I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

I am very tidy. I like a clean house but I will leave the coffee jar out if I want.
I put things back when I am ready.
I wouldn’t be able to deal with someone watching my every move.
This relationship is doomed.
You are not compatible and will drive each other crazy.

look you’re not compatible to live together. Doesn’t mean you have to split up, but he needs to accept that you’re not in a place where you can live together at the moment.

Incidentally I don’t think there is a hope in hell that he will live like you in a million years. He’s saying this because he thinks he’s fucked things up- and credit to him for apologising- but within hours he’ll be back to wet towels in the kettle and coffee jars in the bath! He’s kidding himself. And/ or desperate to get a roof over his head.

Why do you think it’s ok to get so stressed about moving a coffee jar?

Yep

Really? If you're visiting someone else's house as a guest you wouldn't take your shoes off in the hall if asked to?

They're not living together, he's visiting her to see how they get on. Badly, is the answer to that.

Whilst the OP does sound on the more extreme end of neatness and tidiness, the issue here is one of respect. If he doesn't agree with her rules he can discuss them with her and try and reach some kind of compromise (unlikely), but it's basic lack of respect not to do as asked when visiting someone else's house as a guest. And taking shoes off at the door is hardly excessively OCD. It's quite a normal request, as I think is not leaving a pile of dirty clothes and wet towels on the floor of the bathroom.

I wouldn't care about the moving of the coffee jar, but otherwise I don't think OP is being at all unreasonable.

Regardless, PP has nailed it - if he can't even make an effort over a few days, he's not long-term material.

Well it's clear you will never be happy living together, that just needs accepting by both of you. I really wouldn't compromise, it would be a recipe for misery.

So the decision to make is are both happy with a relationship where you simply date?

How old are you both?

not that it really matters but it sounds like he wants a nanny with a fanny… he wants you to make him mummy - this was him testing you!! To see if you would be docile and clean up after him - thankfully you failed and I’m proud of you for doing so!

As usual the first post nails it.

The odd teaspoon on the worktop is very different to wet towels on the floor. At least you saw this before he moved in!

How he lives shows you that the aesthetics of his environment isn’t a priority. It would be the same if he moved in with you. It sound like your home is your sanctuary and how he lives would drive you to distraction.

The only way it would work is if you’d accept that your standards are higher than his and you’re prepared to tidy up after him.

How old is he and does he rent or own his home?

You trialled it for a reason. He couldn’t even do as you asked for 3 days. It didn’t work.. move on!

You're both being unreasonable. You may as well split up now as there are no long term prospects for your relationship.

This made me laugh! I’m extremely untidy and slovenly (yes to leaving clothes on the floor) and even I don’t leave wet towels in a pile to go fusty. They need hung back up to dry before going in the dirty washing basket or they make everything else in the basket damp and then the damp smell doesn’t always come out when they’re washed. And I don’t like outdoor shoes on inside and certainly not on the carpet. And there’s no way I’d do this at someone else’s house!

I don’t understand. You take something out of a cupboard to use it, how can you not just put it back in?? Agree that you have dodged a bullet OP.

He’s not necessarily untidy because he’s a man. I’m untidy and I’m a woman. I do think you were a bit OTT about the coffee, but you were right to be pissed off about empty packets being left about, the wet towels and so on. But not to the point of screaming and throwing stuff out of the window. That is a tantrum, which I suppose could have a number of underlying reasons. I do think that having someone move into your home is a massive adjustment. You are used to having things a certain way and that’s fair enough. Would you be ok with ANY change to the running/appearance of your home. Let’s say a fictitious potential partner (not your current one!) did their fair share of the housework and took their shoes off etc but occasionally didn’t put the cereal back in the right place or left a couple of bits and pieces lying on the kitchen table or whatever. Would that piss you off to the point of anger and chucking stuff about? Or could you live with SOME level of change/imperfection?

Someone throwing your clothes out the bathroom window in a hissy is bonkers and definitely grounds for breaking up.
He should run.

When you live together you have to learn to compromise a bit. Both of you.

My husband grew up in a home which was just 'functional'. Both his sisters homes are like that too- things work but might be 40 years old, battered but perfectly fine in their opinion. For example his sister has the most beautiful fireplace in her sitting room but they've shoved an electric fire in front of it, some massive 80's speakers and it's piled up with paperwork. They are just not interested in aesthetics in any shape or form.

I'm the other way round. Over the years my husband has come round to my way of thinking on nice things. But. He still leaves things out because he'll need them tomorrow. Still leaves packets on the side. Stil never wipes the kitchen counters or cooker. However, he does loads of stuff I can't do- decorating, regrouting the shower, the never ending bins. So I think it's even although it annoys me picking up after him.

I love a beautiful, tidy home. He really isn't bothered. We have come to an understanding

Although the final move of the coffee jar seems to be amusing some, I actually see it as a clear indicator that he knows, and knew all along exactly what he is doing and he knows it is winding OP up. Tiny little micro agressions (a phrase I hate, but it fits here), to get a rise and then make OP look like she is insane. He chose to do this, it isn't OP having ridiculously high standards, even if they are higher than mine.

We all know these men and it doesn't end well for the women who have relationships with them. I would call it a lucky escape and move on.

This relationship is not going to work. Living together means compromise and if someone not putting the coffee jar back is going to cause you this much anguish, you are probably just better living alone for good.

I think it's a red flag that he's been pushing so hard to move in and continues to do so. For that reason alone I wouldn't let him in.
I think some posters are missing the fact that you chucking his stuff out (😂) was a last straw. From the moment he moved in he failed to even try to follow your house rules. Taking shoes off isn't that hard. Imagine what he'd be like after living with you for say 6 months!

But that just shows you that he does know where to put it back (and therefore where not). He just chooses not too. I would have hidden it from him every time to make a point tbf.

He's a slob and you can keep your house hiw you like, but you really had no right to throw his stuff in the garden. The whole point was that it was a trial! You could say it clearly wasn't working so no living together.

Obviously you aren't compatible though, even if you did live separately.

Leaving a wet towel on the floor again after you'd spoken to him about it is ridiculous and I'm not even that tidy. Guess who had a mum picking up after him constantly.

Yes this. Run OP, run.

No no no YANBU You cannot live with this beta manchild. Sorry.

I firmly believe that people show you by their behaviour how they love you.

In this instance, despite being really keen to move in with you, this man was unable to show you that he could be respectful of how you like to live in your own home. He has clearly shown you what his love for you looks like by his behaviour. @Drakula from what you have said, I don't think that is going to work for you.

And This is him on his BEST behaviour, ‘desperate to move in’

FUCK THAT, bin him. You are not compatible. You sound like you really know how you want to live.

Agree he wants a ‘home’. Made by someone else 😂 Nanny with a Fanny is a brilliant description of what he wants.