Are my standards too high?

[Cwackers]

Fully prepared to be told I'm expecting too much but I'm getting frustrated with my husband at the state he leaves the house in the morning. We both wfh and I usually do the nursery run in the morning (he does pick up).

So I leave the house at 7:45am and he gets up and starts work between 8-830am. Usually when I get back from the nursery run (about 8:25 and I start work at 8:30), I then have to do the following things because he has literally just got out of bed and walked into his office;

Let the dog out
Make the bed
Open the curtains and blinds throughout the house
Collect dirty cups from the bedroom (we have a morning coffee in bed) and take them downstairs
Reset our daughters room (make bed, open curtains, collect dirty nappy bags and take downstairs)
Empty and reload dishwasher

Then start work.

I've brought it up before and he just says he doesn't think things like making the bed or opening the curtains are important and he 'doesn't notice'. I like a nice, reset house to start work in the morning.

On the odd days I have to leave the house for work, I often return home in the evening the same situation, so it's not just a preference for when these things get done.

Am I being too particular and high maintenance?

Of course making the bed is a preference- if you are not in the armed forces that is. Everyone has different priorities, which are personal preference.

Of course making the bed is a preference- if you are not in the armed forces that is. Everyone has different priorities, which are personal preference.

Opening the curtains is not personal preference, if the curtains haven't been opened then no doubt the windows haven't been opened and that means the room hasn't been aired, that means mould is being allowed to grow and that isn't good.

Oops that wasn't meant for you - thought I replied directly to someone else.. hmm.. yeah, I understand you / anyone who does this also has to live like that but the only alternative then is something worse. Go live elsewhere for a while. If that doesn't work or wake him up then I don't know what your options are.

But he isn’t doing it at all. So no the coffee cups don’t need to be done first thing but eventually they do, same with the curtains and dishwasher
it seems he would just never do it and expect the magic house fairy to

Wtf is a reset? It's tidying up, that's it. You don't need to make shit up for the same shit people have done since houses were a thing.

You don't need to do all of that straight away. Beds need time to air before being covered up. I think I'd rebel as well.

I thought I was slovenly going by all the competitive bedlinen washing threads but I do make the bed and draw the curtains every day and thought everyone did. I don't think I could live with someone who didn't have the same expectations. Not much help to you OP but has your DP always been like this?

Why? Because the house slowly descends into a tip otherwise.

That would annoy me. But he’s using the man saying of ‘I don’t care about it so I won’t do it’ as they enjoy the clean tidy house that you doing it brings.

Yep as I said he should be sharing the load?

Oh, come on.

There's certain minimum standards.

Surely there's minimum standards, right?

OP21 - it's not expectations, it's normative standards.

Goodness me, I'm quire relaxed about things, but...you can't not drawer the curtains and a day that the bed isn't mad is massively beyond the pale....even on those days when you're only out of bed for a couple of hours..

Jesus - some people on here seem to have standards and values of a 20 yr old male student.

Not even fine for a 20 yr old male student.

I have to specifically ask DH to air all the bedrooms as he wouldn't do it otherwise. So no, it isn't you having high expectations OP. Many of us feel this should be getting done.

After sleeping all night the bedrooms need freshened up.

Either this or (sorry, sorry, sorry!) give him a list. Not a short one either.

It's not fucking good enough.

He's the sort that will think the divorce came out of nowhere.

He will probably never do it. You have to decide how important this is to you in the grand scheme of things.

You shouldn't be making the bed just after getting up. Beds need to be aired with open windows. I don't make the bed until after lunch.

It sounds to me like he can't be arsed and he knows you'll do it all if he leaves it. Not even letting the poor dog out, knowing that he/she will need to go out?

It takes a literal minute to either make the bed or fold the duvet back to air and open the curtains. Bare minimum.

I feel that as you are leaving the house, he should do these things while you're out then you can both start work with a coffee in hand. Its a 10 min job.

So then yes this is high expectations and personal preference. None of these things NEED to be done. Nothing will break or stop working if you don’t do them. It’s entirely a personal choice of yourself. And OP.

Let's get those bedrooms aired OP's DH!!😂

Let the dog out - Fair enough, takes 2 minutes to open the door, you don't need to stand there and watch.

Who's dog is it? The one who wanted the dog needs to care for it. If you both wanted a dog then yeah, that's a shared role and sounds like continent for him to do.

Make the bed - Just, why?

Yup, needless job, the one who thinks it's a worthwhile task should do it.

Open the curtains and blinds throughout the house - Agree with your husband, closed curtains doesn't affect mess or the running of the house.

Yup, just do them as you come to them. (Did they all need to be closed?)

Collect dirty cups from the bedroom (we have a morning coffee in bed) and take them downstairs

Yup, that needs doing but it can just be done as you're going downstairs, it shouldn't be a standalone "job". So yeah, put that on a list as his job to be done by a certain time.

Reset our daughters room (make bed, open curtains, collect dirty nappy bags and take downstairs) -

Nappys need to go downstairs, for sure. Can't you keep a box at the top of the stairs for all the stuff that needs to go down and then whoever is passing takes it down?

Empty and reload dishwasher

Yup, put that on a list for him. Mind you, the dishwasher needs to be emptied as soon as it finishes, so dirty stuff can go straight in. Otherwise you're handling stuff twice which is the path to madness.

Unaired bedrooms are rank.

This new internet meme that you have to throw your windows open every day to stop mould growth is bullshit- if you have a decent house, which was well designed with no incipient damp this is completely unnecessary. I live in a house built in 1897 I have never thrown the windows open in the winter, there are trickle vents these days, but even before we had those we never had any mould despite not throwing windows open except when it is hot.

i completely disagree.

Back in the day, houses had better ventilation due to having chimneys and draughty windows.

Trickle vents in windows only became compulsory in most new windows in June 2022 because midern windows are far more airtight than older windows.

I can assure you that MIL's house had damp and mould after her chimney was blocked off because her windows didn't have trickle vents and she never opened them.

So, it isn't bullshit at all.

Houses have to have some kind of ventilation to prevent mould. It's basic science.

im not bothered about a morning reset, and if my dh ordered me to make the bed every day I’d probably suggest to him he could do it if he was so bothered.

I'm not bothered by a morning reset but there are plenty of tasks that I deem important. I just quietly do them, I wouldn't expect someone else to do them.

I'm also astonished that the OP (and so many others) only discover this incompatibility after it's difficult to get out of the relationship. The OP would have been way better off walking away from the unsuitable partner before marriage and children. Now their lives are impossibly tangled it's all way more complicated.

Modern windows, not midern windows.