I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

Whereas throwing clothes and shoes out of the bathroom to the garden screams maturity and self-control 😂 I actually agree with you on most of it OP but really don't think you can claim the high road here!

I don't really see the point of continuing the relationship, he's unlikely to dramatically change to the extent you will ever be happy living together, and he doesn't seem content with living separately.

Also, he never has visitors? I mean, I rarely have them (usually meet friends out) but never is a bit of a red flag, as is the suggestion that it's not worth having a nice house just for yourself, and would only be worth it for other people - except you, his girlfriend whom he apparently likes enough to want to move in with, isn't important enough to count?

I couldn't agree more . He is lazy and doesn't have boundaries , OP is over the top and obsessive.

They definitely shouldn't be together .

Iconic behaviour from you frankly, I really wish I'd had the balls to do this in similar situations 😂

Guessing you have never lived with teenage children🤣🤣🤣. Seriously, if I was so rigid, I would have had a stroke and been 6’ under while mine were in their teenage years.

The coffee tin is funny. We have 3 camps in our household who all gave a very different (and strong) opinion of where the tea canister ‘lives’ in our kitchen, so it shifts around constantly depending on who last uses it. If I gave two shits about this I would have met a quick demise. Add in wet towels and it’s a certainty. I am chuckling about the thought of having a massive hissy, throwing my (now adult) kids stuff out of a window and yelling at them not to come back.

I don't how the OP could deal with toddlers.

There are few issues where a 'full blown hissy fit' is the necessary and reasonable response.

This is one of them.

There's nothing wrong with the way either of you live, I'm not a naturally tidy/orderly person but there are some things that I just cannot stand (shoes upstairs is a massive no no for me) and it's totally up to you what you're willing to compromise on.

You don't necessarily have to break up with him if you enjoy his company but it really doesn't sound like you would be compatible to live with each other.

Nope! I've been married 30+ years (DH was only 21 when we married), have brought up 2 children, obviously had numerous visitors, including DS and DD's friends, staying overnight at various ages. Yet I have never once had to deal with a damp towel left on a bathroom floor by anyone over the age of 7! I'm bog standard working class (not that it should make a difference) and don't remember ever seeing it in anyone's house when growing up, either. Once I might forgive, bit repeatedly? Absolute nope!

Same with shoes off at the door, apart from real toilet emergencies, when someone might run to the bathroom use the loo, then go back, check and clean any marks their shoes left on the floor on the way in and put their shoes by the door.

As for empty packets, an occasional one might be forgotten by a teenager, but never numerous packets, repeatedly!

Ditto for the other issues.

He's a lazy, selfish slob who will make your life miserable and probably damage items in your house, walls etc. over time, either out of carelessness or from spite at being 'told off'.

I am not a tidy person at all but even I wouldn't be tolerating things like towels on the floor and rubbish not in a bin. That's how it becomes filthy, not just messy

He isn't mature enough and.move in if he can't even respect your rules for 3 days

I don’t think you sound obsessive, hanging up a wet towel and not leaving your clothes on a heap on the floor is just basic adult behaviour. He sounds like a teenager. That said if my teenager left wet towels and clothes on the floor he would be marched back to put them away properly. It’s disrespectful

You’re just incompatible- I disagree with everyone acting like this is all his fault, you’re just both totally different. (Signed a messy woman😉)

What, a wet towel on a bathroom floor?

Why are cultivating this lame notion of a "strong woman" as one who cannot regulate her responses in an adult way? No-one would put up with a man shouting and swearing and throwing things out of windows like a child with behavioural issues because the coffee jar was in the wrong place.

It's not cool.

Of course he ought to endeavour to respect her rules, but proportionality has to play a part in any normal response.

You’re both clearly incompatible and he seems like a hobosexual. I’m not defending his behaviour or leaving the bathroom in a mess but you being annoyed about a coffee jar being out of place is a bit much tbh!! It sounds like you’d be unable to live with anyone which is fine and your choice.

I think it’s fine not to move in together as you both have different preferences but throwing his stuff out the window was a bit wild after only 3 days!

You do sound like you OCD but it's your house. You can't live with him so yes you can't come back from this. Enjoy your house and don't move in or let him move in.

Beautifully blunt - and accurate! 🤣 🙌

I think everyone has summed him up very well. My comment is that you seem unbending. You might find it difficult to find someone to share a home with. Either man or woman as an equal would be difficult for them to be perfect enough.
You do realise that your high standards of orderliness will rule out you having children. A 3 yr old would drive you into the Funny Farm.

Absolutely not, OP.
In all likelihood that was him "trying", because he wants the outcome of getting to move into your nice house and leave his grot pit.
If this is his maximum effort for the trial arrangement, imagine what his day to day is going to be for the next thirty years.

Reading OPs post again, I think OP is abusive. Throwing someone’s stuff out the window and screaming at them to get the fuck out of your house, for the crime of leaving a wet towel on the floor and misplacing a coffee cup… is absolutely abusive and disgusting behaviour.
if this was a man acting like this to a woman then everyone would be saying ti make a police report.
it’s a totally unhinged reaction.

But funny, tbh

No, there is no going back. BIN HIM

He's trying to acclimatise you to his mess and train you to look after him. The desperation to move in reveals him as an inexperienced cocklodger. A better cocklodger would hide the desperation and filth until his boots were officially under the bed.

You're very fortunate he revealed himself too early! Regardless of whether you're OCD or not, it's your home and if you want it kept a certain way, is up to you.

You’re uptight but I get it because I’m the same with my home. My DH is like your partner, gets everything out and doesn’t put it back, leaves wet towels around, is generally slobbish. He will never change. I just tidy up after him and keep it moving; I decided long ago that it was worth dealing with because he is the perfect man in every other regard!

THREE days and he can't treat her home with the most basic of courtesies? Leaving things strewn around the floor for other people to pick up? (Wet, bunched-up towels absolutely stink). It's a matter of simple courtesy, and this actually says more about a person then simply 'he is untidy'. It augurs quite strongly of contempt.

Nope. I stand entirely by my first response.

The OP's question was 'is there any way back?' I'd say that's a resounding 'no'.