

do you really make a dishwasher full of washing up just for breakfast for you and dd as DH isn't even up?

I think he has a point about beds and curtains - I only ever make beds when I'm staying at someone else's house, and I wouldn't think to open the curtains in a room I'm not using - but the rest needs dividing up fairly.

I'm confused about the timings in a morning though - you said you tag team to help get your daughter ready, but then you said you leave the house at 7:45 and he gets up at 8? So is he helping in the morning or just lozzocking in bed?

We all have different standards. Plumping pillows and "resetting" a bedroom are just standards and if you want to do it crack on. But opening windows,, taking nappy bags to the bin, letting the dog out and clearing up after making food are essentials. those are the things you need to be talking to him about. If he won't do his fair share then get rid of him, as by refusing to do his share, is him showing you that he is a mysoginistic prick that thinks such jobs are for his housekeeper.

You say you tag team getting dd ready but that he gets up 8-8.30 after you leave for nursery? I think if he can’t do a few basic morning chores then you should swap and he do drop offs so you can use that pre work time. Maybe having that threat of his mini lie in taken away every day will get him to do the few jobs that need doing.

I don’t always do that type of stuff in the mornings so you do have higher standards than me 🙈but that’s my choice, affects nobody else and if DP was also working from home and said he needed those few bits done before he can start work (especially if I didn’t get out of bed till after 8am!), I’d definitely do them. It’s not a lot to ask. In fact if I saw him do the nursery run then race around doing jobs I could have done previously, I’d just start doing them without needing to be asked!

The OP has been clear that if she goes to the office, none if those things have been done when she comes back home at the end of the day (I’m hoping this doesn’t include taking the dog out)

Nah, he's just being lazy

No what she means is

• dishwasher is full of clean stuff after running during the night
• it needs emotyimg
• and loaded with breakfast stuff.

So basically, everything is left in the worktop for the house fairy to sort out…..

There has to be some compromising. U like a nice reset- he isn't bothered. Where can u meet in the middle? The reset wouldn't bother me creating bed and curtains. How about he does the school run and u do reset?

I don't make my bed till I'm ready to go to bed - when I get up I pull the covers back to air and leave it like that.

I think some is a mismatch of priorities and some is just laziness. Are there things he likes to do that you don’t see the point of? Essentials like clean crockery and taking the bins out need to be split, or at least ensure you have equal tasks in other areas.

We had a similar argument (difference is DH goes out to work and I wfh but I go downstairs with DS first to get him ready while DH showers etc.
Id go upstairs on my break to find curtains and windows closed, beds a mess and often his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor.

Solution here was for me to pick the things that bothered me most and raise them. I’ll make beds because he genuinely doesn’t care (and neither does DS), but I do. He does curtains/windows and puts his washing in the basket.
Dishwasher - if it needs emptying, can’t you delegate that to him but he can do it at some point during the day rather than first thing? If breakfast stuff is out, ignore as it’s his job (do you work in the kitchen so it’ll bother you?)

The dog - is he waiting for first wee of the day? If so, beyond cruel for no one to do it while getting dd ready. If not, 100% it becomes DHs job - or he can do the nursery drop off and you’ll do it.

@Cwackers you dint tag team.
You BOTH need to feel responsible for your dc and the HW to tag team. He doesn’t.
He doesn’t get up until late. He doesn’t empty the dishwasher. He doesn’t sort out the dirty nappies.
He is helping out I’m sure. But he isn’t feeling responsible for any of that.

Re making the bed.
Id be one of those people who dint make the bed. However, dh is very keen on it. So I AM doing the bed in the am, simply out if respect fur him. Know it’s important fur him. I do it because it literally takes 2 seconds and it’s very little to show I care. (And I dint when he isn’t at home 😁).

Make him take dc to nursery and you reset the house