I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

No, people normally start well and get worse. He is already worse.

Men often do try to make their partners into unpaid servants.

You're not compatible at all so probably for the best

I'm always puzzled by men who date women and play these games like that. I don't know why they date women they don't like

You are completely missing the point. It's about the lack of respect. Who did he think was going to pick-up the towel and the dirty clothes? The OP that's who.

wow. I actually can't believe you threw his stuff out of the window. You are unreasonable!! A difference over tidiness is something to discuss and then maybe break up over - yes, but you don't need to be vile and unpleasant?

I'm messier than my husband and we argue over it - but if ever did that to me I would so upset.

@waterrat - I don't believe it either 😉

@CaptainMyCaptain You are completely missing the point. It's about the lack of respect. Who did he think was going to pick-up the towel and the dirty clothes? The OP that's who.

If OP had complained about persistent mess, that would have been understandable.

OP instead said she threw someone else's clothes and shoes out of a window, which is less understandable.

I went into the office kitchen this morning to find a used teabag on the drainer, about 30cm away from the food waste bin, and I immediately thought of this thread.

" in tbe bin"🤣

You’ve both shown each other what you really are and how you really behave.

either sets of behaviour would be enough for me.

OP, you kinda made me chuckle, as this is me and I would HATE. Someone treating my home like this.
That being said chucking an adult’s clothes out of a window IS NOT acceptable. My mother, recently bereaved, recently homeless and recently divorced did do this to me back in the day. Unless you’re ticking off those boxes I would suggest your behaviour was extreme and beyond acceptable parameters.
what stopped you treating him as an adult, telling him
it wasn’t going to work and asking him to pick up his things and go home.
Unless this sort of response is your default reaction, which given how articulate and reasoned you are in the post I doubt…

Maybe women should throw the guys things out the window more often. Far too often they just do what they want horrible things and get away with it

Why on earth would you want a way back? There's a deep incompatibility in how you like to live, and also in how you accommodate each other's boundaries. He just ignores yours - wilfully (as shown by his complete understanding of the coffee jar).

When you've lived on your own as an adult you develop ways of doing things. I was a neat and tidy person, minimal stuff. dp came with daily newspapers, artefacts from his travels. There has been compromise on both sides, but no disrespect. I find the house more 'busy' now than I'd ideally like. He's had to accept my 'one in / one out' principal. There's minor irritation occasionally (he's got too many shoes, I've put a box of books in the garage). But I'd never accept what you have.

Think yourself lucky that you had a trial run and he has shown his true colours. A scruffy, lazy bugger who thinks you are going to constantly clean up after him.

No idea why people behave like this and disrespect other people’s property and space. It’s so trampy

So maybe you did over-react, but, he clearly doesn’t tidy as he goes and seems to think you’re his Mum. If that model doesn’t work for you (it wouldn’t for me) then no, this won’t work. If he lives on his own and is still like that, or lapses when he visits you (supposedly on best behaviour) he seems clueless! Just no.

It’s as simple as you’re not suited and are very incompatible.

It was the dislike of old furniture that got me about your op, some people are not made of money and are lucky to get a few odds and ends together. But him being so deliberately messy, knowing that you don’t like it, as part of a trial is crazy too. You’d both have to grow up and compromise a bit, and it’s up to you whether that’s worth it. Bear in mind it is usually women who compromise, and easily end up compromising out of existence. I quite admire you sticking to your principles and chucking his stuff out of the window!

You're obsessive and overprotective of your space (but who throws someone's stuff out of the window, wtf did I read? Is this Eastenders?), and he is lazy and most likely a wannabe cocklodger. This will never work. I'm not sure you are built to share your house with anyone, Id kind of hate living with either of you to be honest. I think Id accept a long distance relationship or loving apart with whoever, if you do share a space you sort of have to compromise a bit, otherwise your partner will forever be just someone who lives with a live in landlord. Not nice in a relationship. but still, bin this particular guy, he sounds spiteful.

I think you replied to his advert for live-in nanny with extras

He being a lazy prick.
Why would you want to live with someone like that? You're not his mum

It was wise to do a trail but pointless if you ignore the findings.

I think you’re unreasonable for even considering living with him!!! He sounds like a lazy pig and I am in full admiration for the clothes out the window move - bravo 😄 good for you.

Doesn't sound like you're compatible. He's willing to compromise, you're not - you want YOUR house the way YOU want it is totally reasonable until it's OUR house.

Why is he so desperate to move in? Is he in debt? Losing his accommodation? Why did you give it a trial, when it doesn't sound like you wanted to?

HE WILL ONLY GET WORSE

Also this!