I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

I flung all of my EX husband's belongings out of the bedroom window for the same reason. Note I said "Ex". 😊

Dont come back from it.

Coffee jar in its right place could be pedantic but take your dirty shoes off and pick up your towel are basic adult behaviours.

Hes hoping for a cocklodger opportunity.

It shouldnt be hard to learn to hang up your towel, only toddlers need constant instruction to get better at basic chores.

You need to sack him off or at least tell him hes not moving in until he stops behaving like a child.

To be honest I think it’s good that he’s shown what he’s like now and you put your foot down (or out the window!!). It would have been worse if he’d been a perfect guest and then you moved him in and he did this.

for someone desperate to move in and who knows you like things clean and tidy - he didn’t really help himself. He sounds like a man who expects you to clean up after him.

so rude to where shoes upstairs and leave yucky wet towels on the floor.

If OP had complained about persistent mess, that would have been understandable.

You clearly didn’t read the OP’s OP.

These are the types of issues I have with my teen children, from teens it's annoying when they do it and annoying when I call them back to tidy it, I am absolutely not dealing with that from a partner. I'm not a house proud person, I like things reasonably tidy and lived in, it's the fact I would have to tidy up after him that would make me refuse to live with him.

I think you are right not to move in. Wet towels, shoes on the carpet, packets left around - no. Not ok.

I think you could have held your boundary with more dignity though.

Why is he "desperate" to move in?

Does he smell a mummy he can fuck?

Oh fuck off with "dignity"! He is acting like a child so she treated him like one.

If he wanted a dignified adult response he should have acted like a dignified adult instead of a lazy teenager.

I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it.

You go, girl! I laughed out loud at this. I have wanted to do this so many times, but as I live with my partner (unlike you currently) he has his own wardrobe here so I just shove everything in there. Or I dump it on his precious computer desk - gets put away pretty quickly then!

My particular pet peeve is him still not knowing where things live when he's unloading the dishwasher and 11 years of living together.

If it really bothers you and he doesn't have enough redeeming features, get rid! Because he certainly won't change. The behaviour is too engrained!

I’m not in the least bit houseproud. My house is clean and as tidy and organised as I like it. This situation is about lack of respect. If someone asks you to behave in a respectful way, setting out their boundaries, you should step up and at least TRY. He’s showing a blatant disregard for you, your house and your boundaries. It’s all downhill from here I’m afraid. Dump him and move on up.

I wouldn’t throw my child’s clothes out of the window either. I think that was OTT. I’d have called him back to sort it out and then stated my boundary - which would be that we do not stay over at each others houses and don’t move in together because we are not compatible. Leaving your stuff like that is disrespectful and entitled and that’s not something I’m willing to tolerate.

Don't move him in.
He will carry on being the slob he has shown himself to be and you'll end up playing mum. Massive passion killer.

I'd tell him that he needs to prove he is a fully functioning adult by taking care of his home. When he can do that, you will consider a trial period of living together but if he doesn't pull his weight he's back out again.

That's if you don't choose to dump the fucker.

But she had stated her boundary, several times, and he didn't listen (or more likely, didnt care). So she went for the shock tactic.

I didnt do this with any of my kids because I didnt need to, but can I say I wouldnt have? Honestly, no I cant.

He showed by his actions, that he didn't give a shit about @Drakula and her preferences in her home. This was on a trial of living together where you would expect him to be on his best behaviour. That he couldnt even do that for 3 days says everything. He has made it abundantly clear that he expects her to pick up after him because he knows a messy house bugs her.

All that said, I think that if they did live together then the house would be considered "theirs" and so there would need to be compromise and it doesnt sound like OP is willing to do that. I am getting "my way or no way". So I agree that they are not compatible.

Leave it at that. It’s over. Find someone neat and tidy.

Don’t live with him EVER. I’d recently the same. It’s taken me years to get used to living with DH DSS and DD. I hate stuff lying around or not put away.

Well I agree with the boyfriend you’re a psycho

Why is he so desperate?

Smells of financial problems to me.

He showed ZERO respect for your space OP. I would be so pissed off by that I think I'd have to end it.

I think so.

Try to think of a wind up version of this story. I'm not sure you do better than a wet towel, a coffee jar left out and shoes not actually worn inside, but almost worn. I mean if the complaints had been any less grave, he wouldn't have actually done anything.

I sniff a competitive housekeeping wind 'em up, watch 'em go.

Dont have him back round. Call it a day, part ways and enjoy your lovely clean welcoming and tidy home in peace.

I had an ex like this once. Not quite as overt as yours though unfortunately to begin with so we did move in and it did not get better. Hence him being an ex.

Even the stuff like taking no pride in having a nice cosy clean home - to me that's just not compatible with the life I want to live.

Dont submit to his crappy low standards.

Perhaps wasn't your finest hour lobbing stuff out the window but i can't say I blame you! Even my 7 year old knows to take shoes off, put clothes in basket, hang up soggy towels etc. Its not rocket science!

How is he willing to compromise, when in the trial run to show what a good live-in partner he’d make, he couldn’t even be bothered to pick his dirty wet things up off a floor? And then to deliberately move something of op’s?

OP you’re a legend. I wish more women told men where to stuff if like this.

I started out thinking oh maybe you should compromise a little, the coffee jar thing isn’t so bad… but shoes upstairs? Multiple wet towels? Just no.

If he gave a shit he would try. That’s him on his best behaviour!

My DP is the most forgetful, naturally clumsy, disorganised man. But he takes pride in keeping our house clean and tidy because he cares how I feel. We have spillages and I find things in odd places, but he takes great pleasure in telling me he’s scrubbed the kitchen floor because he knows how much I hate it being dirty! Don’t settle for anything less!

I thought the chucking the stuff out of the bathroom window was quite funny. Good for you. The dirty prat deserves it. He has ignored everything you have requested him to do. If I had been there I’d have liked to have joined in lobbing his stuff out through the window.

Why do people have to take their shoes off in your house? This is not normal and most people will resent it. I am with you re packets going in the bin but the coffee jar? Does it matter if it's out? Put it away yourself. I leave mine out all the time ditto tea jar, cocoa etc, near the kettle (this is normal). Chucking someone's clothes out of the bathroom window is very odd. Why not pick them up and take them downstairs?
I think you've blown this one. You two obviously don't suit.

Surely there’s a stage between -
you were talking about living together before you spent full weekends in each others houses?

I don’t think you sound compatible with each other tbh.

Where do you keep your shoes? It truly annoys me to have shoes cluttering up the hallway. They belong upstairs in a bedroom or on a shoe rack.