Are my standards too high?

[Cwackers]

Fully prepared to be told I'm expecting too much but I'm getting frustrated with my husband at the state he leaves the house in the morning. We both wfh and I usually do the nursery run in the morning (he does pick up).

So I leave the house at 7:45am and he gets up and starts work between 8-830am. Usually when I get back from the nursery run (about 8:25 and I start work at 8:30), I then have to do the following things because he has literally just got out of bed and walked into his office;

Let the dog out
Make the bed
Open the curtains and blinds throughout the house
Collect dirty cups from the bedroom (we have a morning coffee in bed) and take them downstairs
Reset our daughters room (make bed, open curtains, collect dirty nappy bags and take downstairs)
Empty and reload dishwasher

Then start work.

I've brought it up before and he just says he doesn't think things like making the bed or opening the curtains are important and he 'doesn't notice'. I like a nice, reset house to start work in the morning.

On the odd days I have to leave the house for work, I often return home in the evening the same situation, so it's not just a preference for when these things get done.

Am I being too particular and high maintenance?

So left to himself, he would just sit in the dark?

I don’t believe a word of it.

You should go away for a few days.

I was always opening the curtains and blinds every morning and then shutting them all at night. Drove me a bit crazy but DH would just not be bothered about these things and would likely sit all day with everything shut. I doubt he’d even notice!

Anyway we have shutters now so much easier but I still do it.

I think there are lots of things I do that he simply has no idea about 🤷‍♀️

Ofc the OP can do all of that and with a bit of luck her dh will listen and step up. Like your dh did.

But I always find it galling that those men need to be told, for boundaries to clearly (and sometimes harshly) drawn. Because otherwise they just lean back and act as if their wife was a maid.

Like your dh can argue about making the bed or opening windows.
But not letting the dog out?
Not taking dirty nappies to the bin outside?
Not emptying the dishwasher and leaving the breakfast stuff on the work top?
Come on. That’s not having too high standards. Nor should it need to be laid out as ‘this is your responsibility and this is is mine’. It should be BOTH partners responsibility. Both should do it wo a lengthy discussion but as a matter of fact.

So are you tag teaming getting her ready in the mornings or is he just getting out of bed and walking t his computer?

I suspect hed open the living room curtains and that’s it. Just the room he is using.

And then leave them close in the bedrooms etc…. ICan see someone saying ‘whats the point? When I next go in, it will be evening and dark’.

Things like not letting the dog out to pee, take for a walk is crap, these are living things that rely on us and to ignore their needs is shitty. And stinking nappies is pretty horrible not to deal with too.

Nothing wrong with standards, your husband is lazy. He could easily get up 15 mins earlier and help you out - he'd have to get up a whole lot earlier if he had a commute so it's just being idle and leaving it to you.

When people say what is the point to something that you care about then what that is actually saying is i don't care enough about you to make an effort for something that is important to you. I pointed this out to DH and his effort improved for a bit.

Swap nursery schedule around - he drops off and you pick up.

Do neither of you walk the dig? Other than that, you’re being a mug.

Exactly this.
When someone cannot be bothered to make an effort (and we aren't talking about grand gestures here) for something that matters to a person they are supposed to love, it says a lot about how they view that person.

This is worth a read. He has extended it into a book version which is also worth a read. But every single time a partner leaves something that matters to the other, they might as well just say fuck you.

She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink | HuffPost Life share.google/sLEjnypizkvXwXNQ6

Who goes downstairs to do the coffee and bring it back up to bed? (or stupid question?)

It might need fire with fire. Not in a petty way: and do warn him in advance that you need to show him what it feels like for you because although it's different standards, that doesn't work as an excuse not to respect how it makes you feel. Men used to risk their lives daily for their families, now they won't even wipe down a fucking surface to prove they care.

Stop wiping the surfaces down, leave every spill, leave every crumb until they go mouldy, add as much as you can yourself until he feels the same as you about the disgusting state and don't back down. Obviously keep communication open and apologise because it will come across as petty but how else do you get people to understand who don't experience that sensation until it gets reeeeally bad?

Could you switch things around and he does the nursery drop off and you do the house reset?

Some of these are essential and some are just your standards being higher than his.

Let the dog out - depends if this is necessary for the dog's welfare - is it for exercise or to pee in your garden? Does he consider it to be 'your' dog. Who bought the dog?

Make the bed - not essential

Open the curtains and blinds throughout the house - not essential

Collect dirty cups from the bedroom (we have a morning coffee in bed) and take them downstairs - technically not essential. You could leave them there until either you run out of mugs in the kitchen, or they start growing mould. Or more likely just take them down later in the day.

Reset our daughters room (make bed, open curtains, - not essential

collect dirty nappy bags and take downstairs) - Yes he should do this, it is basic hygiene. Is it just the nappy change from overnight and/or early morning? Presumably you leave it there at the time of changing as you don't want to go downstairs during the night, you want to get back to bed asap. Perhaps you need to rethink this whole routine and who takes responsibility for DC.

Empty and reload dishwasher - technically it could be left until the evening, depends on how much cutlery and crockery you have. If you have enough for several meals, perhaps he thinks it is okay to leave it until you actually need clean things? But that is a stretch, so I agree with you that it needs to be done regularly in a routine to prevent a backlog of unwashed stuff building up.

The solution is to meet in the middle - identify what is really essential and make sure he does his fair share of those things. Don't make him open curtains or make beds if there is no actual need.

I'm afraid I'm more with your husband on most of this.
Apart from dog, little is essential and can be done as and when someone has a spare minute or is going up/downstairs anyway.

He gets up to make the coffee/help with our daughter then gets back into bed for a bit to scroll on his phone before getting up and starting work.

The dog usually requires cajoling downstairs in the morning but still needs to go out for a wee. He gets walked late morning by me or our dog walker depending on the day.

I generally work later than him, hence I do the drop offs.

I know none of this stuff is essential and it's just a mismatch in standards. But I think the posters saying it shows he doesn't care hit the nail on the head. I've told him so many times that coming back to curtains drawn, messy bed, cups/nappies left out, drawers and wardrobe doors open etc make me feel overwhelmed and stressed before the day has even begun. He just shrugs and says he can't see why. It shouldn't matter why, I'm telling him it does. I'm not even expecting him to do all of the above things, just doing some of them would help me feel calmer.

But it's never done if I left it to him? If I have to go into office the house is still in a state when I get home.

If he just did it on a break or at lunchtime, I could compromise with that.

If he can’t see why leaving nappies lying around (even in bags) is disgusting, then you have a huge problem on your hands tbh.

This wouldn't work as his mental state/emotions are genuinely not affected by tidiness/mess/dirt.

And I'd have to live in this state. No win here.

Why not just accept that you are different- he must have strengths that lie elsewhere?

Or tell him that he needs to do these tasks 3 days a week?

On the other hand, if I put his socks in the wash basket because he left them on the floor he goes mental because 'I'd only worn them for an hour and was going to wear them again, now they've touched dirty clothes so I'll have to wash them'.

He genuinely can't see the double standard here!

He gets up to make the coffee/help with our daughter then gets back into bed for a bit to scroll on his phone before getting up and starting work.

Why?why does he think it’s ok fir him to just go back to bed when the dog needs a wee, the dishwasher needs emptying?
If he can’t see why it’s an issue, have you asked him what’s going to hapoen if you just stop doing all of that. What’s his answer?
What if you actually stop doing all of that? You stop emptying the dishwasher, stop putting the washing to go. Stop coaxing the dog to go out for a wee. Stop puttimg nappies in the bin and ket him put his baby to bed. What would he do then?

He doesn’t see the issue because you’re doing it. Him not being bothered has no cost to him. Selfish attitude to say the least.
Time to stop rescuing him.

If you always do it, then he is never going to even think about doing it, because it's done by you.

I agree with PP that the dog is the only essential thing that needs doing before work. You like a tidy reset house first thing, he isn't bothered about that.
Hopefully he does do other useful things in the household?

I am the type of person who leaves things to get untidy over the day then clears everything up at once. My husband is the type of person who clears up constantly as he goes. Neither of us is right or wrong, we're just different.

D'yer know what?

I'll let you into a secret (well, not really a secret cos I've said it previously on here, but anyway).

I'm a fella - first came on here 15 plus years ago as a sensible place to get some advice/thoughts/experience/perspective on a couple of things.

I've popped on every now and again for similar over the years.

Lovely family life but now separated.

I can't help noticing through viewing this site that some fellas' day-to-day behaviours and attitudes are absolutely appalling/comical/shit.

Grown men playing x-box in their 30s/40s? Absolute jokers.

Others who can't/won't lift a finger in the house. Tell them to fucking buck their ideas up.

Now, I know this isn't all men - and I'm sure that some women can be a nightmare to be with - but...wht have we come to as a society when it seems that quite a few people seem to be incapable of being proper grown up adults anymore who can't confirm to certain norms and standards - even the bare minimum.

Don't like making the bed? Well fucking suck it up and get on with, you prick. How fucking hard can it be?

Now...my wife was a 100 per cent tidy, 100 per cent of the time kind of woman and we certainly had words about this over the years.

I'm a 95 per cent, 95 per cent of the time kinda guy.

Leave time for other stuff otherwise you're neglecting important areas of your life.

And being "good enough" is perfectly fine as a parent a lot of the time (unless you have shit standards). Don't put too much pressure on yourself when you're a younger parent; you're doing fine (unless you have shit standards).

To sum up, anyone who vapes like they're dependent on a dummy, can't or won't do chores or cooking (or share them out fairly) is an absolute dickhead.

Anyway, a male perspective there for you if you're at all interested.

I can't be that magnificent though, as I'm now separated, but there you go - we were getting on each other's nerves for years, so fair enough.

While I'm on, if you are a 40/50 something multi-millionaires or similar and looking for an absolute nob 'ead, feel free to to DM me 😍

It would if he has no clothes to wear, he has to stop his meeting because the dog is barking because he needs a wee.
It would if there was no plates left. Or no cups because they’re all upstairs.

Does it mean you’d have to live with the mess furca few days.p? Yep. But if you carry on doing it all, Theres no way he’ll change.