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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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SmallDFartyCarNRG · 07/10/2026 14:02

Tonty · 07/10/2026 13:58

What's the point of recommending solutions that have never been widely practised and have no realistic chance of being adopted? Apart from a few small, isolated communities centuries ago, they've never been the norm, and before you ask, no, I don't have a better idea but I'm not going to suggest something I know is completely impractical.

And it does work, more of these springing up https://www.newgroundcohousing.uk/

New Ground Cohousing

Older Women's Co-Housing is a group of women who are creating their own community.

https://www.newgroundcohousing.uk

Sparrowsandbudgies · 07/10/2026 14:07

HobGobblynne · 07/10/2026 13:32

Not quite. I'm not posting to be deliberately vague, but there genuinely is sometimes a need to refrain from the standard assumptions.

Obviously it wouldn't change how we feel about the death of a woman and mother. It's devastating.

You must know him personally or something. Thats the only explanation for being so cryptic and dismissive.

SmallDFartyCarNRG · 07/10/2026 14:17

Sparrowsandbudgies · 07/10/2026 14:07

You must know him personally or something. Thats the only explanation for being so cryptic and dismissive.

Just someone who wants us to stop talking about it I suspect. Wishfully thinking it is something other than just another violent man who hasn't learnt to use his words.

Duncantoldme2 · 07/10/2026 14:26

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c64g7n0vn2g2o

A university has launched an investigation into claims members of a rugby club planned to spike female students during freshers' week.
The University of Bath said it has increased security in nightclubs in response to "frightening" rumours circulating on social media which associate the university rugby club with "disturbing and unacceptable behaviour towards female students."

Three cocktail glasses with orange, foamy liquid inside, and straws balanced on top, sit on a bar table, with three other shot glasses with clear liquid in.

'Frightening' spiking claims investigated by Bath uni

The University of Bath has increased security in nightclubs after claims circulated on social media.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c64g7n0vn2g2o

SmallDFartyCarNRG · 07/10/2026 14:32

@Duncantoldme2 terrifying. I actually had to double check the date on that as I remember a similar story from a few years back. Why aren't these men progressing?

SockPlant · 07/10/2026 14:32

HobGobblynne · 07/10/2026 13:16

There's actually more to this than you'd think at first read. It's a diabolical tragedy, but not quite as straightforward as evil partner/domestic violence

Go on then - what did she do to deserve it?

SockPlant · 07/10/2026 14:37

HobGobblynne · 07/10/2026 13:32

Not quite. I'm not posting to be deliberately vague, but there genuinely is sometimes a need to refrain from the standard assumptions.

Obviously it wouldn't change how we feel about the death of a woman and mother. It's devastating.

Sounds like excuses to me

bigboykitty · 07/10/2026 14:38

Ihateboris · 06/10/2026 20:39

I know I'll be slated for saying it, but quite frankly I don't trust any man. I believe most men would hurt/rape/murder a woman if they thought they could get away with it. Jesus, we can't even trust police officers. Misogyny is getting worse, not better.

We especially can't trust police officers.

Ihateboris · 07/10/2026 14:40

SockPlant · 07/10/2026 14:32

Go on then - what did she do to deserve it?

She did nothing to deserve it.

NoisyBrickDog · 07/10/2026 14:49

bigboykitty · 07/10/2026 14:38

We especially can't trust police officers.

or doctors, teachers, mechanics, army, navy, boyfriends, husbands.....

The list goes on

Duncantoldme2 · 07/10/2026 14:51

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cn02xwzvd90o

In 2016, Mr Pattison contacted police to say he had been assaulted by his wife. No action was taken due to a lack of evidence.
Surrey Police said that at the time it did not identify any abuse by Mr Pattison, but has now said the allegation he made against his wife was part of his controlling behaviour.

'Allegation was clearly abuse'

Ch Supt Clive Davies said: “The allegation of assault made by Mr Pattison against Mrs Pattison in 2016 was investigated thoroughly at the time and coercive controlling behaviour was not identified.
“Although Mrs Pattison never made any allegations of domestic abuse or coercive controlling behaviour against her husband, our understanding and response to coercive controlling behaviour is significantly more advanced now, and our officers and staff are trained to recognise the signs, the homicide timeline and high-risk factors.
“Looked at through the lens of what ultimately happened, the incident in 2016 was clearly part of Mr Pattison’s controlling behaviour.”

A woman with blonde hair stood to the left of a man with black hair. they are stood behind a young girl with brown hair. They are stood outside in front of brown trees. They are all smiling and facing the camera

Epsom: Man who killed wife and family 'clearly' abusive - police

Police said a report by a man who claimed he had been hit by his wife was part of his abuse.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cn02xwzvd90o

Duncantoldme2 · 07/10/2026 14:51

NoisyBrickDog · 07/10/2026 14:49

or doctors, teachers, mechanics, army, navy, boyfriends, husbands.....

The list goes on

Men. I think is the word.

Cicchetti · 07/10/2026 14:55

Ok 🙄

OP posts:
childrenaremyworld · 07/10/2026 15:03

I’m trying really hard to believe it’s ‘not all men’. However all I read about on the news is violent crimes against women and children. Each time my faith in men is squashed. I’m trying very hard to bring my son up correctly to stand up for women’s rights and show respect. I’m having to have discussions with my 13yr old daughter about male violence towards girls and women. I truly fear for her safety as she becomes more independent. After leaving a long term abusive marriage I will never be able to trust men again completely. Fortunately my son is determined to become the complete opposite to my exh, but unfortunately both my children were witness and experienced dv. I don’t know the solution, apart from educating boys from a young age.

GreenCandleWax · 07/10/2026 15:21

MotherofPearl · 06/10/2026 17:01

It’s so disturbing. But yes, it does feel like all men. Look at how many seemingly “normal” men were implicated in the Pelicot case.

And now there is a similar case from the Manchester area. Sean Peers (who has been given bail !) and eleven other men are charged with doing this to a woman whose husband has been drugging her for 20 years. A year or two ago, you would think "Unbelievable", but not now.😱

ginasevern · 07/10/2026 15:53

I think most men would drug, rape or sexually assault on some level if they thought they could get away with it. And I wouldn't trust the police any further than I could throw them. Misogyny and VAWG is getting worse and I think we mostly have the internet to thank for that. It's been god's gift to men.

Sparrowsandbudgies · 07/10/2026 15:57

ginasevern · 07/10/2026 15:53

I think most men would drug, rape or sexually assault on some level if they thought they could get away with it. And I wouldn't trust the police any further than I could throw them. Misogyny and VAWG is getting worse and I think we mostly have the internet to thank for that. It's been god's gift to men.

I think the internet is way too unmoderated. Not just in this sort of instance but almost every single way. There’s no one “real” to report anything to. Everything just continues to exist online for everyone and anyone to access.

ginasevern · 07/10/2026 16:01

Sparrowsandbudgies · 07/10/2026 15:57

I think the internet is way too unmoderated. Not just in this sort of instance but almost every single way. There’s no one “real” to report anything to. Everything just continues to exist online for everyone and anyone to access.

I totally agree. It has offered an almost unrestricted gateway to unbelievable evil where like minded people can co-ordinate harm to people and animals in ways not previously possible.

theslowdown · 07/10/2026 16:33

And another one today, Gisele Pelicot-style...

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/oct/07/man-pleads-guilty-sexual-assault-woman-drugged-husband

Hiredgun · 07/10/2026 16:55

It’s absolutely horrendous and not sure if we’ll ever see an end to it.

And then we see murders such as this below with not even a custodial sentence. Law is a complete joke.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ck98zezr4v0ro

likelysuspect · 07/10/2026 16:58

TallSturdyGirls · 07/10/2026 07:52

Having worked with the police pretty certain they harbour more violent men than other professions. The culture in many forces is more misogynistic and racist than the average place of work.

Statistically I believe its abattoir workers.

NoisyBrickDog · 07/10/2026 17:04

Hiredgun · 07/10/2026 16:55

It’s absolutely horrendous and not sure if we’ll ever see an end to it.

And then we see murders such as this below with not even a custodial sentence. Law is a complete joke.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ck98zezr4v0ro

Edited

She had very bad PTSD
I wonder if this was caused by years of abuse....?

Hiredgun · 07/10/2026 17:04

childrenaremyworld · 07/10/2026 15:03

I’m trying really hard to believe it’s ‘not all men’. However all I read about on the news is violent crimes against women and children. Each time my faith in men is squashed. I’m trying very hard to bring my son up correctly to stand up for women’s rights and show respect. I’m having to have discussions with my 13yr old daughter about male violence towards girls and women. I truly fear for her safety as she becomes more independent. After leaving a long term abusive marriage I will never be able to trust men again completely. Fortunately my son is determined to become the complete opposite to my exh, but unfortunately both my children were witness and experienced dv. I don’t know the solution, apart from educating boys from a young age.

Not denying that men commit the vast majority of violent crimes. But in the last few months, there’s been a fair few women too…

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ck98zezr4v0ro

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cjkgezk4xnkko

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c998dxxe03do

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62xpre63j2o

https://www.gmp.police.uk/news/greater-manchester/news/news/2026/july/woman-who-murdered-husband-with-a-vegetable-knife-is-jailed-for-life/

https://www.westmercia.police.uk/news/west-mercia/news/2026/june/woman-jailed-for-daughters-murder/

www.essex.police.uk/news/essex/news/news/2026/february/clacton-murderer-jailed-life/

A woman in her 40s with blonde hair tied back, wearing a leopard-print scarf and a black cat. She has a cigarette in her mouth and is looking at the camera.

Woman who killed partner with air rifle in Galashiels to continue treatment for PTSD

Simone Ramage fired a weapon at Brian Kowbel at their home in Galashiels in 2023, but was deemed unfit to stand trial.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ck98zezr4v0ro

Hiredgun · 07/10/2026 17:07

NoisyBrickDog · 07/10/2026 17:04

She had very bad PTSD
I wonder if this was caused by years of abuse....?

Perhaps but it’s speculation and not a justification. Imagine if a man claimed mental abuse as a reason for killing a woman.