I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

Apols if I have missed this - do you own or rent?? I'd be worried about how pushy he is - does he have money troubles?

Has he never stayed as a guest at anyone's house before ? The clothing on the floor is unacceptable in my books , particularly in a new relationship. I would still give him a chance, he needs to adjust. With mine it went the opposite. He would always tidy and prep for me coming to stay and would always be super courteous when staying at mine. Now that we've lived together for nearly 10 years, he leaves his clothes everywhere and has reverted to being a man-child !

No comment on the drama or what this all means about him as a person, although I wouldn’t have thrown his stuff out the window.

He will not change, that is the level of tidy he is. No other degree of tidiness will come naturally to him.

I’m an untidy person, so I have an untidy partner. I don’t want to constantly irritate someone with my mess, I don’t want someone dictating when and how I need to sort things.

You are too far at opposite ends of the spectrum to live peacefully together, the gulf sounds too wide to meet in the middle with compromise.

Slightly unhinged but I applaud it. I’m guessing this isn’t your first rodeo!

This is classic MN twisting. No-one is saying they WANT a wet towel on the floor.

they are saying that not wanting something isn't an excuse to tantrum like a toddler when it doesn't happen.

By all means, don't let him move in, or stipulate that if he does he brings his own towels and launders them and uses them exclusively. Or whatever. But it's insane that grown women are commending the OP for her behaviour, which would be beneath the dignity of most 7 year olds, as though she is somehow clever and strong. because she is a woman. Surely we expect at least as much of ourselves as of a child?

ETA and tbh when you say "standards are in the gutter," it's the latter standard that bothers me rather more than a bit of musty laundry.

I haven’t read the full thread but I just want to show appreciation for the throwing of the stuff out the window. My husband keeps leaving stuff everywhere out of place and being peri meno this is the sort of move I’d love to make.

Above all I’d be suspicious about him being so pushy, I bet there’s more to it. He’s a manchild who wants an in with you and be taken care of.

I would end it because I’m like you and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not something I can adapt. It’s probably my dealbreaker. I like my home to look nice and tidy and anyone who messes with that sends me ridiculous stress levels (my DD was/is very messy, it’s something that I’ve never been able to change and our only source of conflict - she also likes to claim I’m OCD).

My DP is the same and I think that’s why we live fine together. Plus he’s hands off the decor, which helps because no grey/beige shall pass through my door 🙅‍♀️

He can’t even make an effort and be on best behaviour when he knows his future’s on the line.

There’s no way this can ever work.
I’d end the relationship or if you think you can past the argument, agree that this can never and will never be a cohabiting partnership…

Blimey... poor dude. Who cares that much about a coffee jar and stuff left on the bathroom floor!

Do you actually want a way back @Drakula?

The irony of the guy getting called 'manchild' when the OP threw his stuff out the window!

So, this is rather telling to me. It shows that he knows how you like to keep YOUR home, but chooses to not respect that.

Yanbu.

Is this really the future you want?
Of course this lazy selfish loser wants to move in.

Are you vulnerable?
Because only a very vulnerable woman, lacking any self-esteem, self preservation and general cop on, would allow a loser like him to move into her home.

If you do, you are out of your mind.

.

You’ve just seen hr future if he moved in.

Dump asap

"Hes getting desperate to move in"
My first reaction to this was 'of course he is, he's a lazy slob who wants to live in a nice place with someone else keeping it nice because he's a lazy slob'.

But then - your description of how he behaved during the trial week? He wasn't even 'on best behaviour' to try and persuade you to let him move in. If anything it sounds as if he ramped it up a bit. Shoes left in the bathroom? I'm actually not a shoes-off person, I like my slippers but I will also wander around my bedroom in shoes, but still - leaving them in the bathroom? Especially since he did this after you'd "had a falling out" about it already. There's a whiff of 'fuck you' about the shoes.

"we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff."
Now, the sensible thing for someone "getting desperate to move in" would have been to apologise and say he would try harder, it's hard to get out of old habits, yadda yadda yadda. But no - by saying what he said he made clear that he considers the lifestyle mismatch to be your problem, his ways are just fine and he's not going to change his ways so nyahr, fuck you.

So you're not just dealing with a lazy slob. You're dealing with a man who has no respect for you and who will not change because he believes you are wrong and he is right.

"Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?"
He has shown he is totally unwilling to get used to how you work (weird way to put it, I think). He believes he can impose 'how he works' onto you and that you should just suck that up. There is no compromise in this man. What has he actually apologised for anyway? Saying what he said or behaving how he behaved? Because Whilst he might be sorry for what he said (but only because it might stop his wish to move in) he's not sorry for how he behaved.

Remember how when you pointed out to him why you didn't want to go to his smelly, disorganised, minimal-comfort-and-effort place, and he responded that "it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point"? He was telling the truth. He will never see the point of putting any effort into his surroundings, so he will never see the point of putting any effort into your surroundings either. He will NEVER see the point. And worse, there's a bit of him that looks down on you for seeing the point.

He does not respect you. He would turn your home into the smelly (smell of wet towels?) shit-hole he thinks is adequate lodgings. You can't live like that! Personally, I'd be grateful that he showed his hand so quickly, before you'd become financially entwined, and bin him off.

You've both had a lucky escape. This is not the way.

I just don’t think it will work. You do sound extraordinarily rigid but he also sounds extraordinarily messy and disrespectful.

Someone who leaves a wet towel on the floor after being asked not to is careless and not respectful. But chucking his clothes out the window was not a proportionate response, it makes you sound rather unbalanced OP.

To live together you’d both need to compromise and care more about each other’s feelings than about the positioning and placement of objects.

That takes maturity, consideration and flexibility that neither of you are displaying. It might just be easier to be with someone more compatible.

Out of interest, which bit sounds OTT? Everything she's said seems reasonable to me. The problem is, if you let someone like that leave a towel on the floor, or clothes, or not put things away once they've used them - it's not like they're going to go back and do it later. There will just be another thing added to it, then another, because they either don't see the mess or don't care about it. Before you know it, the house is an absolute shit hole. You have to keep on top of these things, and it's the easiest thing in the world to just pick things up as you go.

OP, your gut instinct kicked in to protect you. Don't dismiss it as a hissy fit, that's what men want you to frame it as.

Your gut is telling you this man will turn your peaceful sanctuary into a messy, dirty, depressing space.

Of course he wants to move in with you, he knows you won't be able to help yourself and you will pick up his wet towels and dirty underwear, clean his skid marks in the toilet and God knows what else.

His has shown you who he is, dump him now so he never gets his feet beneath the table.

He’s a messy bugger but your reaction was absolutely insane.

You should keep living by yourself and be clear that you have no desire to house share with anyone else.

Why would you have been considering moving in together without ever having spent a weekend night together anyway …

Frankly you sound incredibly fussy (but I am a fair bit too). The “trial” showed you you are a million miles from being compatible to live together. That won’t change.

Your quote ‘As for the shoes, plenty of people wear shoes in the house.’ it doesn’t matter what others do, if someone doesn’t want shoes in the house and he traipses through the house with his shoes on, it’s out of order.

Desperate men whom silly women allow to move in, are often the hardest to get rid of, and just the type to make a chance your arm claim on the house because they hung a shelf or two, whilst paying very little towards bills etc.

I have several friends will silly younger sisters that did this whilst in their 40's.

Despite have great careers, lovely homes and financial security, they still moved a desperate loser into their homes.

It took each of them several years to wake up and get them out.

They each got caught for deposits plus several grand to get them out.

So foolish.

This guy sees the OP as a dim soft touch to use.
Of course he'd love to live in her home.
He hasn't an ounce of respect for her or her house, hence his behaviour.

He's desperate to move in. Of course he is. He likes your place nice and tidy. Then he gets to fuck it up like his place. It's a form of control. You won't be able to have a nice place if you let him move in, he'll keep you busy cleaning up after him. He couldn't be bothered to even try to clean up after himself. He's gross. And this is after only a year of dating. That's him rushing things.

You're incompatible due to different attitudes towards the home and he isn't going to change. He's disrespectful of your home. Breakup with him, this will never work.