STAG DO

[netmum23]

Unsure if this is the right thread but here we go anyway.

DH is away next month for a stag do and one of the places booked is “adult risqué entertainment”, it’s not a strip club but within a pub environment with pole dancing, dance shows and adult entertainment (unsure if nudity). He’s been on plenty before but always always avoids the strip club part as this is not his taste whatsoever and he feels it’s a boundary being crossed on his part so I’ve never had to worry or feel anxious when he goes out. This feels different this time as it’s not a dull blown strippers but feels almost on the line of what feels comfortable. It’s silly I know as it’s just entertainment and nothing more. I wouldn’t expect or ask him to skip and come home early as this wouldn’t be fair but unsure how to deal with the overwhelming feeling of insecurity and jealousy on something that feels like boundary crossing but at the same time isn’t really?

We have been together since we were teenagers and over 2 decades so I’ve been so used to being his first and only that it feels uncomfortable him being in a risqué environment knowing that it will be attractive women trying to be sexy/a turn on.

How can I stop feeling so crazy as I really don’t want to ruin his night out? Am I being unreasonable feeling this way re the situation?

I think be honest with eachother and say you think its close to the line and whilst you would prefer he doesnt go, you respect his decision to go anyway.

At some point, NOT in a tit for tat way, you may find yourself in a situation where you're close to the line and ultimately he will need to accept that you making a judgement call and respect that.

Mutual trust and respect even if you disagree.

I wouldn’t like my husband being potentially aroused by another woman, call me controlling and jealous, I just know my line.

What ???

But he’s not going to ‘go with’ any of these women ??

It sounds like you can trust him , just let him go enjoy himself with friends you don’t need to know everything about the stag do and what’s planned . Trust he’ll make good decisions.

I'm thinking that you're worried about him seeing other women in their underwear. You really value that you're each other's first and only sexual experience and you feel this is going to detract from that.

I think it's really very separate, and you have to trust him as a grown man with a rational brain to be able to tell the difference. He's been on a beach around women in bikinis. He's seen plenty of images of women in underwear. His dentist or doctor could be a woman. He works with women? Sees other women all the time in different roles and states of dress/undress.

None of that takes away from the fact that you were each others' first sexual experience, and only, so far. That's not going to change because he goes to a show bar.

You need to encounter some of the many enlightened, more evolved blokes around.

Your great mutual pride in being each other’s ‘first’ ought to be able to withstand both temptation and jealousy centred on scantily clad pole dancers.
Surely he isn’t a robot programmed to turn on at the sight of nylon thongs and bare tits.

And also, unless the burlesque pole-dancers have a time machine as well as a nylon basque or two, they aren’t going to be able to rewind time to prevent the OP and her DH being one another’s ‘first’.

It’s worse because I know he will hate it and feel uncomfortable and will feel guilty and knowing he already feels like that I don’t want to pile it on with my insecurities as I know the type of person he is and want to try deal with it better

If it's the sort of thing he will hate then he won't go!

Apparently he’d be ‘letting his friends down’.

I think this is what's at the root of this. Would he hate it more than feel uncomfortable and guilty by not going? Maybe the fear is that he wouldn't.

It sounds like a place that is trying to attract both a male and female clientele. He won't know until he gets there what the atmosphere really is.

I think you need to take a big breath and trust in your partner that he will do what feels appropriate for him and for you both as a couple when he gets there. You can't be worrying about this if it's just a fun and lively entertainment venue. Please keep yourself super busy that night so you aren't obsessing. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship and no reason not to trust him.

I personally wouldn’t attend a Magic Mike show as it feels boundary crossing paying for men to strip for me when I have a man at home but wouldn’t judge anyone for going.

agree re the mutual trust and respect, I have been in situations before where I’ve had to ensure a boundary wasn’t crossed in an unplanned event and have avoided occasions where it’s known in advance.

and no he isn’t going to go with any of them and I know it won’t change being the first/only it just feels uncomfortable as he’s never witnessed another woman in real life situation in front of him. For others it’s not that deep I understand that. And to clarify he has female friends and I have no jealousy issues re female connections but this is totally different.

Hit the nail on the head re he won’t know the atmosphere until he is there hence why it’s not as simple to say he’s not going to his friends as it might end up just being nothing.

he is a great DH and father and I’m trying so hard not to let my insecurities spill over when I know I can trust him to respect our marriage.

But you’re not being crazy at all?!

Seriously, the women on here who are supposedly like “yeah I’m totally cool with my partner going to a venue/event where attractive female performers will do everything they can to get him aroused” are just talking bullshit. It’s so easy to say it to a stranger on the internet to make yourself sound all cool and secure, but it’s bull.

It’s one thing to say ok maybe my partner might glance at someone on the beach, discreetly and without me noticing, and then forget about them the next second. It’s totally different to say he will spend hours in a place where the only thing to do - the very reason for being there - is to watch a highly sexualised performance by young attractive women, while surrounded by alcohol and a bunch of other guys sharing that experience. Come on!!

You’re kind of gaslighting yourself by constantly saying “oh I know it’s silly”, “oh I know it’s just me” etc. It’s not silly, it’s not just you. I would 100% expect my partner to not go to this stag do and would never look at him the same way if he insisted on going.

For what it’s worth I’m not a prude, we have a very very active personal life and can appreciate attractive people, we are very open and honest with each other so it’s not a case of being controlling or a jealous person.

'Adult risque entertainment' including pole-dancing - this sort of place is designed to attract men and stag-dos in particular, it's as simple as that

Your virtuous DH has been on many stags and knows exactly what to expect!

But we don’t know what the place is… she’s already said it’s ‘non nude’.

My assumption is that it would be some sort of burlesque/ cabaret thing. And I’m not sure what the issues are with that. I’ve several friends who have done burlesque and similar in the past and were incredibly talented at it, worked very hard and loved it. And their audience was incredibly mixed.

Yes he does and that’s why he always leaves when it’s time for strip clubs etc or doesn’t go at all.

this is a venue which seems to be burlesque type but they also feature pole dancing and “sexy” shows although neither have been before so can’t say how extreme it will be and that’s what makes it tricky as he won’t know until the time comes.

Are you worried that being someone’s first and only means that he may be tempted in some way?
that not having had experiences of other women means he may be wondering about other women?
and that this night out has become a focal point for some background thoughts you’ve been having?

id just ask him the question - is this night something he really wants to go to? It’s fine to skip part of a stag do.

I’m slightly confused - I always understood that “Burlesque Shows” were not about “stripping” but were supposed to be more sophisticated and classy, with no or little actual nudity and were specifically designed to be entertaining for men and women?

So would these men be ok if their wives/girlfriends were working in one of these places See? i can reverse too

These types of places as pp have said are the more arty burlesque type of place, think Dita Von Tease. I’ve been with a boyfriend, friends, work night out and it’s been very tame. Quite artistic and almost circus like.

Why don’t you go to a burlesque night with him yourself OP? Then you know for sure what it’s about. You might even enjoy it.

That is exactly what they’re about and like!

Burlesque is literally striptease. Yes- maybe more about the tease than the strip but the whole point of 'teasing' is playing with sensuality and arousal. And are we going to pretend that blokes on a stag do are fascinated by the history of burlesque and the theatre of it all?

If it's your vibe then great- if it's quite artistic and almost circus like then probably fun for loads (although I'm sure you mentioned it's in a pub so that casts doubts for me about the artistic level of it). Honestly, from your posts OP though, I don't think it is your vibe and you're entitled to draw a line here.