I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

It's the final straw reaction though. Asking nicely over a few weeks and then days when he was staying there. And being ignored repeatedly. He should have listened much much earlier. FAFO

You're not compatible. It's as simple as that.

You do sound OCD .. but that’s okay, nothing wrong with that. He’s been completely childish and twatish towards you and your beautiful home. He will only escalate further. Dump him and find someone with mutual respect.

I think when dating, there are certain compatibilities that aren’t fully considered. People rend to focus on emotional compatibility, but for the long term, both financial compatibility & how tidy you are are really crucial. I am sort of medium in terms of tidiness, so I am not comfortable with either really messy people or super tidy ones. Fortunately, both my exH (who used to have a floordrobe on his side of the bed), and my current partner are mediums, like me. I really pay attention to this at early stages of romance. My daughter, on the other hand, is messy, and her partner is similar, so they get on fine.
Neither of you are wrong, just not compatible. Learn from this & move on.

Ok so it’s ok to act like this if it’s the final straw? ‘Sorry officer, I battered her but it was the final straw and she deserved it’

He has his way of living, which may or may not make him a man-child, and you have yours. Neither is necessarily wrong or right (though I'm with you). You're just not compatible as far as sharing living space goes. Would you and he be happy leaving the whole living together thing and just having fun going out with the odd sleepover?
I think you need to talk, without labelling either lifestyle right or wrong.

(Of course he's wrong though ... he'd drive me bonkers and that flipping coffee jar he moved just to be petty would have followed him as he left!! )

You're not being unreasonable at all. He's shown instant lack of respect for your house, belongings, comfort and boundaries! At least he has been transparent so you know early on.

Yes, would drive me nuts and I would not want someone who wears shoes inside my house! Also wet towel on the floor is so grim as well and clothes left on the floor is so lazy.
Does he expect you to step over everything he leaves on the floor or expect you to pick it up for him? Either way very unattractive.
I am also a 'everything has its place put it back where you found it' type of person, but I know not everyone is... so whilst the coffee jar would annoy me, I am slightly desensitised to blowing up about it because I live this with my husband.
Rubbish not finding its way to the bin is a big no as well.
He couldn't even pretend to try to treat your home well so I would not be interested in getting back with him or moving in. You're not compatible and he sounds disrespectful. Obviously your reaction was other the top though. But justified in wanting him to leave.

Bit different throwing something out and battering someone......

In a way it's kind of heartening that neither of you could keep it together, even as an act for a trial period, for even three days. It's a sign of authenticity!

OP does not have OCD. She has normal standards of cleanliness, which this man couldn't even pretend to adhere to for a few days!

Don't come back from this, why do you want to? He doesn't respect you.

Look at him, already trying to catch you in the “nag paradox”.

Him: “if you want X doing a certain way, just tell me.”
OP: “I want the wet towels hung up”
Him: “you have OCD!”

He’s a grown man who doesn’t realise he needs to hang wet towels up to dry. The man is either lazy or incompetent, or both. Neither is liveable with.

OP threw his belongings out of an upstairs window, then screamed at him to get the fuck out of her house. There are many ways she could have asked him to leave, but she was an able to control her rage.

You have utterly incompatible standards but will add, his behaviour in your house was disrespectful. When first living with DH1 I made it quite clear that I wouldn't expect another person to be picking my underwear up off the bedroom floor or towels up in the bathroom and wouldn't be doing it for anyone else. In fairness, he understood and apologised. He wasn't slobby, had just lived alone for quite a while.

This guy can't even recognise 'guest mode' which makes most people behave with more care, let alone 'this is a trial' mode.

You arent compatible end it.

You are not at all suited to living together.

I'm not surprised he wants to move in. Your house sounds lovely whereas his does not 😅
You'd be mad to let him move in.

Also, what are his reasons for wanting to live with you?

He doesn’t like living the way you live (shoes off, towels hung up etc).

So he clearly must be getting something else out of it, presumably cheaper rent and housework done for him? All you gain is a lazy cocklodger, what’s the point?

I'm suprised by how many people are critising the OP here.

It was a trial week, he should have been trying to fit in to the household but has completely ignored the OP. I think it's so important to have your home sanctuary. You've lived alone and have it as you want it. Do you want to go back to picking up wet towels and things out of place. No thank you. Protect your peace. Keep him in his own space.

This isn't going to work. Firstly because you're not compatible and secondly because he doesn't even try to respect your space or opinions. I have no doubt that you've worked hard for your lovely home. Don't let some manchild wreck it.

As 'unhinged' (what an unneccessary, OTT word) as suggesting that a 'hissy fit' in response to someone strewing their belongings all over your home in the expectation that you'll pick them up like some skivvy is 'abusive?'

Get away.

This denigrates the many people who really are up against very real domestic and mental abuse.

The glaring red flags in this story are his slovenly, actually downright contemptuous behaviour - which he can't disguise after a mere three days - and the phrase with the big warning klaxon: 'desperate to move in'.

And this is the way he chooses to express it. It's my nagging inkling that if OP did capitulate and allow this slob to move in, the potential for abusive behaviour might very quickly move that boot to the other foot.

No. OP's instincts are right.

I am not saying she did not overeact but it still is not comparable to battering someone

Why is he so desperate to move in??

Exactly. That's the question too often being skated over here.

You aren't compatible. Move on.