I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

Are you needing a new partner?!

This could be love!😂😍💘

Same. He's in the pub now with his mates congratulating himself for escaping a psycho.

You just sound incompatible. I consider myself to be tidy and a bit OCD but you sound next level to be honest.

Pleasantly suprised at some of the replies on here considering the standards for men on this site sit below rock bottom.
Still a few insisting you need to tolerate this or even better, 'he's had a lucky escape'.
DO NOT move in with this manchild @Drakula , he wants a mummy. Hold firm to your standards, never lower them for an inadequate man.

I'm honestly surprised you've been together a year and you've only just started sleeping over. but yeah, the evidence is quite clear here, you're never going to cohabit happily. he's too slovenly for you and you're too upright for him. each fine in your own home.

if everything else is good you could go back to dating casually but sounds like for one reason or another he's pushing for more. and given the state of his house, I'm assuming he wants to move into yours not you into his

You're definitely not suited.

You are fundamentally incompatible and can't handle conflict comfortably either (to say the least) - what's the point.

Just because we have feelings with someone doesn't mean they are right for us or that things should progress. I'd thank him for the apology, apologise for my own response and end it.

Tbf, the only type of woman who would be suited to this kind of man would be a scrubber themselves. Or even worse, a doormat willing to tidy up after him.

DO NOT get back with him! He’s a waste of space!

He's not suited to anyone except a scruff.

Exactly. And as the amazing TLC said...

A scrubber? How lovely. I have a friend who you'd probably call a scrubber as her house is an absolute tip. Would I live like that? No. But she's a lovely person, does a really high level important job, is a great mum prioritises time with kids, friends and family above cleaning. She spends tons of time outdoors with the kids, takes them on lovely holidays, always does homework with them, is a school governor, is on a couple of sports teams, supports one of her children's brownie pack etc etc. She also is highly educated, kind and brings a lot to everyone around her.

So 'scrubber,' comments are very sweeping and doesn't give a full picture of a person.

And no I'm not saying OP should stay with this man. They're not compatible.

In the game of Marry, Snog, Avoid… this is definitely one to avoid.

It may very well be that you are a tiny bit OCD, but it’s your home and you have it the way you want it. My DH is very OCD - he cannot bear clutter or mess, especially when he walks through the door. I don’t live in irrational fear of him as it’s mine (and the DC’s) home too, but I do respect his need for ‘order’ so I tidy up before he walks in - he used to text when leaving the office, but now he shares his ETA in car play, or I can check where he is on the train via the Find My App (yeah, yeah, I know some people find couples/families who freely share their movements and devices as some sort of creepy, co-dependency thing, but it works for us.) It means I can be messy and relaxed as I go about my day, but we have a recalibration when ‘my’ space becomes ‘ours’.

However, whether because of decades of conditioning [joke, I think] or just because our general feelings about household hygiene are really very closely aligned, we are just talking about a 10min tidy up and maybe a hoover if the dogs have moulted a lot that day.

It’s fine to have standards in your own home. It’s fine to expect people staying to respect them. It’s also totally fine not to have to apologise for them or justify yourself. However, this is MN… and I’d beware the slobby cocklodger.

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

I’m surprised he still wants to move in with you!

I mean, I admit I’m quite slovenly - just this morning, DH sent me a photo of how I left our bedroom before going to work - but even I wouldn’t behave like your DP when on my best behaviour!

I'm closer to his habits than yours, but even I would be able to behave myself for three days in somebody else's home when she had specifically told me her expectations around shoes and coffee jars. It isn't that hard.

Either he is totally incorrigible, or he simply doesn't like you enough to make the least effort. Throw this one back.

😁But I do think him moving your coffee jar as he left was an entertaining move. 😂

I think if your home being exactly the way you like it is important to you, then protect your peace, but don't let anyone move in ever, or even stay over too often.

I wouldn't want to go around to someone's house to be told off about the position of a coffee jar. I agree with you the towels are irritating.

I do sometimes make mess though, and my partner is tidier, neither of us is right, it's a question of we do want to be in the same house and do fun stuff together.

This is a no go as you don't like his house, you don't want him in yours and you don't want to make one together as you would just see him as an intruder, so I don't think this is going to work.

I think knowing you love your home, your peace and not wanting others to disturb it is fine, but you won't probably be flexible enough for a live-in type of relationship.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is living in a house like that as a child? I do, it was mortifying. I always had a musty smell about me as the house was never clean. I never had friends around because I was embarrassed and the one friend I did let in ended up using it against me when we fell out.
It was so hard breaking that pattern when I moved out because I knew I couldn't live like that again, especially when I had children.
I absolutely stand by using the word scrubber.

I love that you lost your shit. Well done. Who leaves wet towels on the floor in someone else’s home as an adult. And that should have been him on his best behaviour.

Its never 'just' about the coffee/ towel/ whatever though is it?

She's made it clear that she expects him to tidy up after himself (so he can't claim he 'doesn't know') and he's chosen to repeatedly not do that.

Its about OP not being listened to and her home not respected. Its about why he gets to do as he pleases but she doesn't get to have things how she likes too (ie tidy).

He was only there 3 days so can't even claim he 'forgot'.

His behaviour is saying 'fuck you, Ill do as I please '.

Chucking his stuff out of the window was <chefs kiss>! Go OP!
But you're right, I think it's over (and for the best by the sounds of it).

The problem is nobody is ever going to live up to your standards and in relationships you do unfortunately have to bend a little which clearly you are not able to do. My DH has some habits that drive me mad sometimes but you learn that living together isn’t the perfect dream the Mumsnet spinsters will try to convince you it should be. Sometimes there has to be a bit of flexibility when all the good sides outweigh the little irritating things. Sometimes you have to accept people for who they are because trying to micromanage and drum things in to them and change them never ends well.

You are not compatible

You don't need to lower your standards, but you to need to accept that you're incompatible, your hissy fit was ott to be honest

Has anyone said that?

I think it's unanimous that these two people are incompatible and she should dump him. Nevertheless, chucking his stuff out of a window is an unhinged overreaction, and even worse behaviour than his.

I would never say forget your boundaries.

I'd say, know your boundaries, and know what's flexible, and weigh up how much you want to be flexible for the other benefits of having another adult around.

If there aren't enough, and the towels are too much, throw them back, be on your own, or go looking for someone else.

No-one is perfect though, he's messy and doesn't care, you are quite uptight (IMO, I live a much messier life than you and feel it's ok), adjustment and compromise is needed if you want to form a relationship, but if you don't want to do that, no issues!

Screaming at someone and throwing their possessions out of a window might be what alot of us fantasise about from time to time.

You conveniently omitted the middle point, as quoted verbatim from the OP

He went ape shit saying I was a psyco.

THEN the OP screamed at him to GTFO out of her house. Which isn't ideal behaviour, but does look a little different in the whole context of that exchange.

Take away message - it's acceptable for men to 'go ape', express anger and call women names, and this can pass by completely without comment. Women must not set out boundaries and gods forbid they ever express any anger themselves.

Omissions can speak very loudly in some cases.