I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

If it costs you your peace you can't afford it.

Do not, under any circumstances, move in with this cocklodger! If he can't make an effort for even one week, imagine how he'll be when he settles in!

I still don’t get why <anyone> would leave a wet towel on the floor. Can anyone who does it explain why? It’s not going to dry there, is it?

If nothing else this is just poor guest behaviour on his part! If you really like/love him then maybe when he can show you he’s improved his own space you could have another trial? Otherwise don’t waste your energy!

Sadly you are not compatible OP.

I'm with you on the towel and clothes on the floor, I assume there is some kind of towel rail in your bathroom, and why would you leave your clothes on the floor ? Either you are going to wear them again or you'd be putting them in your bag.

The shoes, if he's not used to taking them off at home then maybe he just needs a bit of training, but surely you were mostly going out and coming in together in this trial weekend of living together.

I'm not sure how much coffee you must drink if he managed to leave the coffee in the wrong place more times than you can count by day two.

No. Do not move him in

He is a grown adult and not your job to train him.
This is who he is.
Tell him to improve his own house first if he wants to impress you.

Ooooo I think this could me in the near future.

some men just don’t get it

I was told I was materialistic because I like my coffee table to be pretty

I like my coffee table books
I like my tray with my Artichoke tea light holder

I wouldn’t say I’m tidy freak, but I don’t want to live in a mess either.

Plenty more Fish op
💐💐💐

You sound like opposite ends of a spectrum, you very particular and him completely careless. I don't think this is going to work long term.

I lolled at your OP. YANBU. Life is too short to spend time house-training an adult man.

You can continue the relationship on your terms, if you haven't got the ick by now.

@Drakula I throw a hissy fit at my teenage sons when they do this so YANBU. Hopefully living with a mum like me their future girlfriends don't need to throw hissy fits with them...

Nope. He is in the bin and should stay in the bin.

You are not compatible. He is a clatty bugger and you are not.

Plenty more fish in the sea

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it.

Excellent 😂

Did you overreact slightly? Mm, maybe. But he clearly wasn’t listening, or was looking to push your buttons. Either way, he got the reaction he needed/wanted. Point made.

I am a homeowner and live alone currently but have a DP. I still don’t know if I want to live with someone for this reason. Like yourself I am very house proud, and have spent a lot of time and money to make my house beautiful. I don’t expect it to be treated like a hostel by essentially what would be a lodger.

Why does he want to move in so desperately?

Is it? I don’t think leaving a wet towel on the bathroom is acceptable. Once? Perhaps an oversight for which someone would apologise. More than once is an indication that they are extremely absent minded (at best) or don’t give a shit and think someone else can clean up after them (at worst). If he is leaving rubbish around, repeatedly not putting things away, forgetting to take his shoes off then he hasn’t learnt and is not likely to. You’ve been patient. He is in your space. He has made little effort despite your requests. It’s not fair to put you in the position of awkwardly having to remind him again and again. If he can’t change then you cannot live with this man.

Of course he wants to move into your lovely place right? If he can’t do what’s right now when you’re still in the honeymoon period then he never will! Don’t get back together with him.

Waiting with you for explanation

I think you're both unreasonable.

But also - there's no way I would move in with someone like that. It will only get worse.

When I met my husband, he had never lived with a woman and was in his 40s. There was nothing new in his flat, and everything was quite shabby - not in a curated chic way, in a 'someone has given me all of this furniture secondhand and it'll do' way.

But he had made it all work together with cushions and throws, it was very tidy, and very very clean. It smelled really fresh, the bedsheets were soft and fresh. It had great light and the whole place just felt like it was always Sunday morning there, no matter when I visited. Relaxed, mellow.

I'd have run a mile from your boyfriend at the first sight of his house. Never mind his behaviour in yours.

You've gone right into parenting mode with him. A shoes off and no wet towels house rule is fine and you really should only have to tell him once. Getting pissy over where the coffee canister lives is OTT imo, and completely losing your shit over messiness and throwing his stuff out of the window is not cool. You are VERY particular, and he is VERY feral, and this isn't going to work.

Agree - even my AuDHD, slobby and hormonal 18 and 21yos know to hang a towel to dry. [Shudders]

YANBU at all!
This is not going to work and you know it - don’t let him move in despite his promises to change, he can’t !

My home is my sanctuary so I get it. You are seeing the best of him, I reckon it's not going to work out, @Drakula . I do love that you threw his stuff out of the window . Don't give him another chance or you may find yourself throwing HIM out of the window!

You are totally incompatible for daily life together, OP. I married someone just like this and it was awful. You cannot maintain a sliver of sexual attraction to someone who you're cleaning up after like they're a twelve-year-old and you're their mum. He will act like a child - e.g. incapable of putting anything away - and then he'll want sex. Shudder. Do NOT do this to yourself!

My exH...I mean, I'm not someone who's anal about how the dishwasher is loaded, at all. But when he put something in there, it literally looked as if he'd stood on the other side of the room and flung it like a Frisbee. No exaggeration. He couldn't seem to see the point of folding his clothes, he would just screw T-shirts, pants, socks etc into balls and throw them in. I explained that you can fit much more in if you fold things, but to no avail. And he would put groceries into the fridge.......still in the shopping bag. And don't get me started on the shavings left in the bathroom sink.

I had a boyfriend at uni who would be annoyed if something was out of place in my flat. Even though it wasn't his house!!!! He was very clean and tidy. Get yourself someone like that.

Edit: the wet towel thing. God yes. If I was showering second, he would leave the wet bathmat kicked aside and screwed up. Couldn't even lay it out straight! God knows why it was kicked aside and screwed up anyway. Don't you just step on it?? As for wet towels on the floor, I don't think he actually did that - he was too busy with the bath mat - but I agree with PP, how can you just leave a wet towel on the floor? It won't dry, and who wants to use a towel that's been used as a floor cloth anyway? When I get out of the shower, I wrap myself in the towel, use it, and then put it back on the rail, like normal people. If it had been dragging about on the floor, I'd consider that it needed a wash!

My house is no palace, but I would not be happy if someone else left towels on the bathroom floor because it is just lazy and I'd see it as either leaving it there for me to pick up after him or to having to step around it until he got to it himself. What is his thoughts about why the floor is the place for wet towels to go?

And this should be both of you on your best behaviour, showing each other the best of yourselves. It will only get worse! Unless he steps up his game and listens to what you need, and you learn to compromise yours standards a little it is never going to work.

Relatipnships are about compatibility and compromise. You clearly aren't able to compromise at all and therefore you aren't compatible to live together.

You can't really expect a partner to not be able to move a coffee jar in what would be their own home. On the other hand, leaving a wet towel on the floor is a teenage boy thing that he should have grown out of.

You would need to be less anal and he would need to be more respectful. I doubt it will work out.

I have a newish partner and he is at my house a lot. Most nights. It’s closer to his work and I like having him here. However I have worked hard to make my space nice. I am tidy. My ex was so untidy. He’d leave piles of letters and pads of paper and just stuff everywhere. Piles of stuff to sell on eBay. Stuff to take to the charity shop. (Except he never did!). Things he’d bought but wanted to return….(rarely remembered in time so they just sat there). Endless things related to his various hobbies. He would collect stuff off walls which people had left out. Piles of clothes. Shoes the kids had grown out of. The kitchen was a travesty. Every cupboard had stuff piled on top. The fridge had two shelves purely of jars of things, some of which he hadn’t used for three years or more. I HATED IT!!! And you couldn’t mention it as he would fly off the handle about it and call me a nag!

When I got my own space I vowed never ever would I allow myself to live with someone again who didn’t match my level of order. Don’t get me wrong I occasionally leave the washing up til morning (though rarely and everything is rinsed and stacked). I have a few items of clothing I’ll wear again so haven’t put away. But it’s a tidy house. Towels don’t live on the floor. Things go back in cupboards. The recycling gets done before it gets too full.

My new chap likes tidy. He cleans up when I’m out. He takes his shoes off even though I haven’t asked him to. He washes up the things he uses. He hangs up his bloody towel!

I have had an issue with him helping himself to food. And also my sleep being interrupted when he’s drunk a bit too much. I’ve had to state my boundary about these things. He has apologised profusely and changed his behaviour. Consequently I don’t feel awkward stating a boundary as I know he doesn’t think I’m being unreasonable. He’s very aware he is in my space and it’s kind of me to have him stay as much as I do. He helps out whenever he can like giving the kids a lift or cooking for us all.

I never want to go back to living with someone whose chaos and mess were so at odds with my need for tidiness and order. I like things to look nice. And I don’t want to be made to feel bad about that. Nor should you. He won’t change. He wants to be at your place because it’s nicer than his. There’s a reason for that! You look after it and take pride in it. He can’t be arsed, clearly, and he isn’t going to start anew if he can’t even manage 3 days!

Bin.

That is your right 😊wouldn't do for us all to be the same.