I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

Don't people have hooks for the towels???

I'm sorry OP but this is hilarious, the fixation you have with the location of the coffee pot is really funny. And I agree with all the other posters, you are not compatible so don't live together. I dont have such high standards myself and the house can be messy between tidy ups but I have this vision of you being confronted by the chaos and mess of my teenage DD's room, and going absolutely ballistic. I'd love to invite you over to sort DD out.

It could work, but you would have to go about completely the opposite way.

you move in with him, AFTER he has first made the place more pleasant and habitable. Old furniture is fine, but it has to be clean. Fresh sheets, tidy

when things get annoying you can still retreat for a bit to your own place. Only after this arrangement has worked for a while and he has made a continued effort can you decide to switch moving you yours

people say that you both have to compromise… I am not sure. You BOTH agree that your place is nicer. Because it is clean and tidy and pleasant and smells nice, he then goes about making the place dirty and stinky and unpleasant…. No way, he likes your place better because of all the work you put into it

so if he wants to live in a nice place he also needs to understand that this requires work

from both partners

he needs to step up or step out

I would have reacted the same way you did for all of those points.

Honestly, dump him, if he is this way now, he is going to be a nightmare after he become comfortable

I'm really untidy. but I don't think @Drakula has a fixation with the location of her coffee pot at all. That isn't really the point. He just couldn't give a fuck how OP likes to keep her home. He would be awful to live with if he can't respect the tiniest things in a couple of days. it just wouldn't work.

Just one word. Cocklodger.

Hello Drakula, welcome to Mumsnet.

Have you only just started sleeping together then, or have you been having sex in the car up until now? Because it's a bit hard to understand how it's taken you a whole year to get to the point where you are spending time in one another's houses, given that you both have your own places and don't seem to share with other people. Very hard to understand indeed.

Has this thread been overtaken by incels? The number of people telling OP to forget her standards and her boundaries is unreal.

It won’t be easy to get him to improve.
Some people with adhd are like this. The only way would be if he pays for a cleaner housekeeper to clear up after him (presuming you shouldn’t!).

Are you my ex? Its not about the actual towel. Its about the disrespect

You’re not compatible and that’s ok! Don’t spent your life trying to force a square peg into a round hole

Do mean that after a day or so you pick them up, or someone else does it?

@Drakula Yanbu though maybe chucking his stuff out of the window was a bit much. Yabu about criticising his furniture though. As long as his place is clean, then that's all that should matter. He should respect how you like things to be tidy in your home. You could have a chat & see if you can come to some agreement and maybe continue your relationship, but I don't think moving in is a great idea right now

He leaves a wet towel on the floor??? Who the F does he think he is?

Exactly.

Once a day with that type of issue is enough. FWIW her husband is a gem and if she's in an acute phase he helps her.

DH & I change into house only footwear in the winter because we hate walking about in socks or barefeet. Ive no issue with walking around the house to get them if I've misplaced them. If visiting a no shoes house I bring them with me. I never ask visitors to remove shoes. I think its rude & like saying you are dirty.

Congratulations for not swallowing his behaviour, imagine you said nothing, and it's 10 years down the line, only thing holding you back from having his smelly, cluttered house is you running rings around yourself, cleaning up, lifting all his shite dropped in his wake. I can be messy and leave things lying, best way to not is to start tidy as it's the easiest way.... Not for him seemingly. It's a trail period and he's/you have failed, that's ok, that's why you tried a trial period. Of course he wants to move in!!! So do I,

you certainly don't need to accept his messiness but you over reacted lobbing him stuff out the window. Not surprised he called you a psycho.

I've got wet towels on my floor now. I wouldn't leave them on somebody else's floor - ever. mine will go in the washer tonight after showers as water goes everywhere on my bathroom floor.when the shower gets used.
it's not the towel it's not OP being OCD it's disrespect.

At first my eyes saw that as incomprehensible!😂

Up to you OP but only for dates if you do. Given my time again I would never ever share a home with a man, they mess everything up and can’t be trusted to do simplest things .

This would be a big NOPE from me!

I voted you are being unreasonable. That doesn’t mean I think he was reasonable or that him moving in is a good idea, though. It just means he miiiiiiight have had a point on the psycho part a teensy bit given you chucked his belongings out a bathroom window.

He's incorrigibly messy. I sympathise with him as I am too. I'd take my shoes off and I wouldn't leave a wet towel on the floor but I'd never put coffee away if I needed it again within the next couple of hours.
OP, you're extremely tidy and it doesn't sound like you made him terribly welcome, even before you had your outrageously rude hissy fit. You're evidently incompatible so draw a line under the relationship now. Although he must think highly of you if your explosion hasn't put him off.
And moving the coffee across the room is hilarious. I love his sense of humour.

You are too used to being on your own. The pair of you.
So you either carry on seeing each other and realise you cannot live together or call it a day.

You are not compatible.