STAG DO

[netmum23]

Unsure if this is the right thread but here we go anyway.

DH is away next month for a stag do and one of the places booked is “adult risqué entertainment”, it’s not a strip club but within a pub environment with pole dancing, dance shows and adult entertainment (unsure if nudity). He’s been on plenty before but always always avoids the strip club part as this is not his taste whatsoever and he feels it’s a boundary being crossed on his part so I’ve never had to worry or feel anxious when he goes out. This feels different this time as it’s not a dull blown strippers but feels almost on the line of what feels comfortable. It’s silly I know as it’s just entertainment and nothing more. I wouldn’t expect or ask him to skip and come home early as this wouldn’t be fair but unsure how to deal with the overwhelming feeling of insecurity and jealousy on something that feels like boundary crossing but at the same time isn’t really?

We have been together since we were teenagers and over 2 decades so I’ve been so used to being his first and only that it feels uncomfortable him being in a risqué environment knowing that it will be attractive women trying to be sexy/a turn on.

How can I stop feeling so crazy as I really don’t want to ruin his night out? Am I being unreasonable feeling this way re the situation?

Would you be able to visit there together before the stag do? Part of it is not knowing what to expect.

Find out the name of the place and Google it rather than worrying about the unknown.

What a bizarre response -- you think the OP and her husband should go on a pre-stag recce to to pole-dancing 'adult entertainment' space, so she can decide if it's upsetting to her?

OP, I will be honest. I would not be married to anyone who thought this was a normal thing to do. DH has been to endless stags over the years, and not one has featured a strip club or pole dancing. He wouldn't be friends with men who are that cavemanlike. I imagine some of his more dubious cousins would think this was normal, but he would no more go on their stag dos than he would sign up for a weekend of circus skills classes.

And also, I struggle to believe that your issue with a pole dancing club or whatever is that there will be attractive women there. Seriously? You don't think the issue is that these kinds of establishments, even if they don't contain trafficked or otherwise exploited women, encourage the idea that men can buy consent, and the general objectification of women?

Leaving aside the ethical issues and focusing on your insecurity.
You husband has eyes in his head and will I'm sure go to beaches and pools, watch TV and have Internet access. He will therefore struggle not to see young attractive women's bodies on the regular. However this visual stimulation/appreciation is entirely different from a relationship with a partner of 20 years who interacts with him, is intimate with him and who he loves. So comparing yourself to these women is like comparing chocolate cake and Saturdays. As in, there is no comparison to be made.
The ethical issues, and what it says about a man's character to want to go to this thing is a different matter.

Is it not the same as a hen do going to see Magic Mike? I suppose it depends where it is on the scale of entertainment/ theatre vs proper strip club.

I actually don’t think it’s a bad idea for OP to go and check it out herself if it’s causing that much angst, but ultimately, you either trust your DH or you don’t.

What’s this now? 😳

He could also ask his mummy to come along.

This is bonkers, he has to take her there before the stag do, so she can decide if she's comfortable with it or not?

Nope. He makes his decisions, she makes hers. There are women everywhere, he is no more likely to meet someone he finds sexy in an adult risque venue, especially if that' not his bag, than he is in the queue for a sandwich.

Must he take her everywhere she goes so she can check it out? This is an internal issue for OP, not something for her DH to solve.

In all honesty it wouldn’t bother me. But you have your own feelings and boundaries.

I’ve had a look on the website hence the anxiety, it’s not a strip club it’s a bar with risqué adult entertainment after dark so I think it’s non nudity and re the ethical side I think these girls aren’t trafficked etc hence why it hasn’t been said, strip clubs are an ethical issue for both myself and my husband and something we both agree is not a place we’d associate with.

DH isn’t that way inclined re strip clubs which makes things harder as this is technically not crossed a boundary although it does also feel like it.

beautiful woman can and do exist that’s not my issue, he of course appreciates attractive woman around us likely at beaches etc, it’s more so because these girls will be intentionally arousing if that makes sense?

it’s most likely similar to magic mike shows but again for me that’s boundary crossing (each to their own and no judgment to others) and have never been to one before.

i trust him completely hence trying to deal with my own insecurities and asking for advice as I don’t want him to be on edge and unable to enjoy his weekend with friends celebrating.

just can’t seem to stop obsessing over the fact he’s going to be around women in their underwear or revealing clothes when a big part of our relationship is that we’ve only been with each other. Again I know I’m being a bit crazy and don’t like feeling this way!

I agree it’s not DHs problem to solve hence why I’m dealing with it myself. Attractive women are everywhere and I’m not jealous over that, we all find others attractive it’s the situation of being around them like that when until now I’ve been the only real life woman he’s seen in that way.

I wouldn’t be overjoyed if my DH announced he was going to an adult entertainment venue tbh. But it’s not something that I would get too upset about because I don’t think he’s the type to get overly involved.

This.

Particularly
OP, I will be honest. I would not be married to anyone who thought this was a normal thing to do. DH has been to endless stags over the years, and not one has featured a strip club or pole dancing. He wouldn't be friends with men who are that cavemanlike......... he would no more go on their stag dos than he would sign up for a weekend of circus skills classes.

In that case you just need to block it out and let him get on with it. Book to do stuff that weekend so you’re distracted and not thinking about it too much. Don’t quiz him on it when he gets home.

I'd go and have a few sessions with a therapist to be honest. Intentionally arousing isn't how it works, you're discrediting him to think that he's going to go cartoon eyed over a woman in too much make up jigging about in her knickers just because he's only ever been with you.

That's not based in fact. This is a thought based in your own insecurity, that you need to get in control of. He's not going to be off out the door just because he got a sniff of the barmaids apron, he knows there are other women out there, he knows what they look like in their undies. I promise you that.

'Trust' him how? Because if she's trusting him to be the kind of individual that doesn't think female objectification for male kicks is fine and dandy, he's already flunked that test.

I didn’t say he would be cartoon eyed, I said it’s a different atmosphere than just seeing girls at the beach etc. He absolutely will know what other women look like in their undies but he hasn’t been with one in real life which is a bit different.

again, I know it’s my own insecurities doesn’t make it easier to process and deal with.

I know he won’t feel 100% comfortable and would much rather not be part of it and he definitely didn’t know the type of place it was until recently. It’s not his scene at all but with it being a “bar” it doesn’t feel right him cancelling on his friends despite it feeling as though a boundary is crossed

What is it exactly that you're worried about, what's at the base of your fear, can you work it out?

Could you provide us with a link to the place? Is it a kind of burlesque/moulin rouge kind of thing or towards the other end of the scale like sticky Vicky popping ping pong balls from her nether regions in Benidorm?

How long are they planning to be in there? If it's just for a pint or two, is there a proper pub nearby he can escape to?

Don't you trust your husband, OP? If you do, then I don't see the problem.

It sounds as if you’re pretty solid with your husband. Just my personal option but I just wouldn’t be on the same wave length as someone who visited these places, so wouldn’t be in a relationship with him in the first place - but from what you’ve said, I wonder if your husband will find he’s uncomfortable there and regrets going.

it doesn’t feel right him cancelling on his friends despite it feeling as though a boundary is crossed

Why not ?
If these "friends" are crossing boundaries, then that is EXACTLY the time any man worth his salt SHOULD be saying so, and not either turning the other cheek, or 'going along with it'.

Now, I realise we all have 'boundaries' in different places, but what society needs is people to say "That's not something I feel comfortable with / Not something I want to do" when they feel that way.

A link would be outing as my friends are on here. It’s burlesque, pole, acrobatic and show themed.

it’s booked for dinner and into the rest of the night with nowhere else booked.

yes trust him completely and know he wouldn’t cheat it’s my insecurity of knowing what we have will be different as it’s something I was proud of again o recognise this is my issue.

DH has already said if he’s there and it seems like it’s crossing a line or is too much he has no problem leaving as he is on the same page when it comes to our relationship but I don’t want him to be left out himself.

it’s worse because I know he will hate it and feel uncomfortable and will feel guilty and knowing he already feels like that I don’t want to pile it on with my insecurities as I know the type of person he is and want to try deal with it better

As if someone has told you to have therapy because this has made you uncomfortable 😂 Of course you're allowed to be uncomfortable about this. I actually find places that try to make purchasing any form sexual gratification (it really isn't clear but I'm assuming it's a ticketed event) more 'middle of the road' as sordid as anything else and creates complicated feelings around boundaries for couples. I wonder if in reality you're seeking permission to ask your husband not to go. If you're not comfortable then that would be perfectly acceptable in my opinion. Of course you can't demand anything of him, but let him know how you feel and leave the ball in his court. Someone said this isn't your husband's issue to solve but I very much beg to differ- it sounds like you and you husband get on well and so this is an issue for both of you to solve together.