Are my standards too high?

[Cwackers]

Fully prepared to be told I'm expecting too much but I'm getting frustrated with my husband at the state he leaves the house in the morning. We both wfh and I usually do the nursery run in the morning (he does pick up).

So I leave the house at 7:45am and he gets up and starts work between 8-830am. Usually when I get back from the nursery run (about 8:25 and I start work at 8:30), I then have to do the following things because he has literally just got out of bed and walked into his office;

Let the dog out
Make the bed
Open the curtains and blinds throughout the house
Collect dirty cups from the bedroom (we have a morning coffee in bed) and take them downstairs
Reset our daughters room (make bed, open curtains, collect dirty nappy bags and take downstairs)
Empty and reload dishwasher

Then start work.

I've brought it up before and he just says he doesn't think things like making the bed or opening the curtains are important and he 'doesn't notice'. I like a nice, reset house to start work in the morning.

On the odd days I have to leave the house for work, I often return home in the evening the same situation, so it's not just a preference for when these things get done.

Am I being too particular and high maintenance?

That would drive me nuts!!

why can’t one of you walk the dog in the morning while the other gets your child ready for nursery? Or one of you get up earlier & walk the dog before your child awakens? It’s cruel to your dog that they’re only getting let out after everything else is getting done. If you’ve time to drink coffee in bed you’ve time to walk the dog !!
why do you leave dirty nappy bags in your child’s room? Can these not go straight in the bin? Why not run the dishwasher in the early evening & empty it before bed ? I’m a bed maker curtain opener house reset daily person it takes no time at all to do these things - your husband sounds bone idle if I’m honest. It would be different if you weren’t working & had time to do everything but he’s WFH too & needs to meet you halfway. Speak to him & agree a mutually acceptable plan.

Absolutely! Everyone is capable to do the bed,’open curtains. Its just laziness at this point, quite embarrassing actually

Letting the dogs out and nappies in bin are a must, but the other things are subjective.

Let the dog out - Fair enough, takes 2 minutes to open the door, you don't need to stand there and watch.

Make the bed - Just, why?

Open the curtains and blinds throughout the house - Agree with your husband, closed curtains doesn't affect mess or the running of the house.

Collect dirty cups from the bedroom (we have a morning coffee in bed) and take them downstairs - sure, i guess but nothing that can't wait

Reset our daughters room (make bed, open curtains, collect dirty nappy bags and take downstairs) - Probably the only thing on this list you have a good point about.

Empty and reload dishwasher - why does this need to be done first thing in a morning?

Sounds like laziness and poor habits to me.

is he useful in other ways eg makes dinner for everyone and clears up after himself; does laundry and admin and “yard work”?

He sounds like my cave-dwelling 17 yo.
He doesn't sound like my mature adult 27 yo.

The 17 yo will do those things around the house, but his bedroom is his domain so the blind is often down, the bed unmade and cups collect.
In a grown man living in a family home it's pretty grotty. Does he like the bed being made and the curtains open?

If he won't do (some)things which are important to you....he doesn't love you. Therefore what's the point of being with him?

Opening curtains and making the bed is personal preference.
Reasonable to ask him to unload the dishwasher in the morning though while you are on the nursery run. Or even better get him to do the nursery run.

Ok you open the curtains and make the bed- but he should do at least half of the other chores.

He wouldn't be able to live in a permanently dark house with dog piss on the carpet and stinking nappies. So he'd have to do it. But he knows full well that his wife appliance will kick into action.

Really? Making the bed is a preference?
That's a pretty low bar - at the very least the duvet needs a shake and the sheets need a brush down even if you don't actually make it.

Most people open curtains in the day.

Surely the answer is that he takes DD to nursery while you do the house stuff? I'd be annoyed that I don't get to do drop offs because I'm married to a neanderthal - but it was your choice to marry him so you'll just have to suck it up.

ETA I can't believe the number of people who think opening curtains, making a bed, taking dirty crockery to the kitchen is optional. We've been out of caves since pre-historic times. Life isn't so busy for ANYONE that basic things that take 4 minutes can't be done on the daily.

The dishwasher, the dog, the dirty dishes, DD's nappy bin - these aren't negotiables that that are a matter of lifestyle, they are things that need doing in order to be able to have clean dishes, a healthy dog and a non-rank bedroom.

The curtains and remaking the bed are more of a "lifestyle choice" though I'd be wondering if I was with the right person if he didn't want them in his life - was he always like this or is it just since DD has come along?

Unless he does a whole heal of chores that you don't, I'd be having a fit at him, to be honest. He's leaving it because he knows you'll just do it. It's nasty to treat you like that, huge lack of respect and love.

Duvets don't need shaking daily and sheets don't need brushing down daily. It's nicer if that's done IMO nowadays, but it's not a need at all and it's not something I noticed at all when I was a student.

He should get up earlier and help with his own kid. Cf.

Fair enough, I guess we all have different standards (the whole thread topic in fact!).
I like to brush off the hair and dead skin and give the duvet a good old shake.

These are all very good ways of urbanising things too.

But where is the but where it’s her DH that does half of the chores?
Because from what the OP said, I’m 100% sure she would end up doing ALL of it in her own. Just at a different time.
Which is absolutely not the point.
Oh abd she’d be expected to give up some sleep too whilst her dh would carry on laying around in bed until he is ready to work.

I think you are well within your rights to want to have a household where everything is fair to a certain extent. It's important for the other half of the relationship to understand what load you have even if it doesn't seem important to them.

We tried a few apps along the way before settling on one called Equal House, it will help you but only so far as the other half needs to be onboard regardless.

You could try and maybe stop doing something that is more relatable to him, clothes washing, ironing, food or something along those lines?

This.

im not bothered about a morning reset, and if my dh ordered me to make the bed every day I’d probably suggest to him he could do it if he was so bothered.

the dog obviously needs to be let out.

We do similar but the person who does drop off should also tidy up the breakfast dishes, empty the dishwasher in the morning etc and then the person that does pick up does dinner. Does he do dinner OP?

Different standards. I really couldn't get too worked up about a bed cover or cushion not being perfect and curtains opened immediately. Other things however, like the dishwasher, cleaning up cups, washing up etc should be equal . Why doesn't he let the dog out? If you both WFH, would it not be a better approach for one of you to walk the dog whilst the other gets the child ready for school?

What am I missing? Why doesn't the dog go out while the coffee is being made? The dishwasher could be emptied at the same time?

I'd open the curtains but I was always told beds need to air out for at least a couple of hours after people have got out, so I'd leave those pulled back. If you've only got one coffee mug each in the bedroom, you each take your own down.

Put all DDs nappies in a bag outside her room on the landing. Whoever goes down with a free hand takes that down (and if your DH forgets, he'll trip over it on his way out).

I then have to do the following things

You don't though. Other than letting the dog out, these things are a choice because you think a reset house is necessary in the morning.

I very often don't make the bed...for the teenagers rooms, unmade beds are the least of our problems 🙄 and for ours and ds3's, I really don't care. Same with curtains. I swish open the living room curtains on autopilot but if bedroom curtains are shut, well I might not even notice until bedtime.

If dh started insisting I make beds in the morning we'd probably have words.

The more important point is really what happens the rest of the day. If he doesn't lift a finger morning till night, morning curtains and mugs aren't what you should be focussing on.

I think you need to separate out what actually needs to be done from what you like to have done.
Needs doing: letting the dog out, nappy bags and dishwasher (including coffee cups, but you should each bring down your own when you finish your coffee)
Preference: making the beds, curtains and blinds.
He needs to do the needs, or else he needs to do the nursery drop off. I would pull him out of work to do it if he hasn't (provided he's not actually in a meeting). He doesn't get out of it because he's started work: each thing takes less time than a trip to the loo.

Her husband sounds infuriatingly lazy….. he absolutely should be sharing the load 50/50. It’s situations like this that have made me decide to leave relationships