STAG DO

[netmum23]

Unsure if this is the right thread but here we go anyway.

DH is away next month for a stag do and one of the places booked is “adult risqué entertainment”, it’s not a strip club but within a pub environment with pole dancing, dance shows and adult entertainment (unsure if nudity). He’s been on plenty before but always always avoids the strip club part as this is not his taste whatsoever and he feels it’s a boundary being crossed on his part so I’ve never had to worry or feel anxious when he goes out. This feels different this time as it’s not a dull blown strippers but feels almost on the line of what feels comfortable. It’s silly I know as it’s just entertainment and nothing more. I wouldn’t expect or ask him to skip and come home early as this wouldn’t be fair but unsure how to deal with the overwhelming feeling of insecurity and jealousy on something that feels like boundary crossing but at the same time isn’t really?

We have been together since we were teenagers and over 2 decades so I’ve been so used to being his first and only that it feels uncomfortable him being in a risqué environment knowing that it will be attractive women trying to be sexy/a turn on.

How can I stop feeling so crazy as I really don’t want to ruin his night out? Am I being unreasonable feeling this way re the situation?

I wouldn’t feel jealous or insecure but I would be repulsed if my DH were to support that industry in any way. It is an absolute deal breaker for me that he holds good values, people who go to watch women pole dance do not.

I clearly see it differently though as you are seeing it from your POV and being insecure whereas I see it as the POV of all women and would not be happy with a man who supported the ‘adult entertainment’ industry.

but I don’t want him to be left out himself.

it’s worse because I know he will hate it and feel uncomfortable and will feel guilty and knowing he already feels like that I don’t want to pile it on with my insecurities as I know the type of person he is and want to try deal with it better

This is incredibly silly. No one has this man, who is, I assume, an adult, at gunpoint to make him attend a 'risqué adult entertainment' venue. If he hates the idea, then he can decline attending. I'm afraid I'm not buying the 'poor ickle man, he's going to hate it, but peer pressure is making him go' thing.

He doesn't want to go. You don't want him to go. There's no issue, surely?

I agree with this. If you trust him then you trust him. If he's genuinely going to find this uncomfortable anyway but is going because its what his mates want and he wants to celebrate their wedding, then you being uncomfortable about it as well isn't going to help him have a nice time. I think you should just trust him.

My husband had his stag do on the Isle of Man, shooting guns and no speed limits with some of his crazy ex-rugby mates. Honestly I'd have been less worried if he'd gone to a strip club.

I wouldn't feel any concern or jealousy about my DH going, I trust him completly.

I would however question who my husband is if he went to this. If he isn't happy to go, he can say this directly to his mates, or he can make up some excuse - unwell, away for work, need to be home to look after the kids as you are away, can't afford it. No one is making him go.

DH has already said if he’s there and it seems like it’s crossing a line or is too much he has no problem leaving as he is on the same page when it comes to our relationship but I don’t want him to be left out himself.

"But I don't want him to be left out himself"

Surely that is for him to decide where his morals lie ?

I'm failing to see how this is about your relationship, rather than him being able to potentially feel uncomfortable saying to whoever has organised it "I don't feel comfortable supporting the sex industry and quite possibly people trafficking".

it’s worse because I know he will hate it and feel uncomfortable and will feel guilty

So why is he going ?

Thousands of stag dos happen every year without any attendees going to watch pole dancing and the like. I'm also aware some people do. All your dh has to do is say "Not for me" to whoever is organising this one.

You trust them not to want to go or engage with it at all is the point.

From your description it sounds like a tame and normal entertainment establishment. It’s not going to just be males there. You have nothing to worry about.

@netmum23 "He’s been on plenty before but always always avoids the strip club part as this is not his taste whatsoever "

And I assume that he's the one actually telling you this? To be honest men's sense of "taste" tends to fly out the window where half naked women dancing around poles is concerned! Anyway if he's that precious about it, why can't he just not go on this occasion?

Many many years ago use to work in a working men’s club they occasionally had strippers male and female
as stupid as it sounds it wasn’t particularly sexual more just a laugh VERY strict boundaries
the men’s were generally uneventful the odd guy crossed a line but very quickly booted out
the women were wild absolute disgrace

tbh that type of of venue more likely to get ripped off rather than shagged

I think you’re being over the top to be honest. My DH has never been to anything like this, but as a one off that someone else organised, I wouldn’t get worked up about it.

It sounds like it’s a whole dinner and entertainment thing, which doesn’t seem particularly sordid. My DH and I went to watch Moulin Rouge in London, that wasn’t weird.

From your updates OP it doesn’t seem as though it’s similar to a strip club or anything seedy like that.
My Christmas work party was booked for a sit down meal with burlesque and Ariel performances and it wasn’t seedy - I was pleasantly surprised. From what it sounds like this will be similar.

I think it’s hilarious that so many women believe that their DH wouldn’t go to something like this 😂
it sounds awkward and boring tbf. I think because he’s your first that you’re putting some weird pressure on that. You can’t stop him going, that would be insane and create resentment. Accept it , make peace and get therapy.

So its a burlesque type thing?

You think good honest relationships where people know each others normals and core values are ‘hilarious’?

There’s a bigger issue getting off on women at the beach just living there lives then going to a strip club

It's ok to say to him that you don't want him to go, OP. You don't have to be cool with this. I wouldn't be, either.

Of course he’s not at gun point and has no problem going against the group and leaving if he’s uncomfortable and has done so in the past. He hasn’t been to a strip club or any adult entertainment venue ever so I trust he doesn’t give in to peer pressure.

so I think it’s more than burlesque but less than a strip ckub if that makes sense.

both of us value being each others first and neither of us feel comfortable around these things so definitely not weird pressure, I value that both of us have only had each other/only seen each other as does he.

and fk clear up he hasn’t “gotten off” to anyone at a beach, he’s very respectful and I wouldn’t even notice if he’d so much as glanced at someone whilst we’ve been out together. I was just trying to explain the difference to me of both situations.

with it being on the line it’s just been an awkward one, if it was an actual strip club DH wouldn’t be going, not because I’d have asked as I don’t need to, he’s on the same page with these things. It’s a pub with dancers/shows so wouldn’t be fair on his friends for him to cancel. He will however leave if he is there and he’s uncomfortable, he wouldn’t think twice about it.

i just need to stop overthinking it and try put a lid on the jealousy of him seeing something like this and not let it change how I act towards him.

Burlesque ,acrobatics and pole dancing are not anything like a strip club. They are definitely not seedy and not at all men only viewing

If a man said that to a woman they would be called controlling

Well, it’s not a ‘belief’. I didn’t marry a knuckledragger. But you do you, obviously.

If it's not his taste, he either goes and deals with it or he doesn't go out of choice - his choice. He could do with changing his friends though, so tacky.

PS seen the update so maybe not so tacky but the first sentence still stands. It has no bearing on you or your relationship.

Sounds like either you have deliberately misread OP's posts or you haven't really read them at all.
And sneering at women who are actually in relationships with decent men is pretty nasty and uncalled for.

No, they wouldn't. If they demanded their partner not go to something, or purposefully made their life difficult because they did go, then they would be called controlling. Telling your partner something makes you uncomfortable and that you'd rather they didn't go is...a normal part of being in a relationship.

The main problem I see on this thread is how controlling some PPs are with their male partners. If nothing else, I doubt many posters would attack female friends for visiting a Magic Mike show so a few of the comments feel like massive double standards.

It’s hardly ‘controlling’ to be very clear that a visit to a strip club would indicate DH was someone I no longer had the slightest respect for, as he would fully share that view. I am about as likely to go and see Magic Mike as I am to sign up to be a Red Arrow.