I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

This is why my OH has exclusive use of the ensuite 🤣 if he wants to leave towels/socks on the floor, empty shampoo bottles and empty toilet rolls on the shelf - fine. I don't have to look at it. DD and I share the main bathroom and it stays tidy and clean.

OP u are not being unreasonable, it won't get better and he's shown you what to expect in the future

I think this is more than just incompatibility tbh. The final move of the coffee jar suggests that he's trying to goad you into moving your boundaries, or at the very least mocking them. Makes him sound nasty as well as lazy, slobbish and, for unknown reasons, "desperate" to move in together. I'm sure you could move beyond this if you wanted to, because he sounds keen to become a cocklodger, but I'd run a mile if I were you. I thought chucking his stuff out of the window was hilarious btw. It's not like he wasn't given lots and lots of warning about your standards and expectations - he just thought he could ride roughshod over them. Well, you showed him, and good for you.

No i dont agree she overreacted. She had already told him her expectations. He didnt care enough to remember.

How could he have forgotten the shoes, he didnt forget.......just couldnt be bothered to respect your home and your rules.

I dont know why anyone thinks a wet towel on the floor is ok. How is it going to dry there? Who has to step over it and pick it up? (Not the one who threw it down, let me guess). If its meant for the wash, put it straight in the machine?

The moving of the coffee jar, deliberately, no way. Terribly spiteful. Its contempt.

Good for you!! I have them at my husband and children at times about the mess they leave around. And then expect me to know where something is. Must admit I'm pretty good but not every time!

He didn’t just ignore your requests, he actively went out of his way to do things you explicitly asked him not to! Wow!

Of course she over reacted. The sane adult thing to do would be to have the "this isn't working Bob, please take your things and leave (preferably for ever)" conversion.

What would be hard about it for you, would be being constantly put in the position where you are always asking him to do or not to do things.

You'd get catagorised as the unreasonable one. Monitoring his behaviour (because you'd have to) It's a losing battle. You will be The nagging perfectionist, there will be eye rolling and then you will be ignored.. because of course, its completely OCD and unreasonable to constantly insist that people take their shoes off, don't drop wet used towels on the floor.

Why do they think like that?.. because they have never had to put the effort into cleaning the carpet after someone's trodden mud in. They only pick the wet towels off the floor when enough have accumulated to make it worth their while, or they have no more clean towels, until then they are happy to step over the festering pile.

In reality he will never see that because he's already demonstrated that he is resistant so it will be a battle of wills. He is the relaxed, spontaneous, laid back person who doesn't sweat the small stuff.... why should he change and give into what he sees as unreasonable OCD nit picking. Eventually, You will end up doing it yourself because it will take less effort than constantly asking him to do something. (In reality It takes almost exactly the same effort to stick the towel on the rail after you have used it as it does to deliberately drop it on the floor.) He can just about get to work and back, he really won't see the need to clean up after himself. He might volunteer one manly chore to show willing like emptying the bin, which he will frequently mention.

He's a lazy, feckless, inconsiderate man with a teenage mentality, looking for a mum/housekeeper to do all the boring stuff that he's too far above to do himself.
If you wanted children, he is not active parent material.

I thought the final defiant act of moving the coffee jar was kind of funny. Petty and stupid, yes, but funny.

I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it.

Absolutely brilliant! Honestly, it was at work that I discovered that people leave wet towels etc on bathroom floors. Filthy behaviour and you'd be an absolute fool to live with this incompetent human.

I find it interesting that he still wants to live with you, and desperately so🤔. You can say goodbye to your orderly life, and yes to raising a man baby if you give in.

End it. You’re incompatible and he is a slob who disrespects you and expects you to pick up after him.

It’s hardly the end of the world! I can’t imagine being so anal about a wet towel 🤣🤣. After a year together, and discussing living together, I assume that you at least care very much about him, so to throw his belongings out of the window really is a bizarre reaction and Im really not surprised that he called you a psycho. The only thing I AM surprised about is that he wants to continue the relationship.

I am really tempted to text my mum who thinks I am an absolute mess that I am actually clean obsessive because I hang towels, put rubbish in a bin and put things back where they belong (mostly. Just because I would never find them otherwise).

Sorry OP, trying not to laugh but the chucking stuff out of the bathroom window and the final move of the coffee pot has me lol-ing. Neither of you sound like you are able to compromise or hold your patience, both of which are needed in spades when you live with someone so probably best to not move in together. I’d honestly worry one of you would be the end of the other after what you have described happened after 3 days and presumably very little of his actual stuff being in the house.

So he wants to move into your much nicer house OP?

But the reason it's a much nicer house is because he doesn't live in it.

Aaaa the "ocd" line. I call it putting back where it fkin belongs but each to their own, the messy git.

You are obviously not compatible - at least not to live together. He will see you as a nag, you will see him as a slob. No fun for anyone. Bad idea.

Maybe you could carry on seeing each other casually but that's it really.

Good for you….you have strong boundaries and are enforcing them….if I was your mum I would be very proud of you x

I agree with posters who say hes definitely not compatible with you as a live-in partner. My only question & its with all due respect,if you are so houseproud to the extent you flare up at the least thing, will you find a partner who would be willing to cope with that?🤔
I'm very houseproud but the odd thing on the floor or the kitchen occasionally in disarray if I've been batch cooking doesn't bother me in the least. I simply get on with cleaning & tidying up & DH does his share.

"he's desperate to move in"
of course he is....how has it lasted a year?

He's not trying to escape though. The slob is still hoping to move in. Lord knows why he's so desperate to bind himself to this clean, tidy woman.

This. 👏🏻

Well I can, at any rate, agree with you on the second point!

Can you imagine once he started moving in his smelly sofa!

You're wholly incompatible - & that isn't going to change. You're asking/wanting him to be a completely different person, he won't be able to manage that on a permanent basis.

I agree with this.

You treated his possessions with the same care he treated your home - I like your style OP 😂