STAG DO

[netmum23]

Unsure if this is the right thread but here we go anyway.

DH is away next month for a stag do and one of the places booked is “adult risqué entertainment”, it’s not a strip club but within a pub environment with pole dancing, dance shows and adult entertainment (unsure if nudity). He’s been on plenty before but always always avoids the strip club part as this is not his taste whatsoever and he feels it’s a boundary being crossed on his part so I’ve never had to worry or feel anxious when he goes out. This feels different this time as it’s not a dull blown strippers but feels almost on the line of what feels comfortable. It’s silly I know as it’s just entertainment and nothing more. I wouldn’t expect or ask him to skip and come home early as this wouldn’t be fair but unsure how to deal with the overwhelming feeling of insecurity and jealousy on something that feels like boundary crossing but at the same time isn’t really?

We have been together since we were teenagers and over 2 decades so I’ve been so used to being his first and only that it feels uncomfortable him being in a risqué environment knowing that it will be attractive women trying to be sexy/a turn on.

How can I stop feeling so crazy as I really don’t want to ruin his night out? Am I being unreasonable feeling this way re the situation?

Not really tbh, I don’t think he’d be tempted at all, I think he’d feel guilty and awkward more than anything so I really do think it’s my own insecurity of maybe not feeling good enough.

I thought the same re being tame until I seen some TikTok’s so hoping those shows are way later in the night as I know for sure DH would leave and I’d hate for that to be early in the night.

thanks everyone for their input it’s appreciated

Sorry if I missed it but what is your DHs connection to the stag? Is he a really close friend?

If not, and your DH will find the whole thing unpalatable as you say, then can’t he just politely decline?

Unfortunately it’s a close connection to us both

So ?

If people you are that close to, choose to arrange to do something you (in this case your dh) don't want to do, then you say, "No thanks, it's not for me".

I don’t understand why he has a line that means he wouldn’t go to strip clubs but is happy at the kind of place you’re describing? I’d think this place would be the same side of that line as the strip club?

How can you claim it's not a strip club, but then say you're unsure of nudity? Excuse the pun, but dress it up with whatever business name you like. It's the same thing.

Avoids the strip club part but doesn't avoid men who frequent them.

would much rather not be part of it
So he has no free will and is being forced? How did he manage to "avoid" the strip clubs but has apparently lost that skill?

And what boundary has he crossed?

You mean like a hooters sort of venue??! They’re really seedy 🤮 my partner has been invited to a couple and thankfully he is always busy!

It's the name. The venues have a different name so that makes it different and ok. This isn't a strip club it's adult entertainment bar where they strip. But it's not a club. So all OK.

Em is it?!

Again, if it’s the sort of place like a strip club DH would have no problem leaving and wouldn’t hesitate, neither of us have heard of or been to said venue before but it’s definitely not a strippers.

they feature bands, karaoke, brunches, girls nights etc but on a Friday night they have what they call “weird and wild Fridays” where it’s described as being a nod to the risqué after dark. It’s not as cut and dry as just not going as again this sort of entertainment might be later on in the night

no boundary has been crossed and I know with 100% certainty he has never went with the crowd (or solo) to any adult entertainment venue

I’m 99.9% sure there won’t be nudity due to it not being a strippers club but the anxious part of me worries that it still happens outwith these venues.

he definitely has free will and has proved this many of times

My issue is with my own insecurities of even the burlesque style/tasteful acrobatic/pole dancing, even if it’s sultry not seedy. Obviously he can’t go through life avoiding attractive women and nor would I want him to but I am feeling very insecure lately so feelings are heightened

If it’s the weird and wild event I’ve just googled, I agree that it’s comparable to a Magic Mike show but with women.

I have been to Magic Mike (it was crap but that’s by the by) and do not consider something like that crossing a boundary. However if you do in your relationship, then you need to tell him.

Although FWIW it just looks to be dancers in leotards and skimpy outfits- there will be girls in the bars wearing less.

appreciate that it wasn’t a boundary for you, i do feel disrespectful with those types of shows as I wouldn’t want to see anyone else stripping off for me and worse paying to see it but absolutely no judgement to those who have different boundaries!

I think I just need to try and take it as it comes and find out next month what it’s like.

OP, you may find this internet summary helpful (you're not crazy - you're just living in a culture where things have changed not always for good or even genuine reasons)
------

The shift toward a more permissive attitude among some women regarding their partners looking at attractive people, viewing pornography, or going to strip clubs is not an overnight phenomenon, nor is it universally shared. It is the result of decades of cultural evolution, shifting ideas about gender roles, and the rise of digital media. 1]

1. Cultural Shifts and the "Cool Girl" / "Low-Maintenance" Ideal

• Avoiding the "Insecure" Label: In modern dating culture, women are often heavily socialized to avoid being labeled "needy," "controlling," or "insecure." Adopting a relaxed stance ("I'm not the type to police my partner") is frequently performed as a marker of high self-confidence, emotional maturity, or progressive modern femininity. 1]
• Rejection of Possessiveness: As traditional, patriarchal relationship structures (where women were expected to manage or monitor male behavior) have been critiqued, many women have swung toward the opposite extreme: redefining freedom in a relationship as total non-interference.

1. The Digital Normalization of Pornography and Visual Media

• Ubiquity of the Internet: Pornography and sexualized imagery have moved from the margins (rented tapes, hidden magazines) into mainstream, pocket-sized daily life via smartphones, social media algorithms, and the internet. 1, 2]
• The "Biological" Argument: A pervasive cultural narrative—often pushed by media, pop psychology, and men themselves—claims that men are "biologically hardwired" to seek visual novelty. Many women internalize this argument as an unchangeable scientific fact, leading them to feel that fighting it is futile or irrational. 1, 2]

1. Redefining Monogamy and "Control"

• Separating Fantasy from Reality: A common modern school of thought argues that looking at an attractive person, watching a video, or visiting a venue is "just visual entertainment" and does not constitute emotional or physical infidelity. 1, 2]
• The "Pure Relationship" Model: Sociologists note that contemporary relationships rely heavily on negotiation and "continuing choice" rather than rigid, pre-set societal rules. For some couples, an open or permissive stance on external stimuli is explicitly agreed upon to prevent secrecy. 1, 2]

1. The Reality: A Split Consensus

• Not a Universal Rule: While a vocal or visible subset of women project an image of total acceptance, research and relationship data show that this is far from universal. The "porn gap" and disagreements over visual boundaries remain one of the most frequent sources of hidden distress, insecurity, and conflict in heterosexual relationships. 1, 2]
• Distinction Between Performance and Reality: Many women who outwardly claim to be "fine" with these things are navigating a complex mix of internal discomfort, fear of abandonment, and the desire to project ease. 1, 2]

Where the Line Actually Is
Discomfort, jealousy, or viewing something as a dealbreaker is not inherently "neurotic" or "insecure." Relationship boundaries are personal: what one couple treats as completely harmless background noise, another can legitimately experience as a breach of trust or respect. The modern pressure to appear "unbothered" often clashes directly with individual human intuition about emotional safety and exclusivity. 1, 2]

I hate that you're being made to second guess why your husband going somewhere where bodies are presented as sexual entertainment makes you uncomfortable. Regardless of if it's burlesque, hooters, strip clubs or even just a dance show where the women happen to all be scantily clad and dead sexy.

And of course your husband will see other attractive women in skimpy clothes on beaches or at the bar as other posters have said, but if any of these women started flirting with your husband of course you'd have a problem. Going to any situation where another person is intentionally trying to arouse you in any way crosses a boundary for some people, and you don't need to question why.

Hiya - I think I know the exact thing you are talking about, if I was to guess the venue is in a scottish city, would that be right?

Im sure I am right given the terminology you use matches exactly with the website. (if I am not, hopefully my advice might help anyway!)

I understand your anxiety - I dislike "that type" of stag / hen event myself.

But in this case, any anxiety about the venue or what goes on is misplaced. From the venue name and the style of entertainment, they are going for a decadent weimar republic vibe, of the early 20th century.

If you have seen the series "Babylon Berlin", the club which features in series 1 is a good example, in terms of the vibe - art deco, flapper girls, cabaret, circus, jazz / swing bands and, yes, a certain sexiness.

But what was sexy or provocative in the 1920s is run of the mill today and of the dancers at the venue, you would easily see similar costumes on Strictly, BGT and many theatre productions. They are glamorous / sexy costumes, yes, but in the fashion sense, if that kinda makes sense?

As well as dancers there are circus acts like acrobats / aerial displays etc. Its meant to be like a cabaret nightclub of a bygone age, adult in the sense of an adult social venue, not "adult entertainment" like strippers.

Perhaps the "risque" comment refers to some element of burlesque etc, but anything described as "risque" invariably isnt and tends to be naff - just like burlesque imo lol

But you are beating yourself up over nothing - its a normal, mixed nightlife crowd present, both sexes and all ages - it evens allows children to 7pm or something!

But talk to him if you do feel uneasy about it. Communication is always key and it sounds like you are a great couple with solid values.

Once I asked my OH not to go to an event which featured strippers - and they agreed and didnt go (good decision). We had spoken about such things before, in a chat about boundaries, so I was glad that this meant it didnt seem like some sudden knee jerk reaction from me.

I think OH was worried about the reaction which missing that would cause, but at the end of the day people can always chose to do something non-skanky, if they expect others to actually come. In the end, it was no biggie, just as I knew it wouldnt be.

I wouldnt hesitate to do the same again (not that it would happen, as we are on the same page) but I only say it to show we should never put our relationship and feelings in 2nd place to something as trivial / low rent as stag or hen do.

EDIT - someone compared it to magic mike. That isnt accurate as there is no nudity or semi-nudity and certainly none of the sleazy audience interaction which defines male strips shows.

thanks everyone.

I just googled the Scottish city one and it’s extremely similar to the one where we are from. Appreciate your comments it was very insightful. Communication is key and I think that’s one of our marriage strengths so I’m sure all my overthinking will be for nothing!

You’re trying to convince yourself despite your feelings, and that makes me really sad for you.

What this appears to be, and it’s perfect legitimate, is that you are reacting against something that is deliberately designed to cause arousal. It doesn’t matter if there is nudity or touching, the point is, this isn’t a random passing attraction in a normal circumstance, it’s an event advertised around sexuality, and from your viewpoint, yours and your husband’s sexuality has been internally directed within the relationship.

You don’t have to be cool about this. From your comments, the only thing you’re managing to do is a good job of self-denial, and that’s not healthy for either of you.

You’re totally right, I am trying to convince myself that I am over reacting and that I’m not being rational.

it is a horrible feeling even without nudity knowing its not the type of place either of us would be comfortable with yet it doesn’t feel appropriate to cancel.

DH has been great and done his own research (without being asked) as he doesn’t go out apart from the odd occasion so hasn’t heard of it as it’s new. He had said himself a couple videos he seen felt like it would be crossing the line and if it was anything like that he would be ending his night there and then. I don’t think it’ll be an early night if it’s just the burlesque style, as much as we’d feel uncomfortable he would do his best to manage the situation.

i trust DH and trust that he has good judgment and is on the same page fully in our marriage on what he feels is crossing the line. Believe it or not he’s just as much protective over what we’ve got together as I am.

we have two daughters together and because of this he is even more cautious and against things like this.

I know it sounds like I have nothing to worry about as DH is an absolute angel but anxiety and insecurities when they surface make it harder to realise you’re not going to get hurt!

Yeah this really. I strongly suspect he’d also bail after about an hour as the beer wouldn’t be any good and he wouldn’t be able to hear. Also, the chances of my DH being invited to a stag night like this are zero. Or he’d bail before he went 8n and find a proper pub, with a fire, ale and a pub cat or dog.

you know your DH, just key up him be him….

But in what way are you ‘going to get hurt’? Your DH setting eyes on a naked woman that isn’t you, and you feel that somehow invalidates your marriage?

I find the entire existence of strip clubs under whatever name, repellent and couldn’t be married to someone who thought otherwise, but I would in no way feel personally threatened.

However, if your DH has watched videos online of the activities on offer at this place and says they would cross a line for him, I don’t see why he’s still going. Does he think the videos are unrepresentative, and when he gets there, the pole dancers will all be knitting in nice cardigans?

DH is the same its not for him at all and even stags he’s been on abroad he’s stayed in the hotel when they’ve been going to the strip clubs.

best way to try and explain it is he’s not hurting me and it’s not invalidating our marriage etc, it’s me who will feel hurt if he sees someone other than me because I’ve been his only.

im not threatened whatsoever it’s more a feeling of pride that we’ve only needed and wanted each other.

no not at all, the venue is open until 3am and a lot of the videos are mostly just shows, acrobats, dancing etc but there’s been one or two that are a bit more extreme than that but unsure if that’s later on in the night when I know for sure DH wouldn’t still be there. So until he gets there he won’t know for sure the vibe but if it’s too much he wouldn’t stay.

DH is already planning an Irish getaway and that was before this place was even mentioned!

I'm sorry OP, but your post cracked me up. I hate to cast aspersions, but I sincerely doubt that your husband always gives the strip clubs a miss on stag dos. Where on earth does he go- does he kick a can in the street or sit in solitude on a park bench outside whilst his mates are in there?

I have also never heard of any pub environment where "risque adult entertainment" was permissable or on offer from the establishment, apart from some of the patrons who have been on something stronger than lemonade. I'm picturing it now "alright Dave can't wait to go down to the Royal Oak, watch the footy, have some real ale and a cheeky lapdance for good measure. Maybe a private dance in the back room next to the kegs. Didn't you know they have a pole in the private dining area, just like the Dog and Duck..."

He has evidently told you all of this to get you off his back. I worked in hospitality when I was younger and dealt with a lot of stag dos, believe me, no man is going to be skipping any part of his friend's stag. Please visit the venue as a united front with your DH and report back.