I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

This isn’t you or a you problem. He hasn’t been raised properly, or just didn’t give a fuck about anything his parents taught him. He can’t pick up after himself or keep things tidy, and can’t put his towel and clothes in the washing basket or hang them up. No. It is not your job to teach him how to behave like an adult.

His message even pissed me off - saying he has to get used to how you work. No, he has to learn how adults work.

I just couldn’t be bothered with that. There are better men. Junk this one.

This. I'm saddened by the number of people piling on to Op and insinuating that she was in the wrong, also that she should compromise. This bloke shows plenty of warning signs, this behaviour would escalate for sure.

He'd piss me off but I couldn't live with anyone who was so utterly ridiculous to throw stuff out of a window. You wouldn't do that in your job if someone put the stapler in the wrong place so you can control yourself. It's up to you whether you want him in your house or not but going bat shit is ridiculous.

Agreed. 100%

I think I'd have just thrown the shoes out of the window and feigned ignorance. His FU with the coffee jar is quite funny, but would be the final nail in his coffin for me.

I agree. Yes, OP, he does sound slobbish - but he too is set in his ways, where no one usually sees his slovenly habits at home.

You too are set in yours, though I think to a somewhat obsessive degree ...

I'm the messy one, my partner is the tidy one. Each has learned to compromise, because we love each other ...

I dont think you are compatible . Could you reach a compromise eg: turn a blind eye to coffee jars being "in it place" or not , if he removed his shoes and picked up his wet towels?
Some of the things you insist on will sound extreme eg: the coffee jar/packaging to many and yes a bit OCD. he sounds to have different standards to you.
If you cant both compromise i dont think this will work.

Id assume that was him on his best behaviour as he was technically a guest for the week. If he can't do the bare minimum which was taking off his shoes and not leaving crap everywhere he's never going to do the big stuff like cleaning the bathroom.

It's your house OP you're entitled to keep it as you want it. You just might not find someone who has the same level of cleanliness and tidiness as you.

Maybe you continue the relationship and live apart and it's fine but it sounds like to him the next stage is living together so he may not want to carry it on.

I could not live with someone like this.

You are not compatible long term.

Of course he's desperate to move in. He gets to live in a neat and tidy, nicely furnished house with a housekeeper (you) on tap to clean up after him.

Unless you want to slowly drive yourself insane do not ever live with him.

Why on EARTH would you want to even think about finding 'a way back'??!

But his stuff isn’t just less, it’s dirt. Leaving empty food packets lying around - that’s dirt. Leaving wet towels on the floor - dirt, yuck, mould.

I'm on your side. He was constantly disrespectful. You are not his amid there to pick up after him. If he can't do basic things such as hanging towels up or putting empty packets in the bin then he wont do anything. And you now see why his house smelled!

Yeah he's not for you. A bit dramatic with throwing all the stuff through the window, but taking shoes off and hanging a towel is not OCD. The man is a slob and you'll never get along living together. Having a tidy house is important for you and he clearly doesn't care if he lives in a pit. There are plenty of decent men out there

Disagree entirely. OP wasn't at work, where professional behaviour would be an agreed part of the job. She was in her own home, where she could dance naked if she wanted to. A really rude twat, there as her guest, completely disregarded her polite requests for being respectful in her own home. How OP wanted to behave is entirely up to her. May not be what you would have done, but there is no comparison with how someone should behave at work.

FU with coffee jar - no thanks. Being tidy is one thing (you) but he’s been aggressive and rude cos he wants it all his way.

Including you and your house. All his to chuck about now.

I couldn’t live with either of them.
There is a happy medium in the middle. They’re both extreme in different directions.

17 years in and still training DH !! He won't wipe up coffee marks on my wooden worktop which I oil, yep leaves myriad of things out and cupboard doors open. He doesn't know where anything is and we lived in this house 12 years. I constantly remind him to 'wash his hands' if he has taken rubbish out to the main bin where the dustmen have handled whole street of bins! He drops his tissues in the ground and walks past them as if they are nothing to do with him and yep, at 64 years old he drives me nuts! So I see your pov 😂

Screaming and shouting at someone and throwing their stuff out of the window isn't a warning sign?

And I'm not insinuating the OP was wrong to do this - I'm stating it. Yes she doesn't have to put up with him being slovenly but just ask him to leave.

I think you're more than averagely focused on order OP and your DP is more than averagely slovenly, so I don't see living together working for you.
Why is he so desperate to live together?
I don't think giving up your peace would be a good idea at all.

This is probably why he's so keen on moving in together, so he has a live in maid cleaning up after him

🎯😂

ETA though tbh I'd rather move a coffee jar back into position than be screamed and sworn at.

Well you did the experiment and it proved that you're not compatible! Why is he so desperate to move in though? After seeing each other a year?

Just pointing out that if someone can control themselves at work then they can at home.

He's in the wrong shd she'd be in every right to leave him and get him out thr house but chucking stuff out of a window is ridiculous and something an overly emotional kid would do.

You're not compatible. It's not really anybody's fault, but don't ignore it either. Move on.