I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

What did people do when they got married, and didn't live together until they were married?

A 5 year old would understand if a house was no shoes. I think his behavior is pretty appalling - he knows you like to keep things tidy and in their place and yet made zero effort. Sounds like you took in a dog that wasn’t house trained.

I wouldn’t say you had a hissy fit. I would say that you let him know the house procedures/rules and he deliberately ignored them many times so you got justifiably angry.

I don’t know if there’s any way back. How old is he? Is this ingrained? People have wildly different standards but he ought to be able to see that your home is clean and tidy because you have systems - that he merrily fucks up.

You both sound insufferable TBH. Him for desperately trying to move in after a year and for being a slob in your place and you for telling him off for the way he lives in his own home and "screaming" at him like some chav on the Jeremy Kyle show.

Also, is it only on MN that people are described as "screaming"? - I've never come across someone screaming - who wasn't be assaulted at that moment - in my entire life.

Very often, they lived in misery.

So?!

I mean we’re obviously different people, I am clean but not necessarily tidy, so we couldn’t live together. But you both sound in opposite sides of the spectrum. You’re not suited so move on.

But if DH told me off about a wet towel I’d tell him to piss off. I might leave one there for 10 minutes while I am doing something else.

Him moving the coffee thing would have made me laugh

I grew up in a house full of screaming and shouting, and not always when someone was being assaulted.

I do not recommend it.

Just want to say that you handled that brilliantly. I don’t think he will be able to change if he couldn’t even be on his best behaviour for 3 days.

So disrespectful in week 1! Week 400 doesn’t bear thinking about.

So who would pick up said wet towel? He obviously expected the op to do it. This would almost certainly spread to dirty pants and socks plus other shit left for the op to pick up.

Also, as others have said already. If this is him on his best behaviour, what is he like at his worst?

And more importantly he didnt listen to what is important to the op. Which more than likely would be a similar issues in other areas of the relationship.

Its the op who has had a lucky escape imo

I love that you threw his stuff out of the window. It’s not like he hadn’t been asked.

It’s pretty disrespectful of him to ignore what seem like fairly basic things. Don’t leave a towel that’s wet on the floor, take your shoes off in the hall (my severely disabled teen manages this).

If the relationship is good, you share the same values, I’d continue the relationship but not move in together. You could spend the odd night with each other but it doesn’t sound like you’d be hugely compatible with living together as it sounds like he doesn’t really care about the state of his home and with that kind of attitude, he’s not likely to improve and you’ll end up resenting him.

Your temper was so out of control you threw all his things out of a window? I agree he shouldn’t move in with you, mainly for his
own safety.

good points.

Also @Drakula (love the name) I don't think you are overly houseproud... putting rubbish in the bin, not treading mud into the stairs carpet, sticking a wet towel on the towel rails - its simply not a big ask in your own home.

Also I'm naturally disorganised, but I find it so much more relaxing to work on the a place for everything and everthing in its place basis, simply so that I'm not always wasting time searching for things or telling others where they are. I love being able to say "It's where it always is isn't it?"

So whilst I can be messy sometimes myself (life happens) if I've left the place clean and tidy, I'd be mad if someone is messing it up without a care in the world.. and not doing the basics, like putting empty wrappers in the bin, leaving it for you.

Also, there's something of a put down about him calling you OCD for basic stuff like that. It's mocking you so that you drop your standards to his, or are too cowed to continue asking him.

I agree and I also think he might be testing the OP, just to see what she'd put up with and what he can get away with. Hold your own OP and don't let him back in. He doesn't respect you and I have a feeling he might be a secret misogynist too.

You don't actually say if you love him as a person - his kindness, his humour etc. If you love him then you should be prepared to put up with wet towels and coffee jars in the wrong place.
Also how do you see your future - are you happy if you end up on your own but have a pristine home? Will you regret if you let him go. Perhaps if you lived together you could find a new home with 2 bathrooms!

Yes, of course she can say she doesn't want them.

That wasn't my meaning.

That comment was in response to a pp who had said the house had been "trashed" by him. I was only pointing out that the use of the word trashed was overkill for something that a great many people - and on MN no less! - do everyday.

Also, it suggests he might have been brought up not to, and habits are hard to break, especially in three days. I don't believe he refused; he needed reminding.

The OP is perfectly entitled to expect shoes off. For some that is quite normal practice. But for others, it is quite normal practice not to.

Had he said "I refuse to take off my shoes, it's weird" that would be different. And even then, he might be disrepecting that rule, but he wouldn't actually be trashing the house.

Sounds like your just not compatible but you do sound very OCD and over the top to be fair! I like a tidy house but a coffee jar slightly out of place is no biggie and clearly you were making a massive thing of it for him to do the moving it stunt at the end. Also launching the clothes out the window is unnesesary, on second thoughts I think he dodged a bullet you sound a bit psycho!

... and two coffee jars!

@Drakula Why would you want a way back from it? You obviously aren't compatible to the extend that you could live together. Assuming he isn't 16 years old, he's unlikely to change much. And if he does try to pull himself together it will only be under sufferance, creating a stressful atmosphere. I guess he's desperate to move in because he wants someone to mother him.

Indeed. Imagine if the sexes were reversed and a man had “screamed” at a woman.

Or more often they learned to compromise.

This. He can’t even be bothered to fake it until he moves in! This will never get any better and is pretty much guaranteed to get even worse once he has his feet under your table.

I would say you sound far too uptight and he sounds far too relaxed!
I don’t think the two will mix well!

It's normally used as a synonym for shouting or otherwise raising your voice to offensive levels when communicating; I don't think they are actually standing just screaming like a terrified person!

But it's still not cool.

This did make me laugh and does show the perils of living together. He does sound like a slob but living together requires compromise.

Good luck on a way forward but honestly I don’t see how either of you will be able to live with each other long term

Quoted wrong post originally. But yes, imagine if the sexes were reversed and a man had thrown a woman’s clothes out the window then “screamed at her”.