Are my standards too high?

[Cwackers]

Fully prepared to be told I'm expecting too much but I'm getting frustrated with my husband at the state he leaves the house in the morning. We both wfh and I usually do the nursery run in the morning (he does pick up).

So I leave the house at 7:45am and he gets up and starts work between 8-830am. Usually when I get back from the nursery run (about 8:25 and I start work at 8:30), I then have to do the following things because he has literally just got out of bed and walked into his office;

Let the dog out
Make the bed
Open the curtains and blinds throughout the house
Collect dirty cups from the bedroom (we have a morning coffee in bed) and take them downstairs
Reset our daughters room (make bed, open curtains, collect dirty nappy bags and take downstairs)
Empty and reload dishwasher

Then start work.

I've brought it up before and he just says he doesn't think things like making the bed or opening the curtains are important and he 'doesn't notice'. I like a nice, reset house to start work in the morning.

On the odd days I have to leave the house for work, I often return home in the evening the same situation, so it's not just a preference for when these things get done.

Am I being too particular and high maintenance?

I feel sorry for the dog!

I think I’d suggest he takes your daughter to nursery a few days a week so that you can get all of this done. There’s more than one way to tag team and him going back to bed on his phone instead of basic house stuff (nappies, let the dog out so he doesn’t wee in the house, curtains, beds made) isn’t on- it’s basic.

See to me, this is the type of thing you have as a standard and then you meet someone who has been raised similarly. You cant expect someone who has never been taught that this is the way to do things to suddenly agree and start.

BTW I agree everyone can live as they want but I don’t know anyone who doesn’t make their bed (by which I include turning it back and leaving it that way) and draw the curtains every morning. If a family member/ good friend of mine was leaving the bed as it had been slept in and curtains closed all the time I’d be worried they were depressed!

For me, optional cleaning is things like hoovering and dusting every day, bleaching worktops, bleaching bathrooms, washing things like sofa covers, cleaning inside of cupboards, polishing etc. Not daily stuff like making beds, drawing curtains and dealing with dirty crockery.

Give him more jobs that he does care about - drop the rope a little. Pick and choose which jobs that you and your husband do.

He won't do the curtains etc. so stop doing something that you don't like doing but your husband cares about. Strategy required!

You'd be surprised at how some people live. Most of my clients do not make their beds, or open the curtains. They have them shut most of the time. All Summer! Drives me mad!

Their kids of all ages also go in the living room in the middle of the day and shut all the curtains and stay in the dark. Dirty plates and cups all over the house and under the bed.

I would suggest to him you need to separate the tasks more fairly. As he does f all in the mornings, you will do all those things you stated so he has to drop off DD. You can then take it in turns to do pick up (assuming things are otherwise fair the rest of the day). Fair division. If he complains, put it in a time spent perspective - you should have equal free time. Currently you don’t because he gets all morning every day whilst you are running around.

And if he complains he has to work because leaves early for pick up, tell him to start work at 7:45 (or whatever time you start your tasks) like you do so that he can take the time out for the school run later

Do you think that a grown man is just going to do as he is told? How will you make him do these things if he doesn't want to?

Good point, but to start the conversation in terms of ‘there is an unfair division of labour here and this is my suggestion to fix it’ then becomes a discussion of ‘so what is your alternative proposal to ensure fairness’ when he pushes back. I think this is a different conversation to ‘please please please make the bed’ - ‘no I don’t see the point’. That is why I added the point about fair division of time. It is very hard to argue he has so much more time so what is he going to say? ‘Yes I know I have a leisurely morning whilst you run around like a mad thing but I just don’t care so suck it up?’ Hard sell that one.

The thing is, if you want the house tidy in the morning and I'm not bothered, it doesnt make it "fair" to ignore that I think it is unnecessary and for me to pitch in and do something that I find a waste of energy at a time I want to chill out.

You're saying it's fair that I help out because you want a tidy house. So If I want a weeded garden every morning, is it fair I get you up to start gardening at 7am?

It doesn't work like that. You have to find someone who thinks the things you find important are important, too.

I think some things are a nice to have and some things are essential, some are essential but not at a specific time.

If he doesn't think that it's important to open all the blinds in the house first thing then it's probably difficult to argue this. Unless he is saying he wants them closed permanently, which in my house would result in mould all over the window frame. And if he is saying it doesn't have to be done first thing, then when, and who does it? Same with the dishwasher, maybe it doesn't need to be done before you start work but it clearly needs to be done at some point so who does it and when? As leaving it until you're cooking / in the middle of evening chaos isn't sensible. There is absolutely no way that he can argue that the dog doesn't need to be let out.

It seems unfair if you're ending up doing a load of jobs while he gets to sleep. Without an equivalent rest time for you later while he gets on with it. So I think you need to sit down together and see

• does he think some of these jobs just shouldn't be done? Of so you will have to accept that you do these
• does he agree some jobs need to be done but not necessarily at the beginning of the day? If so who is responsible for doing them and when, and how can you make sure that they actually do get done and not just left til the last minute when it causes an issue (lime you're running out of cups because they're all in your bedroom)
• does he agree that some jobs (eg taking dirty nappies out of a bedroom so they don't stink., letting the dog out) need to be done within a certain time frame. How can these be shared? And if they fall to you 'because you're up anyway' how can that be made fair / balanced out with other stuff he does?

I think everything you mentioned is a basic but I don’t ever make the bed. I leave it folded back to air all day. Saves me a tiny bit of time and nobody is going in there anyway. Leaving curtains closed is ridiculous of him.