I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

So was his. But a good many posters seem to be skimming very lightly over that particular point.

Or, try LAT (Living Apart Together) although if you don't like his house and you don't like the way he is in yours, it's pretty much a no go.

I have noticed that a lot of middle-aged men aren't very good at caring for themselves, either their clothes or their houses, they just don't update, buy new stuff, or wash it all properly, it's all done a bit half-heartedly and so it is all a bit less sparkling than one would like,

I guess their wives were doing all this before, and I get why you wouldn't volunteer for this.

He sounds a cocklodger. He’s just apologising because he wants to move in. You don’t want to so don’t.

he couldn’t fake it for a simple trial. You can be together without cohabitating

Mumsnet spinsters

Bloody hell, ageist and sexist much? Yes, let's condemn women for having standards 🙄

I'm happily married thanks (just not to a selfish twat who doesn't care about me or our home).

The point is, this bloke apparently wasn't interested in compromise. At all. He didn't discuss it, just ignored her like a big selfish man-baby. Showing her exactly how he will treat any other things that are important to her but that he doesn't care about. Why should the compromise all come from the woman?

Plenty of people like a tidy home. Plenty of people don't. People in a relationship need to compromise a bit, or split up. Women don't need to drop their standards just to bag a man, and shouldn't be called names because they refuse to do this.

And I absolutely stand by the fact it's a horrible word.

There's standards and there's needing to have the coffee jar in a particular spot

Me too, if I were him I would have lobbed it out of the window 😂

OP, you’re hard work 😂

You two are not well suited. Too different..sorry OP.

It's her house and she likes it tidy. I totally sympathise with @Drakula . My own sister is a slob like this and I don't invite her to stay any more. I'm not there to pick up wet towels and dirty clothes.

OMG, string him up.

Even from the beginning he hasn't made an effort to demonstrate he can be respectful of your space and lifestyle. I'm similar to you, so I understand the frustration of living with untidy people. If you're adamant you won't make any exceptions for untidiness then he can't move in.

You sound nuts to be honest but you clearly shouldn't leave yout shoes and wet towel on the bathroom floor of you're visiting someone.
You won't be compatible living with another human, but definitely not him.

And this was his best behaviour designed to persuade you it would work out of he moved in!

My husband is, if anything fussier than me about things like that, @Drakula likes her house a certain way and shouldn't have to drop her standards. There are men out there who are not slobs.

Nonsense.
He sounds like a lazy, untidy man who wants a maid and who isn't even willing to try to respect the OP's home.

He's an incipient cocklodger. The OP needs to get rid of him.

You don’t have to live together to be a couple. I don’t think I could live with either of you. It’s hard to live with someone who doesn’t care but living in an extremely tidy household would be hard too. Each to their own, there’s no right or wrong. The coffee jar was funny though 😂

If DH of 40 years left a wet towel on the floor once, I would probably just pick it up. If he did it again the next day, he def would know about it. The same with shoes upstairs.
Have your standards and don't budge. Love the out of the window clothes...probably something I would have done pre-kids. I have mellowed with time 😄

How can you come back from that?

Why would you want to?

Your DH of forty years would know about it it if he left a wet towel on the floor twice ? Is your name Bucket by any chance ? (pronounced bouquet)

Sounds like you took in a dog that wasn’t house trained.

Please don’t make him your training project.

This.

If he thinks your demands are OTT then he should have initiated a discussion about how you could both reach a compromise. Perhaps he needed reminding of the right places to put things, rather than being told he was constantly wrong but you're obviously incompatible. He has had a year to notice that you don't like shoes on in your home. You should have remained calm when you threw his stuff out of the window. I can't see living together working.

That was him on his best behaviour! Imagine how bad he is when he isn't trying to impress you.

Yes it really sounds like there was an arsey controlling and/or misogynistic element to his attitude. So although I do think OP’s reaction was a bit OTT on paper, it was also effective in making very clear to him that she’s not standing for that shit. He knows he pushed his luck too far and that’s why he’s now apologising and wheedling.

i don’t think for a second he would actually behave any better though if he got a second chance. He’d be well and truly dumped if it was me.

You sound particularly tidy but you're entitled to be. It doesn't work. Break up with him.